18:18 - 08/24/2009
Anniversary
We've reached our seventh anniversary as a couple, dear diary. I can't thank you enough for being there for me all these years. Non-judgemental and silent - no unsolicited advice or impossible solutions that are based on a world view - middle income - that I seem barred from entering. Well that's not entirely true, is it? After all, I did have two jobs a lot of the time during our past years together, but when one is raising six sons on their own, even that income just barely meets their basic needs. I still wish I could have done more, but I did do the best I could with what I had. Not good enough for the middle income critics who seemed to abound in my life, but I wonder if any of them could have done as well as I did. I don't really think they could. Still, it would be nice just once not to feel so far behind the eight ball. Not too much to ask.
Anyway whine with cheese, when I should be expressing gratitude for all the times you were there when I had no one else to talk with. Psychologically and emotionally you kept me on track and able to raise my sons to be good men. All with partners now, working and supporting their own families and paying their taxes as well. Yes, even my youngest has just found another job working in a security position. Passed all his pre-screen tests in the 80's and 90 percent range. Hmmm, concealed weapon recognition? Don't think that was ever part of his formal schooling. The only barrier has been the upfront cost for the required medical and background checks. Well over $100 dollars, when we really don't have that even for necessities right now. However, maybe when his first paycheque arrives it will ease the strain a little.
A third quality assurance company has signed me on to carry out assignments, so that is also a step forward. Still not enough to pay all the bills, but some money coming in is always better than none for certain. It also gave me a very much needed psychological boost, since they approached me. I had recently received praise from the main company that I have worked for when I was talking with one of their specialists a couple of weeks ago. Been working for them for a couple of years now. Maybe it was that agent who recommended me to this new company. Whoever it was, I am grateful indeed. I have been sending out more resumes for a more traditional type of job, but it seems most employers are hiring young adults. Guess the significantly lower wages paid to them are the inducement.
Even knowing the reasons for hiring choices, as well as knowing it is taking job seekers in this province an average of eleven weeks to find new employment, it is hard not to sink into depression at times. Especially when dealing with the energy companies and service providers. No quarter given there. A+ has helped a lot as usual, by spending time with me. Went to the street festival in Chinatown a couple of weekends ago and really enjoyed trying to learn to take better actions photos. Capturing martial arts students whirling about with swords and other weapons in their control was a real challenge. Photographing the lion dancers was another tricky situation, since so many people were crowding close trying to soak in the ambience created by their presence. We also wandered about around our end of town carrying out various errands. Picked up that cd I won almost a month ago, for one thing. It was fascinating to discover the building in which the news publication- the source of my prize - was located. The interior of the building had been cultivated into one of the most calming garden spots I've seen in a long time. It would be worth going to work there just to soak up the serenity and peace that permeated the whole structure. A+ has also put up with my bouts of crankiness when I've been swallowed up by the depression. He just tries to divert my attention with movie therapy or good discussions about things political. Lots of subject matter to draw on there, for certain.
I've tried to divert my mind into more positive perspectives by focussing on non-monetary pursuits. A+ has loaned me his camera, so I have gone out on my own walks to capture local wildlife. I did make a beginning on my photo essay for my youngest son's new daugther and posted it for her entertainment on Facebook. I was even able to keep any rants out of the project by simply just naming the location of the photo rather than why it was a significant part of my youngest's childhood development. Still recalling all the volunteer work, and the enjoyment that brought, was another non-monetary pleasure that no one can take away from me. The one politician I worked with gave me a powerful tool one day, when I was stressed about all the resistance to building a family park in this area. He said, "Just go out to the park itself and watch the pleasure it brings to so many people. Whatever else the opponents of the project can do they can never steal that back from those who have experienced it". Every child who laughs with delight in that park is an accomplishment and a victory for the work we did. It is what makes all the abuse we took worthwhile.
Some of my older sons have been by to visit with their children in tow, so photos of them have been accummulated for future admiration too. The raspberry bushes in my backyard finally fruited about the time my youngest returned home. Meant that my sons' visits were mostly conducted outside with grandbabies and Dads enjoying berry picking in the hot sun. My oldest arrived at my home early one morning last week with a new-to-me computer as well. My youngest says that at least technologically I've now joined the 21st century. Whatever.
Dreams have been one of my most unusual refuges - the subject matter being intriguing to say the least. The most powerful of those was about a worshipful ceremony/ritual that was made up entirely of humans. In the center, what first looked liked colourful butterflies turned out to be all women in various forms of Asian dress styles. Colourful, beautifully sculpted clothes they wore in all the jewel tones. Forming a sacred square around them, made of crystal and silvery light, were people praying - I was in that group. Around us was a swirling mass of people from all over the world - it reminded me of the tawaf (circumambulation) taken around the Kaaba in Mecca somehow. The whole ceremony was non-faith based - no religion was embedded in those rituals. It just seemed to be a spontaneous act of gratitude on the part of all the participants for the privilege of being alive. Hmmmm.
Next dream was of my own home. Somehow the funds had been made available for me so that I could build a sacred space in the attic. All the other critical repairs and replacements appeared to have been done - the heating system installed and the insulation upgraded first, for example. Right now the attic is just an open space under my roof. But, in the dream, a sprung floor had been installed and two huge windows had been inserted into the north and south walls - sunlight and starlight flooding in in their times and cycles. At night I could lie there and watch the heavens turn about my home. During the day, it became a dance studio with a barre and ceiling-to-floor mirror on the long wall, so that I could stretch before working through yoga asanas, shimmies and plies, in addition to all other dance forms. I seemed to be able to summon up the resources for any creative project I chose, be it writing or singing or creating something with my hands as I saw fit. Outside I had been allowed to plant the gardens I had always wanted around the perimeter of the house, so that lush beauty filled my sight wherever I looked. My grandchildren and the cats moved in and out freely, sharing the creativity with me.
Another dream was of A+ and I travelling the world together - teaching it seemed. That one slips in and out of my consciousness, not really solid enough in details to describe. Trains and ancient churches, mountains and meditation... It seems to be a pleasant and productive experience where we are asked to share our knowledge and experiences gained throughout this lifetime. Our students wanted to hear what we had to say. It seemed to be a very happy life. Maybe someday....
Anyway my youngest just arrived back from having his physical done, so I guess I'd better go make some supper. Thanks again for your gentle consideration and kindness, dear diary. My unending gratitude is yours for always.
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