01:27 - 22.06.07
Re-cycle
Happy solstice everyone. It was fittingly hot here, with temperatures in the high 80's F or close to 30 C. Well hot for around these parts ya'll. Did you remember to make a wish as summer made her annual debut, dear diary?
My one big wish was for the repatriation of all the refugees in the world in a manner that allows everyone to share freely in the community to which they belong. That might not seem all that important, but if so many people are left to feel that they have nothing to lose then the roots of terrorism aren't all that hard to understand now are they? Are we not our brothers' keepers. Why else have we been granted all the wonderful advantages we enjoy. I would rather sacrifice the material resources we have than the lives of our young adults to war, wouldn't you?
"Whatsoever ye do unto the least of these, so you do unto me". You can tell the type of material I am reading right now, hey dear diary. I used to read my Bible cover to cover at least once a year, but that had some very strange effects over time and I found that it was prudent not to read it so frequently. Besides that, it really upsets me when I hear people quoting it to justify unkind or destructive behaviour. I don't want to ever find I slip up in error and cause someone harm. Without intention, of course.
There was an odd period today, dear diary. I had woken up from a nightmare about the boys' Dad - he was attacking me again and he was really angry. It seemed as though he was using every means available to tear down all that I had managed to achieve since he left and to strip away any ground I had gained. He had managed to convince one of my younger sons that it was justified, because that one son still wants to believe his Dad can become the hero he wanted as a child. It was just very sad and it hurt too. I started doing physical work to shut it out and then had a nap once I felt safer. When I woke up it was with a very deep sense of peace and calmness that seemed impermeable to any outside influence. It felt as though some decision had been taken and the end of that cycle was finally over. I actually wondered if I was dead for a time, because there was a such a profound stillness all around. Even though it was the middle of the morning and the regular bustle of an urban community was obviously continuing on apace, I could hear none of it. It was as though I had slipped into a deep meditative state - trancelike. Just very strange. I guess that letter from the bank might have triggered the nightmare. The prayers must have brought on the peace. Lucky no one has tried to patent prayers yet, eh?
A letter arrived for my youngest today from the driver training outfit. Just giving the details about the agreement he entered and what to expect during both the classroom and the driving work. Something to look forward to for certain. He stopped at one hardware store one his way home from work and found the tubing we need for the washing machine. At least I hope so. A call from his buddy had him dashing out the door almost as soon as he arrived from that excursion. Another package had arrived in the mail detailing all the Stampede activity scheduled in just a couple of weeks. The two went bowling and probably had a planning session with respect to how to catch all the features they enjoy at our regular Stampede next month. Over a ten day period there are a lot of really great activities for young adults, from rock concerts to midway rides and on to the fireworks and the carnival games. They have been taking in the sights together for many years and it always seems they pick the hottest days of the entire event to go play.
I received a very nice response from one enterprise that was advertising for volunteer help today. It won't pay the bills, but it gives me a valid reason to do even more research on the internet and to build another set of skills that might be useful for paid work later. The best part about it is it would allow me to help people find information they need. Chances are I will learn a great deal myself just by helping out. I also received a couple of job postings that are quite different in their purpose, but use the same skill sets that I have developed over the past decade. I'm not certain if the HR people will focus on the required tasks instead of the job titles I've had so I'll have to rewrite my resume completely to highlight the work I've done that is relevant instead. At least it is in an industry where one's practical experience is valued. Leap of faith, but why not try?
As I was working through the day, that voice of self examination and self criticism was pretty loud too notwithstanding the earlier period of tranquillity. Reflection is always important, but it can also drive one crazy. Shoulda, coulda, woulda don't really move anything forward in one's life. If you start questioning all your perceptions and beliefs about what occurred, you can become paralyzed with wondering if what you thought was the truth wasn't. That letter from the bank again I guess, casting shadows. It is helpful when one can reinterpret incidents so they don't seem so negative I suppose. For example, today the neighbour on the west side was working on their yard. I heard something odd and checked to see what he was up to. Turned out he was very carefully trimming the hedge that I planted years ago. The difference from other years and other neighbours was that he was being very restrained and careful about what he cut. Some of the other neighbours have had the slash and burn approach and so I get quite nervous when anyone comes near my plants. It has taken me decades to get them to the state they are now, after all. However, if one expects something to always play out the same way then one closes down the opportunity for something new to happen by not being open to changes in that behaviour or patient enough to allow each incident to unfold without pre-judging the outcome. The lesson for me today was to hope that maybe these neighbours will turn out to be good ones just like the neighbours I have across the back alley and across the street too. After an entire Saturn cycle in this home maybe things can change for the better. That could be a solstice wish too I think.
Enough psychobabble for tonight though. Dawn will be here soon. Good night dear diary.
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