23:39 - 17.03.07
Choices
Thank goodness you're back, dear diary. Just as I was finished posting to you at midnight on the 15th, something really wonky happened. I surfed over to my favorite astrologer's website so I could catch the newest weekly scope. It's one of the treats I allow myself and it isn't even as fattening as chocolate. Much to my dismay, I found a lecture waiting for those of my sun sign. In sum, "quit whining or you will be mocked". I was mindful of the fact that I had just whined a lot in my previous two posts to you. Like just about everyone else I know, it has been a stressful few months for me. I've tried not to let that dominate my comments to you, but some days it just needed to be expressed. As I've mentioned before, I choose to confide in your electrons because that way no toxic energy is loosed on unsuspecting friends or acquaintances. I've blocked the searchability of this blog, so that one can only find it if they already know it exists. Wrestle the words to the page said my guru, the astrologer. Therapy in electronic form. Imagine then my dismay, when I decided to act on his advice immediately by cleaning up the amount of moaning in your hallowed pages. I love the Moaning Myrtle character in the Harry Potter books - especially the bath scene -, but I don't want to become her.
I tried logging into Diaryland, but found a message from a group called Network Solutions stating that the Diaryland website no longer existed. This new entity had now become the owner of that particular domain name. Even worse was the realization that I had not backed up my writing for the past few months. Oh no! I tried several alternate access points to enter the site, including google. I sent an e-mail to the help desk at Diaryland letting them know what I was seeing. Nothing worked. I returned to my hero's website, because there is a link to me. Imagine my surprise when I found I could at least access my posts through that link. As a result, I managed to save the posts - one by one - missing from my last backup. Although it might not matter to anyone but me, I was very grateful for the timely heads up in that scope and the resultant reward, when I followed the hunch that arose from it. So there you go, I was no longer whiny and I was fervently counting my blessings because of that lecture. I tried reconnecting with Diaryland on Friday with no success and was trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I might never visit your pages again. Then a random click of my mouse opened up my last entry. Counting my blessings indeed. I promise to back you up faithfully here on in, dear diary.
My youngest has been hanging out at his buddy's place after work these past few evenings. The young men like to play night-long two-player video games. Could be worse, they could be playing something like poker for money - right? His friend's mom has a very low opinion of gamers and won't allow her son to do so while she is around. She was out of town until tonight, so the two lads took it upon themselves to get their players' fix while they could. His siblings were home, so I know there was no partying. However, my youngest is now really feeling the effects of burning that candle at both ends. He seems to have been doing that through one or another of his activities ever since he came back from Ohio. I think it is his way of processing all the new and unusual experiences (for him) that occurred over the period of his visit.
My oldest son came by early yesterday and slept for the day. Things aren't good at home and he was exhausted. He and my youngest went back to his home today and things seemed to have righted themselves now. Thank goodness.
My sister's sister-in-law wrote to say she was really struggling with the surfacing of a lot of old psychological and emotional traumas too. Just seems to be the way of the world right now. Maybe the solar eclipse tomorrow night plus tomorrow morning's occultation of the Planet Pluto by a star in Sagittarius will help ease things a bit. The Sabian symbol for the eclipse position at 28 degrees of Pisces is " A full moon. Under it is a ripe garden ready to harvest." Time to reap what we have sown the past year or two. I think the problem for a lot of people is, that as they are being required to let go of things that they see as essential parts of their own being - people, places, beliefs, jobs, practices -, it is difficult to see any possibility of reaping the rewards that come of that release. Maybe the answer to their question is that they can only reap those rewards if they let go - one needs an open (empty) hand to receive you see. Besides that nature abhors a vaccuum. If one releases and empties out the old patterns that no longer serve one, it stands to reason that new and maybe even better choices will start to appear.
The most difficult choice may be the Schroedinger's cat conundrum. Until that box is open the cat can be both alive and dead as well as several conditions in between. Once one opens the box a certain way, then one is committed to the result that shows up in the box. I guess one could always just shut the lid and hope for a different outcome next time one checks, if the first result isn't what you'd hoped it would be. After the pain of having to let go, most people are wary of committing themselves to something else that will also have to be let go in time. What I am finding difficult is dealing with the freedom to choose again. Dumb eh? But now that I don't have to live within the boundaries of the electoral district I administered, and now that I can choose work that doesn't need to be flexible for the election assignments and execution, what is it I want to do and where do I really want to live. My youngest has been considering moving to the US. I pointed out all the reasons why he will find it difficult to gain permission, but he has more courage than me I guess. I'm waffling over whether I can manage a move outside the city or the province to where the economy isn't so inflated. Moving to another country is just a little more than I am able to take in. On the other hand visiting a many as possible would be a great treat as far as I am concerned. I'm also wanting to do work that is more satisfying by helping to build a healthier society. Things of a spiritual or philosophical nature hold much more appeal for me now. At the same time the sciences and the regulatory work I did are things that I would truly miss. Won't miss any of the politics in it though. What to do and how to live the rest of my life in a way that honours my values? Maybe I'll think about that after the eclipse.
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