18:54 - 13.06.05
Dilemma
By 2 pm this afternoon I couldn't keep my eyes open. Not a very good thing when one is sitting just the other side of glass doors that lead in to the main elevator lobby in a busy records center; and it was busier than usual today. I think it was the walk at lunch that did it. In just under 45 minutes, I walked 15 city blocks to get to the second hand bookstore where I was hoping to find the story "Greenwitch". Into the bargain I was able to browse the shelves for about 10 minutes, so my walking time was just over half an hour. A block every 2 minutes - not bad for someone who is vertically challenged. I had worn my spring coat and I had a hoodie and pantyhose on as part of my day's ensemble, because the precipitiation I saw upon rising this morning looked suspiciously like snow. By noon we were at 18 C/ 70 F. Too hot to be togged up so heavily. I think the body overheated. The exhaustion in the afternoon constituted the body's payback time, I guess.
This morning, the news was that one of the major skyscrapers downtown had to be shut down due to electrical failures. That building is mostly solar/steam powered. I would guess the lack of sunlight the past few weeks had some effect, although the dark is no worse than what we experience during the winter. I was just thankful our building was open. I can't afford any more lost wages. Got in and started running the stats, so that I cold prepare my weekly report. As requested, I compared them to the "real time" stats I had generated as I did the work. On one day alone close to 300 records were no longer there, based on this morning's numbers. When I ran the stats for totals from the beginning of the project - that is using different dates as the locus, even though the range of days were identical - the totals again varied by a number in the hundreds. So what is going on? Are some records being lost in cyberspace or is something else happening?
When I looked up shortly after sending off that report it was to see my supervisor, safely back from Texas. I was listening to Theory of a Dead Man, keeping time to the music. I don't think there were any shoulder shimmies at that point... She was standing with four strangers, all of whom were standing and staring at me working away. One fellow was in jeans and cowboy duds with a young woman in tow in similar garb. She had a cast on her right arm. The other two were suits - one male and one female. Strange combination. At that point, I was pondering a phone call I had received a few minutes earlier from someone who wanted to switch into the dance course. He said it was what he had signed up for to begin with. He was quite upset that he had been excluded when there was obviously enough room for him. I just noted that a very large undertaking, such as this one, always has some glitches in it. He then proceeded to hit on me. Since my job is to make everyone happy would I guarantee him warm hugs from yours truly, when he arrived. I allowed that my six sons all seemed to need that in the morning too. He then went on to make what could be construed as derogatory comments about the physical features of the people whose culture is being showcased in the dance program. As the only male, so far, in the group my concern becomes what if he behaves that way on Friday? My job is to be certain that everyone feels safe and comfortable in the group and has a lot of fun. Homer Simpson isn't really a desired addition.
I was contemplating how to deal with that, when I realized I had such an intent audience. As a result my responses to them were of the "huh"? variety. My mind was a long way away. I was trying to sort out what was important about the issues identified in that phone call specific to the day of the party. My daughters-in-law are both of another culture than the mainstream here, each different from each other too. My grandchildren are biracial and I'm fine with that. I've lived in a multicultural enclave in the city for over a quarter of a century. I really prefer that to "a single flavour of ice cream" or having to only choose one type of flower to exist in all the world, as it were. There is a richness and vitality in my community that just doesn't exist in most other parts of the city. Cosmopolitan in the best sense of the word. My sons' friends come from all sorts of backgrounds and experiences, as do mine. I've worked with groups trying to ensure certain standards of human rights and civil liberties for decades. That means I can get on my high horse about this morning's caller's comments in a hurry. But over-reacting to something said with no intent of offense, just creates resentment or entrenches it.
Then I was off in my mind, thinking of the problems I've had administering an office of 60 - 80 staff of multiracial makeup during elections. Two elections ago, I lost about 2/3s of my non-caucasian staff because of the behaviours of the staff I've spoken of during the last election. They used their positions as supervisors to apply their own discriminatory policies. None of the staff who refused to work would tell me what had happened or who was being abusive. As a result, it became even more challenging to track the sources of the problem down. It took one whole event to verify who was acting with intent to harass and discriminate, because they hid their behaviour by directing others, who were their subordinates, to deliver their venom. I had to find out exactly what was going on before I could verify who was doing it. Due process was required and also ensuring that people who were being used as the vehicles of abuse weren't scapegoated either. Very difficult it was. And still is for that matter, finding the balance. I was wondering how to do that in this morning's little vignette. Now you understand the "duh" reaction I showed when the visitors walked my way.
One positive came just before lunch. An email from one of the admin staff. The company has sponsored one of the stages for the Folk Festival for the end of July and therefore all staff may purchase tickets with a 20% discount. I decided that I would go to the Sunday performances since it meant I would be able to finally see Steve Earle and Oscar Lopez too. The last concert I recall attending was a double header with Lionel Ritchie and Tina Turner and I was pregnant with one of the boys. My parents had organized it so all my sibs and I had tickets. We all sat together and really enjoyed the show. It was funny because on the drive in to work I was telling my neighbour the story of how I was reunited with one of my cousins at a similar type of entertainment when I was still in High School. The topic of our discussion was why some of our families emigrated to Canada while some stayed behind. I had posited that anyone who chose to change countries and citizenship had to be an adventurer. Someone who not only could deal with change, risk and ambiguity, but craved and created it - like my cousin. She is one person I have always admired. After she finished high school, she backpacked across western Europe then worked in Germany as a housemaid. She wanted to learn the languages and culture. As far as I know, when she left Canada she only spoke English and a little bit of French. She was gone for at least a year. I was on the dance floor at our college one night with a group of my friends. We lived by both the university and the college so we often chose those social functions over the ones offered by the high school - cheaper to get in and more mature males, don't you know. I was wearing a baby doll wrap and cuffed wool pants. All of a sudden I found myself scooped up by a male dancing next to me. His lighted cigarette had dripped embers down in to the cuff of my pants. They were starting to burn. He was patting the fire out. When I looked up I saw his dance partner laughing at me. It was my cousin. She noted that here she had only been back in Canada a few hours and already it seemed that she couldn't get away from our huge extended family. She told me a bit about her adventures which I could then relay to my parents even before my Aunt and Uncle were told.
This afternoon another party of visitors arrived about the time I started feeling as though I was going to black out. This time I didn't even try to interact. I figured just staying conscious and appearing productive was the best result I could hope for. I don't know who all the tourists were, but I wanted to make a good impression. Whoever they were my supervisor was giving them the royal treatment, so that was the least I could do. Right?
On the way out the door tonight one of the co-workers who went out of her way to be kind when I was ill rode down in the elevators with me. Was I going to the dinner on Friday night? I hemmed and hawed - I still really don't want to. She seemed to be aware of my reluctance. She just said she would be on her own too. She is widowed and just moving out of the home she shared with her spouse. She mentioned that a couple of other people who would be there as singles and suggested we sit together. That made me feel a lot better. As long as I leave shortly after the dinner the journey home on transit will be safe enough. Right now though, I'm still really tired so I think I'll go try to get some sleep - got to be ready and lively for Friday.
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