9:32 p.m. - 2003-12-26
Reflections
There were a few things different about Christmas Day this year. I thought them over today when fatigue had eased.
My guys and their cousins are mostly teens and young adults now. In some ways I really miss having small children about. They see everything they experience with fresh eyes and a zest to learn. Keeps one open to life as well. The joy they express at the smallest pleasure, reminds one to be grateful for what there is instead of what there isn't. What was always difficult though was the amount of energy it took to be available emotionally to them all the time and yet still act like a parent instead of a wannabe friend.
As young adults new relationships can be formed with them that are based on the exchange of ideas or perceptions. Gone is the need for vigilance over behaviour and the desire to protect them from anything that might make them feel afraid. Enough of that outside our doors - right? All one has to do to let these relationships go is release the need to be the parent - paradox. The reward is the intellectual stimulation and the fresh insights they offer, into old patterns of thought and interpretation one brings from one's own childhood conditioning. Not a bad exchange. Yesterday it was a wholly enjoyable time to just talk with them each about what they think about the world today. Even had some hope when I went home. Not bad in a year where international events often left me in despair.
I didn't read cards yesterday either which is unusual. It was a relief though for a couple of reasons. First, when I spend the whole time doing that I don't get to just visit or hang out. Although I get a more in-depth feel for what's going on in each person's life by what I read, I also get all the "dirty laundry" that goes with it. Everyone needs somewhere safe to vent - and I am that - but I'm usually exhausted by it for a long time after.
The other reason is that there are two people who are usually present who I simply can/will not read cards for. Why? Well, one thing I have learned the hard way, from years of working on astrological charts ar reading cards, is that if the gut instinct says not to, then one doesn't do a reading. Both people in question are very demanding about wanting that attention whenever they are near. The one person is just not stable enough mentally for me to work with them; the other actually makes me feel physically sick when they approach me. For her there is a meaness and a level of "greed" - that's not quite the right word, but I don't really have any better - that makes me feel under attack.
I haven't encountered too many people who fall into that category, but when I had the privilege of learning from two very highly respected healers about a decade ago, both acknowledged there were people who came to them whom they could not interact with either. They said it was because there was a karmic debt that the other had that they needed to work through and accept the consequences of without downloading on to another. Interference from an outside party (like themselves) meant they would be the ones left with the fallout - harming themselves and also allowing the other person to not gain the lesson they had to learn this lifetime.
I don't know whether that fits here or not, but there are two or three other people over time who I've refused to read for who I later learned had done something really vicious. Each time, their dunning me for a reading was a conscious act on their part to try and avoid the consequences they could see developing from their actions. Anytime I did "help" there were negative consequences for me - it really did seem that I got the "punishment" and they not only got off scot free but continued in their destructive behaviours. I find the person in question now has reached the stage where there are verbal attacks directed at me when there are a lot of witnesses present - usually some type of ridicule or putdown - that are posited as just joking or teasing. Yesterday, when there were no cards in the picture it seemed that the rest of the family could see a little more of her aggression that is usually hidden by the focus on the readings. Don't know, that one is a lot harder to explain even to myself. I'm not certain i understand the dynamics or the psychology behind it.
With my Uncle and his family present, and the death of our cousin so recent, there also seemed to be a shift in the old patterns of thought and interaction among my siblings. I'm not certain why it was so, but it might have been similar to what happens when you treat young adult relatives as peers instead of "children of the family". A part of our childhood family is completely missing now, so the "anchors" they contributed to those old patterns are less stable. The old rules of engagement somehow had been changed and new interactions were starting to be visible. The other factor was probably some life experiences that had happened to each sib in turn - no one can really see themselves the way they did a few years ago. When that happens every relationship one has comes up for review and renegotiation - unless one is in complete denial.
When I arrived home last night I also found I had a very nice voice mail from my supervisor. He just apologized for not connecting with me before the holidays and left the standard wishes for good things for my family and me for the season, but it made me feel better in some way. There is some big change happening in the data management firm, maybe more than one, and I think that has been eating away at the back of my mind. Work instability with no explanations is very worrying. It also echoes the upheaval that happened a year ago when the original company we worked for was merged into the new entity. Also, I think I have a habit of reading more into silence than is there in a negative way. Having been raised to reflect on what one could do better, I guess I was taking responsibility for what wasn't my problem. His comments just released the concern and the fact that he sounded less exhausted helped too.
Anyway that is as much reflective time as I can handle right now, think I'll go climb the stairs instead.
�
�
