20:04 - 06.10.08
Shadows
It has taken awhile for the emotions stirred up by the funeral I attended two Fridays ago to settle. One of my sisters' mother-in-law. About the same age as my Mom would have been. When my brother and I were driving out to the funeral home just east of the city, we talked a good deal about some of the issues that were just too painful to talk about when she died a decade ago. There was still sadness, but time has dulled the edges of our grief.
I cried through most of the service, which is something I would never have done before now. The boys' Dad punished me for any show of emotion - positive or negative - severely. As a result, I had developed and maintained an exceptional "poker face" in order to avoid that abuse. That, in turn, helped me cope through all the political brouhaha I had to deal with as a volunteer and also as a worker in the industry/government contracts I held for the past decade. That form of self-repression also automatically shut down my feelings when my Mom died. Besides, you see, I felt I had to be strong for my sons, my Dad and my sibs.
Sometimes extra-ordinary survival skills come from such dysfunctional responses. But they also become significant barriers to any normal relationship. A+ has helped me feel safe enough to experience and deal with those emotions now. It has been a lot of hard work to face that shadow side of my personality. I am amazed that he has had the patience to put up with some of my reactions, as those emotions thaw and express themselves now. Feeling even a little bit out of control of my emotions is frightening to me. So crying - especially in public at that funeral - was a major step forward. Strange what we count as victories sometimes, but I was conquering my own fears and myself in the process. It is still very confusing for me to think about.
A+ and I had some very long discussions this weekend about what was going on, both in my head and between us, as well. I couldn't process it properly without him reflecting it back for me. I told him about the masks I used to use as my own form of emotional/psychological therapy while I was still married. He seemed to understand that as well. There was one particular book I had read about mask therapy that had a profound effect on my ability to cope with my circumstances and my aboriginal friend - the medicine woman - taught me how those of her culture use them to integrate and express hidden aspects of one's self - the ones I couldn't safely show outwardly in my marriage. A+ and I saw some really evocative masks in one of the Arts Central stores whle we were wandering about downtown that reminded me of that part of my life, you see.
The other reason I grieved at that funeral was because of the loss of such a huge part of the Feminine in North American culture, as represented by the lives of my Mom and my sister's Mother-in-law. The Celebrant at this funeral spoke of all the valuable contributions made to one's home, family, community and society at-large by women who were privileged enough to be a stay-at-home Mom/spouse. I still believe that the greatest contributions I've made to society are those that occurred when I was an at-home parent. I still grieve deeply the lost opportunities to work closely with my sons as they matured, as well as the service I had been able to give freely to my communities of interest, during the time I have had to spend in the paid workforce in order to keep my own family together. Personally, making money for large corporations and their shareholders is not something I see as worthwhile. My own life lost a lot of its meaning during those years of my sons' adolescence. I had to work to live instead of living to do what I have always felt was my real purpose - building family/community. It does matter as much as contributing to any corporate entity, despite all the negativity directed at caregivers through elected politicians and the media. We buy into that sick frame of reference, in the same way we buy into the beliefs about women's bodies and their value only as consumers of products we don't need. End of that rant - for now.
A+ and I headed downtown to sit in on a City Council meeting today. The one date he proposed we try last month. We cuddled a bit on the train. As we were leaving the train to cross over to the Municipal Building, one young man, standing at the door with his bicycle waiting for his stop, grinned at me and sighed "That's Amore", then commented, with a bit of a twinkle in his eye, that there was nothing greater in the world than love. He wished us a good day as we passed him. I think I blushed.
The first order of council business was a celebration of all our Olympic and Paralympic athletes who had done so well during this summer's games. Even more touching was a visit from a returning soldier from Afghanistan. His unit - the Highlanders - had requested our city's flag from the Mayor's office to fly in their camp when they were deployed overseas. He said that they had taken great pride and comfort in seeing it displayed at the entrance to their assigned station. He happened to notice one of our city's aldermen at the airport when he returned home last week. All the members of his unit had signed the flag and asked him to return it to the city fathers and mothers as a thank you in return. The alderman had invited him to do so in person. It made me teary-eyed to witness the transfer. I don't support the military actions occurring in Afghanistan, but I do treasure and value the troops and their work to rebuild a nation torn apart by western agendas that give no consideration and have even less concern for the well-being of the humans - just like us despite all the demonization we and they are subjected to - trapped there by the antics/grand-standing of our weak kneed, so-called leaders. Oops - end of that rant, for now.
The rest of our visit to "Silly Hall" was given over to listening raptly to the Planning Committee's orders of business. Land use issues that inform and underpin the growth and development of our city. Fortunately, we seem to have enough elected officials that are more concerned with the social welfare and development of our communities as opposed to the profits of the corporations at the expense of the humans just trying to scratch out a living here for their families. Comforting in the short term.
My body is demanding some physical release - craving some yoga, downward facing dog and cobras or a bit of belly dancing for the cats' enjoyment as they chase my veils. Good night dear diary.
�
�
