01:45 - 21.03.07
confusticate and bebother
My sister's sister-in-law and I have been emailing back and forth as thoughts about the recent spate of the rather unusual clustering of a number of astrological aspects has manifested. We both feel as though someone has nailed our toes to the ground so that no matter how hard we try, it seems as though we just can't get what we think we need to do done. Part of that for me could be attributed to Mr Saturn sitting in square or opposition to some of my key natal planets. Feels like someone pulled the plug and let all the energy out of my physical and etheric bodies. My youngest just started antibiotics today and he was commmenting on how weak and exhausted they made him feel. That's the kind of feeling I've had for over a year now.
The other wet blanket in the sky is that once-in-35 year phenomenon - that Saturn/Neptune oppositon. Everyday, especially since the end of February, I have gotten up in the morning castigating myself for not achieving the goals I've set for myself. The truth is, though, that I have been working away at a lot of things but I don't seem to be getting anywhere nor do the results of my work show up as anything tangible. I am trying, but in our society only what you can show in a material sense matters as far as most people are concerned. At least that is how value is conveyed in most media we tune into. Those images of "success" tend to be like an alkali eating away at our sense of self worth imperceptibly. That was brought strongly into focus with my sister's sister-in-law's last response to me. I had shared my musings in my February 25 post about the years 1971 and 1972 as a point for discussion when next we talk by phone. I thought we could look at the lessons then and apply them somehow to the present. Her response was so full of self-loathing as she recounted her life at that time that it threw me for a loop. It also triggered a major insight into why she constantly self-sabotages herself now. She is still trying to pay back what she feels she owes society for a transgression she did then. Was it serious? Not by today's standards, at least not by her description of it. Yet at the same time, she has never forgiven herself for making an error in judgement. Sort of like my comment about me being dumb enough to get married not long after the last aspect in 1972. I have never forgiven myself for backing down on getting my degree before marrying, because I know that I partly chose to do that so as to avoid becoming that independent adult out in the world by myself. It didn't dawn on me that being at university meant I had already arrived at that point. I have felt unworthy to share in the rewards of adult/workplace life in a weird sort of way because of that choice. My inner conflict has shown up in some very painful ways when I've tried to claim my place that I have earned. The last has been the posting of my electoral district. On an inner level I seem to still be afraid to be successful. That does and doesn't make any sense, since it also seems to be an external opposing force doing the sabotage. That's a Zen question. Anyway my sister's sister-in-law has also been engaging in self flagellation on an inner level so much so over the past 35 years that she can't succeed even when every indication is that there is no way to hold her back. Confusing right?
A physical demonstration of the issues I am talking about: for example, I received a call from Elections Canada almost two weeks ago telling me to find a delivery service to send the office supplies I still have over to the new Returning Officer. When I asked about the regular method of delivery, I was told that they would prefer not to use Canada Post. Fine. My number three son said he would do it because he has a van, but that it would have to be on a day when he wasn't working either of the two jobs he now has. He hasn't had a free day since and the shifts he works are extended, because there is still such a labour shortage here. I had offered to purchase the computer - which I was told later was being sent to the landfill in Ottawa, our taxpayer dollars at work - and printer, but was told another courier would be picking those up in special boxes. I hadn't heard anything more about either issue. Until today that is. Now all the arrangements have seemed to have been changed and there is an air of urgency in the voicemail that was left for me. When I called back - after their regular work hours - it sounded as though they are expecting an election call within days. Yes well. I thought I had the time to work at my son's pace. When I asked, during that first call, about payment for out time to pack and sort I was told my son would be compensated but that I would not, you see. As Elections Canada is no longer my employer and isn't paying me for this work either, I feel I should be able to at least decide when the transfer will work best for me. Apparently not. Truth is I want all of the stuff out of my home because it is a negative reminder of what I feel I've been forced to give up against my will and it also occupies about one third of the space in my home meaning I don't have the physical room I need to continue moving forward working on other projects I have in progress. Caught between two different imperatives, but who is causing the problem. Is it my inner reluctance to let go of the job - even though I have had no say in that decision, or is there an external force that is irresistable in moving to another reality. I don't know. I will be very glad when July comes and the Saturn/Neptune sledgehammer is a story of the past. Bleagh. Good night dear diary.
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