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21:48 - 07.01.08
Prelude
I had a strange dream in which the lately departed Mr Pavarotti told me that if I sang like him, my lungs would heal much faster. That makes a lot of sense, since the percussion would loosen the phlegm from the inside of the bronchioles making coughing it out of the lungs much easier. Problem was I could barely croak out any sound. I did go to youtube and put on some of my favourite music videos to sing along with, just on the off chance.... Didn't hurt I guess. Maybe the message was actually that I should have stair climbed with his video, but, quite honestly, I didn't have the physical strength for that yesterday.

I slept until the afternoon today, retiring to bed shortly after posting to you last night. A call from my oldest son asking to visit being the motivator to get moving this afternoon. I was soaked with sweat from the fever of the night and needed to change my clothes and bedding anyway. When my oldest visited on Saturday, he inadvertantly retriggered old patterns of behaviour or interaction from when his Dad was still living here. If I showed signs of ill health, pregnancy, or any strong emotion - regardless of what it was - he would become abusive, either through omission or commission. If I was sick, for example, he would become increasingly demanding and critical. Often requiring me to do things that would make me even sicker. When I was incapable of even complying with those demands, he would take off and leave me alone with six little boys for a week or two at a time, so that it was impossible for me to get any rest or respite care. Often the only help I had would be from my Mom. When she realized I was ill she would come and look after the boys for a while so I could sleep or she would go pick up groceries so we could eat. Things like that. Of course my oldest didn't do any of that exactly, but there was a similar pattern. When he saw how increasingly sick I became during the day he brought over his children, the greater demands he made on my time even when I told him I needed to rest. He ignored his own children while he was trying to do his own tasks, set out before he arrived here. When I encouraged him to go home, he strung out the time at my home for several hours, seemingly with that same attitude his Dad always had at those times. I doubt he even realized what he was doing, since that behaviour would have seemed like a normal interaction based on his observation of his Dad's behaviour. However, it did trigger a very strong emotional reaction from me, because it brought all that old emotional distress to conscious awareness with an impact that was well out of proportion to the small similarities my son was exhibiting. Decided that there was a message there for me to deal with, so as to exorcise that old bad pattern for good.

As I was pondering that, I realized that I had allowed that pattern to extend into my worklife too. While consulting, employers would often threaten to find someone else to fill one's position if more than two days running of illness was the reason for being absent from work, for example. I would come in even when I was really sick, because I couldn't afford to lose the wage or the reference for the next job down the line, was the way I saw it. My health has become increasingly fragile as a result. Guess I should have stood up for myself a long time ago, but when you have a houseful of children depending on you it is hard to take such a huge risk. Not a rationalization, just an explanation is all. Psychologically, I was still pretty much in thrall to that old abuse pattern from the boys' Dad, I guess. Decided that the message to me now was not to allow that old pattern to re-establish itself in any new workplace I should agree to join, no matter how desperate my financial situation is - and it is quite that, now. Emailed the agency that arranged the one interview for tomorrow and asked them to please reschedule it. It seemed as though they weren't all that pleased, but then again remember that last interview I mentioned in yesterday's post. Attending an interview while sick doesn't really do one much good anyway. My youngest had made a point of giving me cab fare today thinking I was going to that job interview tomorrow. He didn't think I would manage the trip home on transit you see. I guess I look as sick as I feel. Anyway now I have two interviews on one day this week. Hopefully one will result in a job offer.

I think my oldest son must have realized that something wasn't right with the interactions on Saturday, because I don't think he really needed to come by today despite what he said about looking over some paperwork. As I noted before, I don't think there was any conscious intent to replicate his Dad's behaviour, but being the eldest he was most influenced by some of his Dad's patterns because he didn't have anyone else, on a consistent basis, to measure what was and was not "normal". We spent some time talking about it and I did explain briefly what he had triggered in me, so that he wouldn't take my reactions personally nor see me as blaming him for what occurred. At least, I hope that's what he took away from it.

My youngest had received a call form his boss late in the morning, asking him if he could come in on his day off, because they were so short of staff. My son's comment was that that was no surprise, considering how seriously working conditions had deteriorated in the past month. He said he felt sorry for his boss and was going to write to his boss' supervisors telling them what he thought about making his boss work under the terrible conditions he was faced with, as staff diminishes daily. It sounds as though something else is going on, since the excuse for the problems from senior staff is some kind of security problem. My youngest thinks the senior managers will likely fire him when they get his letter, so he is waiting for when he is offered another position - he's been applying for about a month now - before he actually sends it to them. I think because he saw what it was like for me when I was working for Elections Canada he doesn't blame his boss for his working conditions. He realizes that his boss has less control over what happens than even front line staff. I wish that someone on my staff had had enough insight to write to my bosses on my behalf, even after the fact of my riding being posted. At least it would become a matter of record and protection for me while I have been job hunting. I suggested to my son that he copy the letter to his boss. I am guessing that his boss will either be shown the door, despite it being more senior staff that are responsible for the failure of the tech support team to meet "corporate goals", or he will need to look elsewhere of his own accord before the collapse becomes inevitable. What helped me most in the months after my riding was posted was receiving calls from some of my staff and colleagues who had been placed in similar situations as employees. If my son's boss has a letter from an independent source, a subordinate, to show future employers, maybe it will make his job search easier than mine has been. My youngest explained to his boss that he had already promised his oldest brother some babysitting time so that my oldest could go into work while his partner was still at her job, but it was apparent he felt really badly for him all the same.

After my two sons left, I did get some energy back. The curtains had been partly pulled down by a combination between the cats and the Christmas decorations, so I decided I might as well wash them before rehanging them. Threw in my "sick clothes", since there was enough room in the washer for both. Caught up on dishes, litter boxes and other assorted messes. No yoga, but my diaphragm - the muscle that separates the chest cavity from the abdominal cavity - feels as though I've done one of those fitness tests that we were subjected to in high school. You know the ones where you were given a certain amount of time and told to do as many sit-ups as you could before the timer went off? I always got a gold rating, because that was a part of the training for gymnastics anyway. Still always felt pretty sore for the next few days though. Never realized that one day coughing for a few days straight would have the same effect. Who'd a thunk. I think I'll go try that stair climbing now, in case that is what the dream really meant. Good night dear diary.

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