12:02 a.m. - 2003-05-31
Catatonic
I made a point of dressing up just slightly today - just a little more of an edge than usual. It doesn't change me, but it was meant to send a message to some of my co-workers. I talked about the psychology of clothes between women in one of the earliest entries I made, dear diary, when the message I wanted to send was "leave me out of your battles" when a power struggle was playing out in the department.
Today, one of my co-workers kept coming up and touching my sweater - commenting on it's quality and styling. It doesn't take much to throw some people if their stereotypes are deeply entrenched. What I was trying to get across was that my self esteem wasn't affected by their behaviour. I've already established the confirmed spinster stereotype in their minds, so it's safe to do that now.
One of my sons' "Choose Your Own Adventures" books is set in Japan during the height of Bushido - the cult of the warrior, similar to the idea of the chivalrous knight. In the story, the protagonist never changed their behaviour or intentions, but they would alter their appearance based on the behaviour they wanted to evoke in the people they were dealing with at any given time. The psychology of using someone else's expectations through their own entrenched beliefs to affect their response to you or the situation, I guess. It was something that I was already aware of, but it never occurred to me to use "every day" appearances deliberately to communicate to others before that.
There was a fabric and drapery store I worked in as an assistant manager, for part of the time it took to put my ex through school. The owner was from Montreal and his family had owned the compagnie for several generations. I only met him once, but his comments echoed what had been outlined in my sons' story, in a reverse manner. He told us to pay special attention to the plain woman - the one who came into the shop in curlers and jeans, if we wanted to make our biggest sales. Why? Well, statistically the homemaker, at that time, made about 90% of the spending decisions for her family. You want to make a sale, you speak to the person who will decide in the end.
One of my science teachers explained the same process when he was preparing to go ask for a bank loan. The subliminal message he wanted to send to the banker was one of enough comfort with his financial status that he didn't feel compelled to impress the banker, but at the same time showing enough self respect to dress down, but with style. Sometimes that's all it takes to get your point across.
Cat and mouse - I've been the mouse - for several weeks at work, while the three females take turns being the cat waiting to pounce. The other message I wanted to send was that I wasn't intimidated. Didn't stop them from playing the game, one after the other, all morning and into the early afternoon, but I didn't give them the satisfaction of feeding on the emotional response they were trying to evoke.
Reason for their game? Can't fault me on my work so split the finest of hairs, things that happened two or three months ago and do it so continuously that I finally can't cope. Each time today I had enough documentation to counter any criticisms - just my day to day notes. Finally sent an e-mail to A, near 2 pm letting him know I was feeling the effects. About 15 or 20 minutes later their behaviour stopped. Don't know what it is about him, but no one messes with him - even when just a message was sent.
The only thing that bothers me is that three of the co-workers each in turn tried to find out the name of the lady I walk with at noon. At the place I worked at, where I had been threatened and assaulted, the group had also tried to threaten and intimidate the people I had been friends with. I don't want my walking partner to have to deal with that. At the other place I just kept to myself after a while during the day, my friendships survived behind the scenes.
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