10:00 p.m. - 2002-08-23
Body Language
I like my boss. He is truly skilled in many areas and I want to learn what he has to teach. He also projects a strong image of self-knowledge and self-awareness that is very rare. It is fascinating to watch the dynamics this creates in challenging situations.
However, there is a very harsh side to his energy that feels inflexible and judgemental. It can be quite painful to be exposed to it. For example, I have been very ill and I keep finding myself apologizing for the inconvenience it has caused. I understand, from his point of view, that the work must be done and done flawlessly, but right now I can't do that at the speed he is expecting. This contract was underscoped and none of us were involved in its development and decision making. In addition, it has had a lot of challenges not forseen in the beginning including what appears to be some sabotage (see Power Complex entry). Everything that is required can be done, but not in the original timeframe. This has been complicated by a breakdown in communication because everyone on the team is having more and more work/responsibility piled on them without the supports in place to make it work. Frustration and fatigue are taking a heavy toll and, in a group where everyone is a perfectionist, this could become a volatile situation. Everyone is dedicated to making this a success and it is worth the effort to reopen the channels for communication but it demands constant mindfulness to ensure everyone is included. (United we Stand)
For example,I was talking with my boss this morning about a meeting we had with the liaison of the company we are consulting to. Body language became an issue for everyone at the table so that time was necessary to iron out some misunderstandings.
My co-worker and I both felt she had been given direction to take on a certain task based on the fact that my boss solely had eye contact with her during that part of the discussion and it was frequent. Neither of us had any problem with that, but we wanted confirmation of the directive. In female groups this would be the case since power is usually exercised indirectly through body language.
My boss felt he was just being polite by including everyone in the conversation. He takes lack of eye contact as rudeness. In many cultures eye contact is considered to be disrespectful because it is too intimate. I tend to feel this way and I usually only make eye contact in formal settings, like meetings, to emphasize a point, to teach, or to give direction. Neither of us is right or wrong - each has our own definition of our personal space and our safety or comfort zone.
My boss and our liaison felt that my body language conveyed too high a level of stress. I wasn't aware of anything except that my head ached.
Another example of an opposite dynamic comes into play for me sometimes - one I had had to unlearn very quickly when I rejoined the formal (paid) workforce. For many years, as a volunteer in a classroom, I used physical closeness, like an arm around a shoulder, to aid learning by providing comfort to an unsure student or to assist in focussing attention on the material being learned for students who were distractible.
In addition, North Americans maintain the greatest physical distance from each other when socializing/speaking. Because I live in a community with so many different ethnic and cultural backgrounds I learned over time that distance was perceived as coldness and so I learned to get over my own discomfort and move closer to the people I spoke with. When I moved back into the formal workplace people were visibly uncomfortable and almost seemed to interpret it as over-assertive or over-familiar. Again neither way is right or wrong, they are just different ways of communicating.
I guess I'd better learn to be comfortable with more eye contact.
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