9:02 PM - 20.01.05
Head Games
Sorry about last night dear diary, but the servers for Diaryland crashed and burned. Glad they are so dedicated to keeping this site going. Only one day without my writing fix.
Yesterday is already a bit blurry. Work was non-stop, except for the weekly project meeting. I popped into the chiropractor at noon - ah that work on the one shoulder felt good, and picked up scents - white flower oil (for colds), sandalwood and mandarin oranges, on the way. Yes I know - I needed the other type of sense too as was clearly demonstrated to me by the end of the work day.
First up was the weekly project meeting. My supervisor directed all his comments to or about my co-worker. I might as well have not been there for the first half. That went on until the project liaison asked some questions about the work I was doing. My supervisor had sent in the comments that my co-worker and he had submitted, but on Tuesday when I went to get the laptop fixed had said what I had written wasn't necessary to document, so that work wouldn't be on the report. Fine. The liaison though asked the very questions I had addressed in writing. I answered and was asked for more information. It seemed to irritate my supervisor. At one point, he turned to my co-worker and made a point of making arrangements to meet with him on Friday, again acting like I wasn't there. Fine. All I've done on this assignment is index the documents that I'm supposed to. I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not going to beg or fight for attention.
I stopped working late in the afternoon. At the workstation by the kitchen, there is a large drawer with a working lock so I left the laptop there and hid the key on the desk. No one seems to object to my presence there and I don't think it is asking too much to have a chair and a storage drawer for me to use when I work. Next up, I went by his new office to see if my tech from the election was still around. I wanted to get him sworn in for the Automation position that Elections Canada says we have to fill now. I'd already asked when I had spoken with him earlier and had given him the required paperwork - government, right. He needed to get clearance from his new boss for the possible time off and that was fine. They want to start training in Ottawa next month so he'd need to negotiate that. He hadn't had a chance to fill everything and instead decided to leave when I came by, so we walked to the train together.
He must have been watching my reaction to the day, because he wanted to know what else was bothering me. At that point I needed to vent even though I know better. Talking about things has never made me feel better. Usually it just makes things worse because more people know and "more cooks spoil the broth". However, I needed someone to tell me that I was feeling paranoid, so that I could get on with it. I explained about my discomfort with the coworkers' fathers involvement in my work life two years ago, when he tried to recruit me. There is just a bit too much to the co-incidence thing for me to believe that he didn't send his son to the document management company armed with the information he had gained from me while he was "interviewing" me for that bogus agency.
At the last workplace where I walked out, one of the things that was done to force me to relate to the brother was to make it so I had to use his chair and his storage space and his computer account, because they were the only place where a lot of my work could be done and we've already gone over the issue with my personal belongings. Yet here again in this assignment the same scenario - just short of being told to sit on their lap. Sorry lost my belief in Santa Claus a while back. I object to being forced to socialize with people, when we have absolutely nothing in common. Work on task together - no problem, but that's it. The only reason I go to work is to feed my family. I don't have any time for my friends or family as it is and, as I've mentioned before, one of my resolutions is to only have people in my life that are compatible, by my definition, not someone else's.
I talked about those things and the fact that my supervisor doesn't seem to want to talk to me about anything. It's like dealing with a blank wall. I told him about some of the things I had seen while working in this industry and some of the scary things that had happened when I worked on some of the Amnesty International dossiers. I think I've written about that before. I didn't tell him all that much though - too weird some of it and I still can't get my head around all the pieces of information. I did say that I know that part of what is operating on me is the paranoia built up from the last assignment. I explained what had happened there and how it retriggered the post traumatic stress responses (good old DSM IV definition, don't you know) from that other workplace assault several years ago. What I needed to hear from someone else was where my perceptions were out of sync with reality because of that. When I worked with survivors of torture, I saw how it operated as an observer, but there were some reactions I really couldn't understand - at least not until now. He did say that I was over-reacting a few times. I appreciated that, but he also validated things that I really didn't want to think were real either. Puts me back to where the paranoia really takes hold of the mind too much. Anyway not his responsibility to get me back on track - only I can do that I guess.
When we got to our station he offered me a ride home since he had parked there instead of taking the bus. Meant I got home not much later than I normally would have. Good thing. Number three son came by with a young lady he has been desperately courting for about a year now. one of those "she's still stuck on an old flame but he treats her like dirt" country songs. Really nice girl and she didn't think having a house full of cats was odd either. She grew up partly on an acreage and loves animals. She just started going back to school with the idea of veterinary care being her ultimate career anyway. She also is trying out for a position in a vet clinic this weekend and said she would try helping us get all the kittens adopted through them. The first person to understand - other than my youngest - why I don't want to just dump them at the humane society when their kill rate right now is about 50%. She asked if I would read her palm and her cards for her and we heard stories about the ghost in the house she rents. Number three son swears he has seen it too. Way cool. I think he's found a keeper. I'm always nervous when I meet the boys' newest flames, because I'm afraid I'll say or do something wrong. Don't think that will be an issue here. They came back tonight for a visit. She has decided to adopt one of the kittens and asked for visitation rights if I please. Bonus, I get more time with her and number three son both.
Back at work this morning opened that new to me drawer. The computer was on and it was hung up on a program even though it had been powered completely off last night and wasn't hooked up to any power source. Strange too, was that two of the regular staff were asking the client's tech to help them, because their computers wouldn't power up at all - the one hadn't even been shut off the evening before - just locked. Maybe my son's girlfriends' ghost followed me to work. I had to ask my co-worker to help get the laptop shut down because I couldn't get the off button to go down to connect either.
Set up and started keying as usual. By 9 am my fingers were so cold I put my coat on to work. For whatever reason the air conditioner over my cubbyhole had been turned on and all that cold air was blowing directly down on the work area. I've gotten to the point where I don't ask for anything from anyone anymore. It's easier just to cobble something together, so I can get on with the work I'm trying to get done by the end of this month. About 10:30 the heat was turned on and I think I was functional again around about 11 am. At that point, my co-worker came by to let me know that he had been given 9 more boxes of binders that hadn't been in the original count. They came from an offsite consultant. Add in three other boxes from one of the scientists on staff and that kind of blows that deadline out of the water. My contract is until the end of February, but I think I'll start sending resumes now with the idea of maybe mid February as a target. I think for my own sake I need to find another way to make enough to keep the sons in video games and the cats in kibble.
Anyway time to go back to the treasure hunt. Apparently some of the cats now have formed attachments to my gloves and winter layers of clothing. Snow in the morning means I need to find at least something presentable to cover up with. Good night dear diary.
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