1:29 p.m. - 2002-08-24
Catharsis
Wordy,convoluted. That's what my last entry sounded like when I went back and read it this morning.
However, it did reflect how I felt - confused and frustrated. Often in the past, I would deal with problems by writing out whatever was in my head without censorship. Then I would go back later and find the threads of a solution unravelling as I followed the different avenues my mind and heart were opening up for me. Often there were multiple writing sessions, followed by periods of incubation where ideas would swirl around in my head each offering themselves up for sacrifice to my dilemmas.
At the same time, I would use my astrological chart as a mandala (meditation tool)too. Often, when we're stuck in a challenge it's because we are only looking at something from a single point of view. Both of these processes provided a safe means to work things through.
When I was comfortable that I had reached a good or, at least, acceptable resolution, I would hold a ritual burning of the masses of paper that had accrued in the process. It was a very satisfying form of closure. Flames have a cleansing effect on the spirit because they burns away the pain; the cold ashes can be washed away after, symbolizing the tears. It is a good way to let go of the parts of one's past that are barriers in your life so that you can move forward. It helped me survive a very bad marriage and a time where I was on my own with six children needing to be cared for without the resources to do so. It centered me throughout those early days of re-entering the workforce and building a life that was healthier and safer for all of us.
When I reflected on what I wrote last night I could see a lot of the good that is hidden in this experience. I am now working with people both in the company that employs me and the company we consult to who are truly likeable, whom I can respect, whose life experiences make them exceptional teachers for me, and who I can support in return. A lot of people at our worksite were scared away by the "Queen of Mean" - they are now coming forward to work with us.
What was so awful about the "Queen of Mean"? This is a description of her behavior. A female who had serious anger management problems. To me, it appeared as though some of that was a well planned act to keep people from scrutinizing what she was actually doing too closely - like a big dog with big teeth barking at you from the other side of the fence. She also had no compunction about creating friction and communication breakdowns among co-workers. I also witnessed what appeared to be deliberate acts of damage to other people's work in order to make them look incompetent or to embarass them. She was threatening violence both to herself and family members at one point because they weren't doing what she told them to. People in the work place were afraid to ask for what they needed in order to do their work. A lot of malicious gossip seemed to be emanating from her and a couple of people in the company we were supposed to serve. It was hard to go into such a poisoned atmosphere every day, but it was nearly impossible to prove what was happening. Maybe it fit into the problems that were happening with the computers or maybe not - it is impossible for me to say. I know the day that really scared me was the day there was a report on the radio about the death of a little girl at the hands of a serial killer. This co-worker got excited. Now I have a friend who is absolutely fascinated by serial killers in that she reads every book and watches every media piece that comes out on the subject. This was different and it was creepy. In all fairness though, I guess the fact that I didn't like her behavior probably means I was reading a lot more into her reaction than was there, but I didn't want to be anywhere near her after that.
When I was an at home mom I did a lot of volunteer work and it often involved people with a personality/behavior profile like hers. Some were attracted to the committees I worked on because it gave them the facade of being a good solid citizen when they were, in fact, doing some pretty awful things like stealing from the fundraising or abusing kids or whatever their particular power thing was. Some were in programs that I worked in like Survivors of Torture and Amnesty International. Turns out the "bad guys" see it as a way to track their victims in order to intimidate, harass or inflict even more suffering. There are a number of terrorist organizations with people salted away in Canada and helping organizations again give them a facade of respectibility and also access to some very powerful networks through which they can act if they aren't detected. Then there are the political powerbrokers - the backroom boys - enough said. I also worked with family support/mental health agencies for about seven years, while volunteering. That involved working in counselling sessions so I have seen a consistent pattern of warning signals that, especially if clustered together, mean a very disturbed or nasty individual.
The frustrating part is that even though she is gone now, I am being asked to clean-up a lot of the problems she created. That was, in a lot of ways, the background for the meeting I was referring to in the entry "Body Language". I don't mind but I don't feel I should have to accept the anger and frustration expressed by my boss and the company liaison about it. I had tried explaining the problems over the past two months but I get the feeling that what I said was being dismissed by them saying "she's just not feeling well" or "she's over-reacting because of personal stresses". Or maybe I'm just projecting my feelings on to them - see what I mean about being confused?
Truth is the stress this woman was causing probably contributed greatly to the length of time I was ill. I can't really burn the electrons on this "page" of my diary but writing this is catharsis all the same. Maybe I'll go have a nice hot bath instead to wash it all away.
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