07:48 - 23.09.08
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It has been one solar season since I last wrote to you dear diary. Happy Equinox. We've had steady rain the past couple of days. Washed away all the pollution that has been hovering over the city. In years past, that would have meant major asthma issues for me but, so far, there have been none this season. Sort of captures and reflects the theme running through my life the past three months.
In many ways nothing - materially - has changed for me. Yet in others - emotionally, physically, psychologically and even spiritually - there have been profound shifts. While that was happening, I felt as though I had to let go of recording the flow of time and circumstances so that my perceptions "in the moment" did not influence or inform the evolution and changes that have occurred. Thus I missed talking with you on our sixth anniversary - August 19th - as one of the most profound experiences was unfolding. Could have been because of the eclipse in my astrological sign - conjunct natal Mercury, oppose natal Pluto, with a square to natal Saturn - oh yeah. I apologize for the neglect but, at the same time, I couldn't have articulated anything coherent at that time either.
I am still working for one of the companies I mentioned, when last I wrote. I am physically much stronger and I now have the stamina to work for long stretches of days without interruption. Our work times start and end at all times of the day or night. I often have to check to determine which day of the week it is. Sometimes more than one assignment is scheduled on the same day/night making the work unpredictable and ambiguous. The work itself is physically intense, so although those shifts may be temporally shorter than the usual 8 hours, one feels as though one has worked through an entire day. I've lost one whole dress size - hallelujah and amen. The way I dress and present myself now is entirely different than my physical appearance over the past decade and a half.
Out of the work situation, one new relationship has developed that I cherish with all my heart, mind, body and soul, but that frightens me more than I can say. One of the things that helped me survive the breakdown of my marriage, when the boys' Dad became dangerous through his increasing dependence on drugs and alcohol, was my promise to myself to never, ever enter any relationship again. Over the time I've written to you about my life, I've described the many ways I managed to scare any male interest away during the past 15 years as a single Mom. It has always served me well - up to now. I don't understand why, but each time I've tried to use one or several of the tactics I've developed and perfected he not only doesn't run, he keeps coming back with gentleness, compassion and strength that I still have difficulty believing exists in any one person. I've broken so many of my rules of personal conduct that I feel defenseless and very vulnerable, because I've lost so many of my reference points for living. Trusting him is something I am still afraid to commit to. I don't know how long he will be patient with that. I just don't know what to feel or to think. The fear is overwhelming sometimes - most of the time. My sons are happy about it though.
The hours and wages at my job are still not enough to pay my minimum monthly bills, but that imperative has become secondary for the reasons mentioned above and below this paragraph. I have stories to tell you about working with live bait and live ammunition. I have actually come to feel part of the teams - even though they change daily - I work with in a way that hasn't happened since my volunteer days as an at-home-Mom. In addition to taking inventories for various commercial operations all around the southern part of this province, I also now help run crews, as well as mentor/train new workers when it is requested by my supervisors. I really enjoy those aspects of my work.
It was such a relief earlier this month, when a federal election was called, to not have to deal with the flood of demands and foolishness that occurs at those moments in our country's history. Instead of administering elections as part of my waged work, I have volunteered to work on a long time friend's campaign, changing that entire dynamic in my life too. Because of my work commitments, I was able to provide some help before the writ was actually dropped. Right now I have a two week stretch of assignments that makes any substantive help to the campaign impossible but, hopefully, I can make that up to my friend once again later. One of the things that is most exciting about my new relationship is that we have so many interests - that other people might describe as strange - in common. He actually thinks that attending political events is a good way to spend a date and he also thinks my obsession with maps and demographics is entertaining. We shopped together on one outing just looking for the best map products for my friend's campaign. Hmmmmmm.
Mid-August my oldest son survived a hit and run accident that occurred while he was riding his bike on a main city street. I spent the first day after that incident sitting, first in the emergency room, then later in the trauma unit, of our city's major hospital watching and observing as the staff treated my son for severe head injuries. Skull fracture, concussion, and subdural hematomas meant a backboard for any movement they needed to do with him, as well as being wrapped up in a cervical collar to protect his neck from any further damage. Having worked in a rehabilitation unit at that hospital around and at the time of my oldest son's birth, I knew what a lot of indicators meant without having to ask. The first 24 hours were very frightening. All of my other sons rallied around their brother in those first few hours and have continued to help him as best they can. He has moved into my home so that his recovery and his personal safety can be monitored. His partner is the one with a form of bipolar syndrome. Although she tries hard to do her best for their family, her own physical state as well as the normal daily demands of their two children just were too much for her to deal with. My grandchildren have spent a fair amount of time visiting and staying for sleep-overs with their Dad so that contiuity in their relationships isn't compromised.
My oldest son went back to work three days after his injuries, simply because the bills don't stop nor do creditors care when such things happen. You've heard enough of that type of story from me as I worked through my illnesses ad nauseum I know, dear diary. You have no idea how grateful I was to have you as a place to vent and work through those challenges - the ones still on-going. Because I am so challenged financially, it wasn't possible for me to help out my son and his family any other way than providing the support and sanctuary I've mentioned. My youngest son took on major roles in looking after both his brother and his children while my second son has helped extensively with the mobility problems caused by the injuries. It is the one really upsetting and challenging aspect still in my life, simply because poverty denies me the power to help my sons or even to rebuild and refurbish my home so it can be a place of sanctuary for those of my friends and family who need or want to live with me.
Anyway time to get ready for the workday - an experimental assignment. I won't be home much before midnight. I'll try to write again tomorrow to expand on my sketches on what has happened in the past three or four months. Remind me to tell you about family reunions and movies.
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