23:09 - 03.05.06
Change up
One of the reasons that I don't socialize much is because of one quaint western custom. It isn't the presence of alcohol that bothers me, anything in moderation is the choice of the person who enjoys such things. The problem is that the definition of moderation can vary so greatly that suddenly one is dealing with sloppy drunk people who believe that they are moderate in their habits. That in itself can be an annoyance depending on one's mood, but when one has survived and tried to move on after escaping living with an alcoholic there is no such thing as a funny drunk. Often times - especially if it is a male - just the smell of the liquor and the container it arrives in is enough to trigger some pretty awful memories for me. Those memories can still cause me to feel physically sick and very unsafe. To avoid allowing those demons any space in my life, I just don't give them the chance to emerge to start with. "But how are you ever going to meet someone?" Why would I want to meet another person like my ex. Don't know.
So why the soliloquay? Well, on Monday I went out with my Dad and sister to shop in one of the big box - cheap-groceries-in-bulk - stores. After our lists were checked off one by one it was decided we needed refuelling ourselves. Ended up at one of the "eggs and pancakes" restaurants and sat chatting about family and political issues. One of the family things was my one son's wedding next month. One of the things I really do like about her faith group is that they are one of the ones that eschews alcohol. I was commenting that I was really looking forward to attending a social function where I didn't have to worry about dealing with those demons being triggered. To my horror my sister said "but didn't you notice that the invitation included the fact that there is going to be a cash bar?" Great. Not only will there be liquor, but also the originator of my nightmares - the boys' Dad, and his mom, who is equally as nasty when drinking. I knew, of course, that they would be in attendance, but had been consoling myself that their behaviour would be less disruptive because they wouldn't have the excuse that the booze made them do it. Bitter? Yes. Every social function I attended while married, where either of those two attended, was an extended excercise in humiliation and often fear. That part came after, while returning home mind you, but still the beginnings were always at those functions. It was even more upsetting to hear my sib and my Dad state they really didn't think the boys' dad was a "bad" drunk. He made funny jokes and wasn't really mean. Well I don't know about constant putdowns and crudeness being considered all that funny, but the mean part was masked until there were no witnesses. Maybe they were just trying to make it seem less of a problem, but it actually made it worse. Denial is the major symptom of an addiction. Our society's blindness to the damage alcoholism has on the immediate family and it's enabling of the behaviour are tools that the alcoholic uses to create an even more punishing environment. Everyone else seems to diminish or demean you for the pain you feel because "it's only the booze talking", yet at the same time there are massive studies citing the cost of alcoholism to the economy and to businesses. Yes well that is the least of the damage done. That is just about money, not about the harm done to human beings. That is the visible part of the sydrome - the funny drunk - but that is the mask not the reality. Often the funnier the drunk the crueller they are when their audience isn't present.
That was one of the reasons I didn't post to you yesterday dear diary. The rant that would have resulted would have been pretty awful. Right now I can still barely contain the frustration I have with the whole conspiracy that allows and encourages the abuse of the sot to continue. If you think an alcoholic is such a wonderful being you live with one for a while. I realize that my son's fiance was trying to find some common ground with which to connect with our family. I think that is a valuable goal but maybe more talking directly to each other would be a better start. Have to try and communicate better myself I guess.
Anyway that's enough venting for now. Yesterday and today were spent on things election - again. More reconciling of accounts with invoices and that rental of an office thing too. Two additional steps added to that process and the paperwork to go with them. Called and asked for clarification before I start negotiating a new lease with the landlord. The federal budget came down with enough support that it looks as though it won't be necessary to worry about an election in the next month or two, but I guess better safe than sorry - right? A lot of communication with some of my key staff just to keep everyone in the loop. A big sigh of relief all around when no major drama occurred in parliament. Yeah. A lot of talk on the phone with family about the wedding and summer plans. I'm stating to feel restless and edgy. Just knowing I need to find a contract soon, before all the money runs out. However it was nice to realize too that I finally felt well enough to care one way or another. Things are getting better - right dear diary. Yes right.
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