01:21 - 26.03.08
Surprise
I had a dream last night about my one friend who works overseas. She was living in a huge mansion and was hosting some sort of summer party. She was upset because no one would help her prepare for it, so I said I would do the cleaning if she and her hubby attended to the cooking. There were guests all over the place demanding personal attention and complaining about the most bizarre things. I think some of them believed I was the maid - amazing what people reveal of themselves when they somehow believe their "status" outshines those in their immediate vicinity. They expected me to stop the essential tasks I was doing to look after things like ironing their party clothes, while they sat on their fannies sipping margaritas. Apparently they didn't appreciate, or have any feeling of gratitude for, the gift the hostess was offering them. Just parasites, they were. I finally got all the cleaning done, then went to look for my friends. They had completed all their preparations, but then had both become very ill. They were passed out in their beds; unconscious after the doctor gave them something to make them sleep. I sent the guests home and then the dream ended. Next time I hope her dream mansion has considerably fewer bathrooms.
Today the memories surfacing were about the time not long after the boys' Dad left. For the next couple of years there were times that I could not cope with being in the same vicinity of any male I knew prior to his departure, yet I had no trouble walking into situations where there were males unknown to me. That was fortunate, because often my work assignments were in all male domains. At the same time though, I found I could not bring myself to attend committee meetings that included males I had known before the boys' Dad left, even though there were an equal number of females that I knew attending. I just felt very unsafe and confused.
In one case one person I knew and really liked and trusted asked me to visit him at his workplace to discuss something of mutual concern. When I arrived, we needed to take the elevator to get to his office. The car was so crowded that there was no breathing space left. All the other passengers were males and the anger level between them was so strong that it felt like a physical force. I would learn, about a week later, that significant layoffs were about to hit that company. A guess would be that there had just been a meeting of that group trying to work out the details. By the time we reached my friend's floor, I had gone into shock. I could only move in slow motion and was barely able to string two words together. My friend was obviously puzzled and I suspect that the purpose he had in mind was altered by my behaviour. He just, as far as I can recall, spoke about the on-site daycare, then helped me on with my coat since I couldn't even do that by myself. I knew that I wasn't functioning well, so I called ahead to the next pair of people I was to meet with about another project we were working on to let them know I wouldn't be able to attend. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to even navigate the transit system safely at that time. I don't recall getting on the train to take me home nor do I recall anything about the next three days except that I was curled up in a fetal position in bed. I don't remember leaving it, but I do recall one of my sons coming in to check on me from time to time. I still don't really understand what happened other than that the anger emanating from that group of men was the trigger.
I also had a similar reaction when I was working for the one lawyer about a year later, I think. He was sometimes a bit excitable, expressing his feelings with a great deal of animation. At one point, I found myself crying while I was working away on a contract, even though the diatribe being expressed didn't seem to have anything to do with me. I realized that I couldn't likely continue on working for him at that time because whatever triggers were being tripped were unconscious and therefore not controllable. Fortunately a federal election was called not long after, so I was able to remove myself from the situation without having to explain myself - as if I could when I wasn't certain what was happening to me. Over time I found that I had less reactive responses to expressions of angry males, but I was still blindsided out of the blue every so often. Hmmm.
Anyway time for some more housework. Good night dear diary.
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