12:59 a.m. - 2003-03-26
delta T
My astrologer warned me there'd be times like this. Boundaries - I'm very poor at setting them. Means there are people and situations in my life that are detrimental to me. Over the past few years I've been clearing those things out one by one, but they keep coming back to haunt me or test my resolve. The other side is in not trusting anyone any more either. Any good psychoanalyst would opine that that means one doesn't trust oneself. I've already expressed my opinion of said profession in earlier posts. Not. In brief, the only person I trust anymore is me. Do I need or want anyone else in my life right now. Can't say - that changes hourly. End introspection.
I used to ride to work with a mom I volunteered with for years. It was an ok relationship, but in addition to a brilliant wit there was also a cutting tongue and a propensity to some fairly nasty negative gossip about - well everyone else. I found it was wearing me down and I began to hear myself speaking in similar patterns. That mom has access to a lot of very personal details about people as part of her job. Some of what she said and did was very disturbing. On the other hand, she was always very kind to me and we both found the hour of venting each way very helpful. On the other hand the reduction of exercise from not taking the train and the lack of social interaction that goes with public transportation had negative physical and psychological effects on me. I need to be among a variety of people without the requirement to do more than be present. She was driving by the bus stop this morniing and I hopped a ride with her, getting into work a bit earlier. Good for today but not for the long haul I think - I like transit.
I know odd. Yesterday, when I was on the elevator going back to work at lunch, two other ladies got on with me. One said, " someone here is odd" she paused and then jabbed her finger at me and said "that would be you". She then laughed and pointed at the floor numbers we had punched. Both the other ones were even floors. OK. I just laughed and thanked her for noticing, said that someone had to have the task of balancing off the even people of this world. The other lady looked like she just wanted to get off the elevator as quickly as possible. Odd exchange.
C is starting to show a lot of stress with our job. The ambiguity and capriciousness of our situation is really starting to get to her. The weird stuff we keep discovering is also concerning her deeply. Taken incident by incident, it can be explained away. But the constant problems and the volume of odd occurrences represent a pattern both of us worry about a great deal. It's hard to resist feeding each other's angst or the negative feelings that are generated from the lack of response we get when we raise those concerns and the lack of feedback or support that we should have. Haven't heard from my supervisor for quite some time. Makes me edgy, because I feel abandoned. To have each issue dismissed or diminished doesn't alter the patterns we are seeing. D seems to take them seriously but anger is what we get higher up.
Next odd thing, day two of half day meetings for permanent staff. We weren't informed, again, that the whole group would be off the floor. Does the administration think that saying nothing means that it won't be noticed? There was an e-mail yesterday offering a course in a couple of weeks on dealing with or leading in changing/transforming environments. Merger, takeover or buyout? There'd be less room for speculation if some honesty was undertaken with us.
Went to my chiropractor at lunch - regular appointment. Not. He had a new patient and never did emerge from that treatment. It's lucky I didn't know that getting up this morning. Reminding myself it would only be a few more hours until I got some painfree time was what got me out of bed this am. He has never missed an appointment with me before and I'm certain there was a good reason why he missed today. I just rebooked for tomorrow. Toughed out the rest of the afternoon.
Final comments? Picked up the instructions and materials for my Elections Canada assignment at the post office today. Finally. We were supposed to have had them at the beginning of the month. Deadline? March 31 - six days from now to have an office and key staff in place complete with budget and logistics for a key task all sewed up. Uh huh. At least the tone of the e-mail that accompanied the shipment was apologetic. Good thing. This state of readiness usually implies an event is imminent, but no confirmation one way or another.
Don't trust anything I see right now, because no one seems to be putting any of their cards on the table. When I did my chart progression and some other forms of prognostication in January - my birth month - everything came up that April would be a time of massive change and transformation. Got that right. It would be nice if even some of it was positive for me personally. Guess I'll have to adjust my attitude to look for and create the positive for myself. After all, I can't control what other people do or choose.
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