17:07 - 01.08.07
Oranges and Lemons
The moon was a beautiful, deep shade of orange when I last posted to you, dear diary. Normally we don't see that colour here except for in the autumn or during eclipses that are at the correct angle for that coloration. Checked some of my news sources the next morning, because I did have a suspicion of the source in the atmosphere. Sure enough, there are two fairly large forest fires being fought in our neighbouring province to the west. That is the only other factor/time I've witnessed that colour here. The good news was that the ash and particulate matter must be high up in the atmosphere or breathing issues would also have arisen for those of us with canary lungs.
At that time last night, the top of my head felt as though it was going to be blown off and my brains sucked out of the skull. Our weather systems ran amok. Tornado touched down just north of the city, then the jet stream shifted so that our temperatures went from a high in the +30s C/90's F to a high of +10 C/50 F the next day. Hard on any body to deal with, but mine was already out of sorts from that excursion to the far south of the city for the job interview. It took a lot more out of me than I had expected. For one thing the drugs I am on - done today, yee haw - make one photosensitive. The written instructions even tell you not to be outside between the hours of 10 to 4 pm. The problem is if one wants to schedule an interview it would have to be for very early in the morning in order to be back inside by that time. As a result I also have a nasty sunburn now. Bleagh.
I don't know which was the greater factor or if it was the combination, but my body completely crashed yesterday. Fever, then chills and a spine that felt as though someone had lined it with crushed glass. I knew I was really retaining water because of the heat the previous three weeks and it was curious to watch how the body shed all the excess. Coming through the pores among other places. The upside was that my very sore feet were relieved, but it increased the discomfort every where else.
Could be there was a bit of a stress reaction too. Both my youngest and I had financial bloopers to deal with that day. I had finally paid up-to-date what I thought were all my bills and was feeling very proud of myself. You guessed it - I missed one and the company wants their money - now. Fair enough, but my budget is so tight that I had to work very hard to see if I could accommodate them. I can do it two payments, but that's my best option. Considering the fact that I haven't really had an income for several months, I think I'm managing very well. But it's all relative right? With the media blaring around the country that the streets of this city are paved with gold and jobs galore, there is very little patience with someone explaining that those jobs all pay much less than the cost of living. If my youngest hadn't been helping out the past couple of months, I would be in big trouble. My youngest got his shock when he opened his cell phone bill. He had signed up for a limit on time every month, so that he could predict and manage his budget. Some ace in head office lifted that limit without his knowledge or permission so that the total charge was double what he normally pays. He had also misread one of his statements on another account and had missed a deadline for another payment. Everything is manageable given time I guess, but neither company was flexible on that. As a result, after returning from my interview I was back out walking with my youngest to my bank so he could deal with the one item immediately. I handed him the cash he needed then and he reciprocated in kind the next day. Yesterday.
The one thing I did do yesterday was send out a couple more applications - I've got to keep trying don't I? - and corresponded with the one friend I had lunch with at the beginning of July. She was just checking in. She spent all that really hot month up on a ladder outside painting her home and garage. She was down because desite all that hard work and exercise she hadn't lost a pound. Like a lot of people with weight problems, she is on certain drugs that each increase one's weight. Had to say if there is an exponential effect with more than one of those types of drug prescribed. She did note that when she was overseas she dropped 10 pounds in about 6 weeks with no effort. I speculated that maybe the radical shift in time zones had tricked her body's biorhythms into resetting the basal metabolic rate back to what she would be normally without all the chemicals being poured into her system. If that was the case, then using full spectrum lights in a manner similar to helping people deal with jet lag might be a non-invasive treatment. Couldn't hurt to try running some experiments could it?
I was going to write an essay on hope, but I am quickly losing mine. Instead I thought I'd tell you a story one of my family members told me. Their older cat was starting to slow down. Slept all day and moped about. Started getting sick and that frequency increased over time. The last bout of illness convinced the family member that they should euthanize the cat "for it's own good". A friend and the family member devised a plan to do it by themselves, but found that they couldn't follow through when the time came. Next step was to go to the vet's for that service. Before that happened, one of their children arrived home from school one day carrying a very small kitten. No owner could be found and the child was finally given permission to keep it. The change in the older cat was radical. It was now playing and caring for that baby. No more moping and no more sickness. The older cat just needed a companion of it's own kind and was fading away with grief before. I am hoping that maybe if I remind my family member of that story, that maybe they will stop trying to impose their inaccurate definition of my "problems" and their resulting destructive solution on me. I hope I'm of a little more value to them than their cat. Before one gets carried away though, dear diary, I would like to point out that I also do not want or need another child, companion or significant other. I just want to be accepted and respected for what I am and not treated as a second class citizen of the family. Quite honestly if things don't change, then the only solution I can see is to end the relationship - although not as drastically as using euthanasia. I have enough stresses on me now, that I can't accommodate any more silliness from any family member either about me or my youngest son. "You make that boy...". Well yes that boy is the only one who has stood by me, especially the past couple of years when they were noticeably absent. As I've noted, benign neglect is much easier to cope with than aggressive insertion of their prejudices and stereotypes on me just to ease their conscience or cover up whatever it is some of them are trying to hide. It would also help to understand that last issue, but I'll settle for a total retreat right now.
Anyway my arm hurts and I need to send out more resumes. Talk with you later.
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