02:06 - 12.10.06
Resolution to revolution
The Dalai Lama said that true generosity is giving what is needed. Sounds simple, but the interpretation could trip one up. What is a need and according to whom, are the first two questions. Going back to the discussion about finding a counsellor, not everyone has the same values and goals, nor does everyone choose to walk on the same life path. That is good, because the divine obviously loved and loves diversity. Look at flowers and birds for proof. If you give someone dance lessons when what they burn to do is paint, or offer them courses in accounting when their aptitude is for philosophy or quantum mechanics, what does that mean? The gesture is still generous, but it isn't appropriate to the need of the recipient. Only they can discern what purposes were enfolded in their soul before they were born. Giving someone what you would want to the detriment of what they need is not generous,it is actually harmful.
I called number four son today to let him know that one of my sisters had left her gift for their new baby with me at the Thanksgiving dinner on Monday. I asked him what was new. His rather harried response was that they were going on a cruise next month. Now they have a lot of debt to deal with already what with moving in together, getting married and having a baby all within the past year. My son's newest job pays reasonable well, but they still have to be very careful with their money. He went on to say that his wife's father had stated that he had been planning to have this family cruise with all his children for a long time and was set on the two of them being on that cruise too. That is nice that he included them in his plans, but he knows full well that they can't afford to take on more debt. Even though he told them that they could pay him back as they could afford to, the burden of obligation becomes very high. My son is the only one working right now, although his wife does get partial payment of her salary while she is on maternity leave. Would it have hurt her father to wait for maybe a year until they could get back on their feet - at least until they have a safer income to debt ratio. Why would he demand their presence when their son will be less than two months old even when they return. How are they supposed to enjoy such a wonderful vacation with the two other factors over-shadowing the excursion. It isn't that the idea isn't a good one, but the timing and the amount of money demanded of them in such a short period of time is not a kindness. My son only really knew of it since after his new son was born from the sounds of it.
I reacted fairly strongly to the news - not out loud but internally - because I had found myself put in the same position when I was pregnant with number six son. At the time, the boy's Dad had not been paying bills because of his "other priorities". I had an open wound in my uterus from prior to conception. I was hemhorraging from the pregnancy, as well as still bleeding from the torn womb. Every visit to my doctor included him saying "when you lose this baby", which caused me additional emotional turmoil. I obviously knew that having another child was not a good idea and had already tried to find a way to leave the marriage and still be able to keep the boys and myself together as a family prior to the physical injury. The pregnancy had not been voluntary either. I had just had surgery to try and fix the damage to my womb, but my ex would not accept that he should abstain. His right, don't you know. My grandfather had died right around the time the damage to my womb occurred. When my Mom received her share of his estate she was extremely emotional about it of course. She said that one of his wishes was that some of that money go to sending my family to Disneyland. I love Disneyland, but that was not the issue. However, when my mom was in an emotional state it wasn't possible to reason with her and I wasn't in any shape to really try to protest even weakly. Between the mortgage and bills being in arrears, the illnes and the pregnancy, the last thing that was safe for me to do was to get on an airplane with five little boys between the ages of 2 to 11 and one surly spouse. My doctor was appalled and asked me what I planned to do if I went into labour. "Get back on a plane for home". Medical expense in the US even then were well beyond our ability to pay of course. However, my spouse not only didn't back me up he took the money that should have gone to at least pay that month's mortgage and bills and we were bound for Disneyland shortly after. Again the intent was more than generous, but the fact was the damage to my health then was extensive and it took several years before I began to feel human even after the birth of my youngest. The womb did not heal because of the prenancy, the extra stress of the travel and a full time job that I came back to after the trip trying to find a means to make up for the money that the ex felt was necessary to spend in addition to the plane tickets. I think our debt load increased by another $2000 then you see. In addition to the existing debt load, the amount of money we owed was overwhelming - at least to me. I know it sounds horribly ungrateful on my part, and I do feel guilty for how I feel, but the boys and I needed food and clothing first. The trip came at the expense of meeting basic needs. I can't say that I enjoyed much of it, although I tried to be excited for my sons'sake.
The end result today was that I told number four son that I would use my loyalty points to at least secure their airplane tickets. It set me back quite a bit and I think that my trip to Egypt might be a longer time coming than I had hoped, but I don't want to see them go through the same sort of turmoil that I did. Moving out of home, getting married, starting a new job, and having a baby are all considered a significant stressor when only one happens in a year. They have had to work around all four factors in less than a year. It may not show up in the immediate future, but there will likely be some emotional reaction to it when another trigger point comes along and the timing is bad. It made me feel good that I could at least help out a little bit and in some ways it helped heal some of the pain I still feel about that year when my youngest was born. Melodramatic as it sounds, it was as though someone stole part of the purpose wrapped up in my soul and I haven't really resolved those feelings even now. Whine with cheese I know. I have six wonderful young men, some great daughter-in-laws and truly beautiful grandchildren. The blessing in being sick this year and only having one job is that I have been gifted with the opportunity to help each one of them through a transition or rough patch in that time. Something that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. Maybe I should see that reality as the salve to apply to that woundedness that occurred 18 years ago. That damage then seems to be presenting itself in another form through the current circumstances in a way so that the spiral moves with healing from that one level of experience to the same place in time and space to the next turn of the wheel - at least in a quantum sense, if that makes any sense at all. Resolution I guess.
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