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03:02 - 21.03.08
Conjunction
Astrologically the planet Uranus is at about 19 degrees of Pisces. The Sabian (oracular) symbol for that degree of the sky is "A master instructing his pupil". It has now been three weeks in that spot conjuncting my natal moon. Conjunctions are supposed to be positive, mostly, unless taken to excess. I had known that this transit was imminent, but wondered what form it would take. So far it seems to be unexpected events occurring or ideas being presented, that cause the surfacing and release - hopefully - of long suppressed emotions.

For example, the issue of paying my bills takes me directly back to just after the boys' Dad left leaving me with no money, about $10,000 in debt and six hungry sons to feed. I had been out of the paid workforce as an at-home-mom/community volunteer for nearly 18 years - one eclipse cycle - and had to rebegin both in terms of acquiring skills and earning a fair wage. Minimum wage, my wage, at that time was $7.50 an hour and it did not allow either for paying all one's bills nor for feeding, clothing and housing that many people - not even close. At the time, I was petrified of losing my sons if I lost my housing, because that was and is how social services deals with families living in poverty in this province. Poverty is not a form of bad parenting. It is simply not having enough money to survive, thank you very much. My one goal at that time was to hang on to my home at least long enough so that the boys always had a roof over their heads. Given our climate, sleeping out under the stars just isn't optional you see. My only real advocate at that time was the banker who managed my mortgage. He didn't forgive any of the debt, but he made it possible for me to pay when I could without the boys going too hungry as a result. That is the one part that is different now - the banks don't seem willing to allow me the same breaks now. The first three years after the boy's Dad left were unbearable financially. Somehow we managed to survive, although not necessarily in approved middle class manner. All middle class really means, after all, is that one's wages and expenses are about equal. Dealing with my mortgage issue now is ironic in that my youngest son is about ready to leave the nest. I did manage to hold onto my home for the time I had wanted, but now because of a long period of ill-health causing lack of sufficient employment/wages, I am basically back at square one. I had always joked about becoming a bag lady after the boys were raised but I really didn't mean it, you know.

Add in that I just read John Grisham's book "The Street Lawyer" which deals directly with the issue of poverty and homelessness. In addition to adding to the angst of the mortgage problems with my home now, so close to paying off that mortgage, it also reminded me of all the volunteer work I did to help families struggling with poverty in my community during one of the "bust" economic cycles, as well as trying to help the large influx of refugees who arrived, basically with the clothes on their backs, mixed up with the trauma of escaping violent, bloody civil wars. I was working with Amnesty International as a volunteer and taking the Red Cross' Survivor of Torture training at the time. Some of which work included meeting with the Tibetan community as well as with very traumatized survivors of the Yugoslavian civil war, oh yes, and Rwanda. "La plus ca change la plus ca meme, eh?" (The more things change, the more they stay the same). The first quarter of the story was written a few years after the boys' Dad left and reflects exactly the conditions that existed then(and now)for many poor people in this province. What really is discouraging is that so very little has changed. Instead of blaming and punishing people for bad luck or poor timing in their choices, why not find ways to help them back on their feet. In the book there actually was redemption and restitution to those who had been wronged and survived the experience.

One of the things that exacerbated the situation here was the province closing all the residential care centers for those with mental illness and then giving those who had trouble functioning in society to begin with a monthly "living allowance" that would challenge a fully functional person to survive on - for half that month. A lot of those poor souls have spent the interim period living on the streets or in the jails - jailtime at a cost to the taxpayer of about $90,000 per person per year - when their illness overtakes them, because, of course, they can choose to buy their meds or food, but not both. Oh yes and then try to survive outside in winter conditions even as the SPCA urges pet owners to keep their pets inside because of the risk of freezing, while no such compassion is expressed or extended those who are mentally ill, those with brain injuries or brain damage due to disease or those just too poor to afford a room. Mr Grisham examines all those factors in the midst of a gripping tale of lawyerly intrigue and evil doings. I read the last three quarters of that book in one sitting, because I just couldn't put it down. Doesn't happen very often, but it really dredged up a lot of old deeply buried emotions too.

Then there was the prowler the other night triggering all those remembrances of the other break-in in my home. To say that I've been twisted up in knots and about ready to breakdown is an understatement. That astrological aspect is now separating and will release at the end of next week. However, a retrograde of Uranus will occur and return to this point again for the month of October with one more pass in direct motion - oh great - just over the Christmas holidays. Please, dear diary, remind me closer to the time to stock up on extra blood pressure meds, as well as valium - or something. Maybe by then I can create an addiction to exercise for stress relief, but my exercise routine was the first casualty in this past few weeks. Felt as though all the energy I had was sucked out of my entire body and mind. "Water the roses, not the weeds". Time for bed and dreams of roses. Good night.

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