23:00 - 02/27/2009
The bardo
When my youngest and I walked westward to the store this evening, we witnessed the near astronomical conjunction of the moon and the planet Venus. Conjunction is the term used for the apparent union of two heavenly bodies. Astrologically, the Sabian symbol for the degree of their union - 14 Aries - "a snake coiled near a man and a woman". How very biblical, or tantric, or zen, or none of the above, depending on your point of view. I took it to symbolize the potential union and balancing of yin/yang, positive/negative or male/female energy - binary code, if one ignores all that mythology built around judging one against the other. One cannot exist without the other. "When the night is darkest, men see the stars". Yes indeed. So, maybe the human race is at a tipping point. Maybe some sort of balance is possible. Only likely if there is a conscious choice to bring it into existence. Not really an innate human trait - mindfulness - is it? Hmmmm. Contemplation of the ineffable.
Cascades of endorphins flowed through my mind and body as I listened to the music loaded on my ipod this morning on my way to work. First up Chad Kroeger, then Michael Jackson, followed by the velvet voice of Brook Benton - I feel that vibration in my chakras, next up Ken Hensley (Uriah Heep), Tarkan, Myles Kannedy (Alter Bridge), Fleetwood Mac....Hmmmm a lot of masculine energy in order to bring my anima into harmony, maybe. While I was transferring music files on my computer, thoughts of my Mom were very strong. It's been 11 years, nearly to the day, since she died. Bitter-sweet. The pain of loss transmuted now to sweet memories of happy times. But, still, the tears sometimes too and the loneliness that comes from that empty void in one's life. Empty isn't necessarily bad, since it implies the potential for great creativity, but anyone who has experienced childbirth knows that pain is often also part of the process. The soul of the artist and, again, the ineffable that is nearly impossible to communicate by it's very nature. Sun is in Pisces right now, conjuncting my natal moon in Pisces, squaring my natal Venus and anchored by Saturn in Scorpio. The energies of spiritual awakening, as well as Maya, astrologically.
It was 3 in the am when I had to wake up this morning. Our meet time for work was 5 am. No busses and still -28 C with the wind chill. I dug under the sofa cushions and under the chairs looking for enough coins, so I could pay for a cab. Found it - the equivalent cost of three bus tickets. Bleagh. The cabbie pulled up at 4:10 am and I was waiting for the train by 4:25. That first train of the day arriving 5 minutes later. The ipod on, but trouble with the earphones. They are plastic after all. In temperatures as low as this morning's, they become very hard and brittle. Even at the best of times I fight with them because they are too big to fit in my ears. In this weather it was nearly impossible to keep them in place without just holding them against my head. So, I looked like I had maybe a major migraine? One male commiserating with my "pain" solicitously holding doors open for me and ensuring I was comfortably seated. It's the thought that counts after all. Right?
More discussion with other counters about the lack of hours for work. Each one internalizing a message of "wrongness" or "badness" with respect to themselves and their performance. Not helped along much by the atmosphere at work from the new supervisory team. There is a change of management going on there, with both the new and old teams present, so that might have been the source of tension we all felt. Again, many of the shift's counters were people I had trained or supported at many other counts. I was told very brusquely an hour into the count, that I was not to help anyone anymore because it would slow down my counting. That is a direct contravention of the instructions given to me by the area manager at my performance review. What gives? If accuracy and compliance with the client's requirements were the primary focus, as stated in our briefing, then a little investment of my time in those others would bring the greater benefit in the long run. A discussion among some of those new out-of-town supervisors commenting that the lack of english skills was a barrier to working with those counters I had been helping. Funny, I don't have that problem, but, then again, I don't mind taking the time to listen to what is being said. Parenting 101 in any language.
A lot of the local, native-born counters complaining about the rudeness of those new supervisors too. A lot of it stemming from the fact that very little information or direction was offered freely by the new managers. Even for me, trying to drag it out of them was difficult. First one has to know that a question is required, before even being able to ask it. Sigh. Toward the end of the day there was less coldness, but added in to the distress of a lot of the counters over the lack of scheduled work, it did make for a very strained atmosphere. Also throwing workers off was the command to stop what we were in the midst of doing inside the building and to immediately report outside - in -28 C temperatures - to work in the garden centre. I had a pallet of boxes filled with miscellaneous metal yard decorations as my task to count. My fingers were literally freezing to the metal. The company supervisors were standing right beside me at one point, while I was struggling to cut open repacked boxes. It wasn't until one of the client's staff sidled up to me, when my supervisors weren't watching, that I learned that a list of bar codes and numbers had been prepared and that I could have actually stepped inside where it was warm and there was enough light to see to do my task. Once again indoors, it was the client's staff going out of their way to support us that made our work possible. Giving hints and encouragement when our supervisors weren't present. It was as though they felt sorry for us. Rather demoralizing all together.
At the end of our shift I went to put my outer walking pants on - the lined ones in the style of parachute pants. They had been wrapped up inside my winter coat along with my heavy wool sweater, both of which I wear for the journeys to and from work. There were, what looked like, large water stains on both legs. Odd, since the coat on the outside and the sweater wrapped inside were both dry and clean. Thought that the stain would just dry up and disappear. Didn't happen. It appears that the substance had a grease or oily material in it. You see, I washed them as soon as I got home. They are still badly stained. That is disturbing too, but I don't know why anyone would want to damage my clothing. I work very hard at maintaining positive relationships with all my peers. Lately we have had to support each other more than ever and there is a strong bond built among most of us. I don't believe any of them would consider such a thing, so I have to assume that there is another explanation. There were about a dozen of the crew waiting at the end of the shift all who needed a ride to the train station, being that we were in one of the new outlying communities where there is very little in the way of public transportation available. By the time we emerged from the building it had warmed up considerably. -10 C felt like heaven after the -28 earlier. Add in the sun was shining brightly and we all just sat basking in it's warmth while we waited for the one driver to emerge. Chatted about family and ancestry. The one male who I had given my bus tickets to diffidently offered me a lapel button that I suspect might be part of his own collection. Bob Marley. It was a very sweet gift from someone who has so little material resources themselves. There are a lot of very special people in this world, aren't there. One can't really be measured by what they own. What really matters in the end is how they treat themselves and those they share their lives with.
Napped until my youngest came home tonight, then headed off for those groceries since our cupboard was basically empty. My youngest bearing gifts too. A Dark Knight t-shirt that the company he works for was handing out as a promotional item. He said it was for himself, but it is a size that likely won't ever fit him again. He's quite a bit bigger than me, you see. I don't think I even come up as high as his shoulder any more. Good thing he loves his mom, isn't it? I dreamt about being responsible for providing expatriates from a number of countries the opportunity to vote in their country of origin's elections. I had arrived at the designated polling place and was trying to figure out how to set it up so it was clear which country's voters reported where. There was a huge crowd of electors already eagerly awaiting their chance. They were all trying to rush into the station, even before we had time to set up the tables. The opening of the front door as my youngest arrived home woke me up. Now I think it is time to go back to sleep though. Good night, dear diary. Sweet dreams.
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