00:20 - 09.07.05
Detachment
Yesterday started out odd and just continued on that way in to today. When I was dressing I reached for one skirt but found I had another on withdrawal. A short for me skirt - just past the knees, black and white floral silk, lined, size small. I loved it on sight when I saw it on sale a year ago and bought it on a whim even though it "breaks my rules/dress code" for me. Well go with the flow, I was feeling a bit odd anyway. Felt half naked walking for the bus, but I liked the feeling of the sun on my legs. Pasty white that's for sure, but after the 40 days and nights of non-stop rain we've had, most other Calgarians are just as pale.
Stepped on the bus and felt really puzzled. It was half empty even though it is usually jammed with people that time of day. Chatting and laughing. Silnce this particular morning. Even odder were the faces looking back at me. All caucasian. Now I've commented before that our community is one of the most culturally diverse in the city. Most days about 2/3 of those faces would reflect heritages of a tropical hue. The absence of the males especially was unsettling. The train ride was similar. I was receiving an unusual amount of attention from the males present - funny what a pair of naked knees do to their heads. Pulled out my book about the Dalai Lama's mother's life, but that just made things stranger - more attention not less. Hmmm.
Had my nose to the computer monitor as soon as I got in. The statistical analysis requested was quite daunting so I wanted to stay as focussed as possible, given I was being asked to slice and dice nearly 16,000 records in ways that really don't break out easily if at all. Didn't come up for air until an email arrived arund 11 am with the title "bombings". First reaction was total disbelief and then the early part of the morning made sense finally. I had buried the discomfort I had been feeling because it didn't make any sense at the time. I think that is why westerners are so poor at dealing with their intuition. If it isn't physically manifesting in front of our nose then it can't be real right? Some times the scientific method is the biggest barrier to understanding that there is.
My next concern was about my friend from the Middle East. She and her hubby were supposed to be in England visiting her family and friends. I couldn't recall the exact time they would be heading for the US and Canada to visit their families here. All I wanted to do at that point in time was go home and check my email. Worried about other people I know live or travel through there on a regular basis too. An attack on working class people once again. Makes no sense. When I was volunteering on community issues projects I would often receive belligerant and threatening phone calls from local residents who were angry about the project or issue in some way. I would point out I had the same level of power/authority as they did - why not call the elected official or bureaucrat who actually could do something about their concerns. That usually elicited an even greater level of rage. I don't understand the rationale at all. I think it is called "no cojones". Like any bully I guess the idea is always to be certain that one's target is someone unprotected and weaker than you. No consequences that way and a phony sense of power that just fuels the behaviour even moreso.
At that point my supervisor arrived at my workstation. She asked for my timesheet so she could sign off on it, given that all permanent staff had been given today off. Now the email that had been circulated from the company president himself had said that we contractors were allowed the option of working the day for pay or taking the time off without compensation. It was obvious my supervisor wasn't going to accept me choosing the latter. Her comment was that she would be flexible in accepting me being in either on Friday or Saturday. Whichever worked best for me. Now all logic said that her need for those stats by Monday was the driver, but because I was already quite rattled and because she really seemed tense the paranoia shifted in to over drive. Maybe she was being told that I could miss no more time because of all the time I was away when I was sick. That doesn't make sense in the context of the culture of the company, but sometimes departmental leaders don't reflect that value system. Given that the issue about bringing me in to the company's temp pool instead of working through the agency was also not raised, it emphasized that line of thought too. The logical brain was asking why I would be asked to do those stats when my supervisor could run them herself if she didn't like my work or didn't trust me - the inference I was drawing from the first two thoughts. Pushed all the unease back to the back of my mind again and tried to carry on with mv analysis. I had sent my supervisor an update of what I had discovered to that point in time, but I had only been though about 10% of the data by then. A snapshot of trends was all. Maybe that was the decider for her. The other comment was that only the perfumed coworker would be present today - the rest of the contract staff electing to stay home even though they were noting they weren't meeting their deadlines either. Hmmm. More speculation, less comfort. At the end of the day that coworker was asking the others in her work area if they thought she should validate her train ticket on the way home. Well yes of course. We have to pay transit fares here and the fine if caught without a ticket is quite steep. Her response was that she only wanted to know whether the odds of her getting caught were high enough for her to waste validating one. There was a silence on the other side of the partition then one of the women commented that it was illegal and that the transit police did check either on the trains or at the stations at random. The coworker just asked again if they really thought that she would get caught. And I'm to be on the floor alone with her am I?
Today I caught an earlier bus by going to the stop on the main street in our community. Stampede Parade day means really jammed transit and the whole system is shut down at a certain point in time because the crowds lining the parade route make running the service too risky. Usually even so, one has to wade through several layers of people all staked out with chairs, umbrellas, and other elaborate setup just to get in to the office buildings on parade day. Today the busses and train still were relativerly empty and the streets still had a lot of empty space on them for more watchers to fill. Arrivd in the office just after 7 am and found the perfumed worker already there. She said she came in at 6 am. I was trying to get going on the stats but she was very determined to talk. Topic. My personal life - the single parent thing - how long had I been on my own. 14 years. My sons were they good boys. Well they are all men now but yes they are. Did I have a car. What had caused my marriage to end. And so on. I've learned not to discuss personal issues with coworkers because that information is often misused. Tried to divert that line of questioning to work related issues but then the questions were about my training and qualifications - what are they? Second time that's been asked lately. Just not comfortable with that. At that point the one young male who works in our department called up. He is contract too and decided to come in but had forget his security card - could we let him in. The coworker left to do that and I had my headphones on by the time the two of them arrived back. Wonderful invention - headphones.
Tried another approach to the statistical analysis and at least was able to review about 75% of them today. Other than a half hour break to go grab lunch and eat I didn't move from in front of that screen. I popped down to the food court on the plus 15 level about 11:30 am trying to miss the crowds. That worked fine, but who did I see approaching me as I was headed for the vendor I like best. That one guy from the last contract that kept backing me in to corners and trying to touch me. What was he doing there? The other company is about six blocks away and a pretty brisk walk in between. I ignored him even though he had planted himself right in front of me. Glad there were a lot of people around so I could keep some distance between us. On the way back to the elevators to my office tower I was stewing over whether it was safe to get in the elevators on my own. I didn't want to risk finding him waiting inside one or jumping on board at the last minute either. Paranoia, but at the one company where I needed to talk with the lawyer to stop the harassment the elevators had become a psychological weapon of sorts for the bullies. Fortunately there was a very nice gentleman in proper cowboy gear waiting on the one elevator when I arrived. He even had a sheriff's badge on. He stepped out of the elevator when I arrived then held the doors open for me. I did my best to thank him kindly as he left. Made me feel safe enough to at least continue the day. In the afternoon the two young female summer students arrived to work too. That made the work experience a little less eerie too. Maybe it is just that the other coworker and I have such different values that there isn't much common ground. Could be I'm just jealous because the idea of looking out for number one regardless of how it affects others is just something I can't do. Maybe I should be more like that. Maybe not. As I was working away a couple of times it was as though I was receiving lessons from the Dalai Lama about that. He commented at one point that I needed to remember the rule about non attachment. Not just with respect to things either. Non attachment to outcomes, non attachment to how others say they see you and non attachment by extension to what your reputation is or is not in the community. Let that settle in to my heart and bones bones too as Teresa of Avila would counsel. I felt very comforted and cosseted both by the words and the presence. All just in my head some would say - non attachment right? - but that's where I really need it most. Om mane padme hum.
�
�
