14:30 - 12.07.06
track record
It seemed to be one of those days when each task or idea that came up for consideration or action was blocked by some act of fickle nature. I had scheduled two afternoon appointments with respect to getting work and that was the only priority I had for the day.
Woke up early to get my young men off to work and realized that the cramping in my stomach was not a good sign. It got worse, with nausea added in, instead of better as I saw my guys out the door. Rather than call and cancel the afternoon meetings, I decided to try sleeping a bit longer instead of tackling some housework that had beckoned. By 11 am I was feeling well enough to eat something light, so travelling downtown seemed to be a go.
I had been fussing in my mind about what to wear, since the two appointments had very different focusses and purposes. One demanded a casual and maybe even flamboyant - for me - presentation, while the other was an interview for a very buttoned down position. Add in hot weather and travel by bus and train. Any changes to clothing in between would have to be ones that could be effected in a public washroom cubicle with materials carried from home. It isn't a good idea to walk into interviews with backpacks. Usually I all allow myself is my purse and my leather portfolio so that any paperwork I need isn't lost or crumpled. Since the first appointment was the flamboyant one, I decided to just pack a change of footwear and a package of pantyhose in a small bookbag that could also contain my purse. The cats have learned how to distinguish the length of my absence from home by the clothes I choose to wear. They did everything in their considerable repertoire of diversionery tactics to try and dissuade me from leaving them for the day. I was caught between guilt for making them feel abandoned and frustration as I was trying to hurry to catch the one bus that would allow me the travel time I needed to ensure I was early for my appointments. Lucky for me that I'd prepared all my clothes and paperwork the night before, eh?
Hopped on the bus feeling rather good, wearing that new dress I had bought on sale at the Canada Day celebrations. It was feminine and lacy, but subtle in it's construction. Wore a black jacket to top it off for interview number two, since the dress allowed a little more cleavage to show than was standard for the button down office, but was well within range for the first appointment. The train at the station pulled out just as we got to the platform. The one good thing about the Stampede though is that train service is a little more frequent, so the wait in between wasn't excessive. However, got across the river to the outskirts of the downtown and the train stopped immediately. The announcement - the train just in front of us in queue had broken down. Advice - if your destination is close better walk, but if you have to travel a long distance be prepared for a loooong wait. There were emergency sirens just up ahead to underline that assessment. If I had made the previous train it wouldn't have been an issue, but no use fussing ove what can't be changed, right? Normally the transit drivers don't encourage people travelling on to walk, instead of wait to ride when their mechanics have worked their magic. That in itself also seemed to indicate that even though I had to go 20 blocks further on foot it was likely the only way I was going to get to that first appointment. By the time I was halfway there, walking fast but trying not to end up with sweat stained clothes, I realized there was no way I would be on time for that appointment. Called their offices and explained my dilemma. No problem, we'll expect you in 20 minutes and fit you in immediately.
Whew. True to their word I was greeted and ushered into their meeting room immediately. The purpose of the visit was just to have updated photos of my profile and one from the waist up for the casting agency's web-recruitment site. My hair was still in a ponytail because it had been wet when I left home. I had intended to comb it out and fix any other flaws when I arrived, since I had given myself enough travel time - I thought - to tidy up and preen before going in to their office. The gentleman - Dominic - was very kind and said he preferred my hair as it was. Bonus. I was still so sun/heat addled I was using my baby wipes to swab off the sheen and the sweat instead of fully listening and responding to his directions for the pose he wanted. Not good when one of the things looked for is the ability to follow direction quickly and thoroughly. Did the best I could though. He expressed satisfaction with the photos and stated that they were far superior to the one they had of me from last year. He turned the computer monitor so I could see the difference. I just responded that I had been very ill at the time that photo had been taken - the bout of pneumonia in May - and that that was how I had looked. In fact at that time that photo was actually much better than I really looked. He acted quite startled, but just said they would call me if something came up that suited my profile. Fair game.
The session was over very quickly and I was out the door hustling back toward the starting point of the walk through downtown. You see the second interview was where we had been told to get off the train to begin with. Sigh. As I walked I ruminated about the session. I felt good because it is sometimes hard to know if ones body image is accurate. Since that bout with congestive heart failure over four years ago and the relapses in my physical healing it has been difficult to know if I was really seeing my self accurately. The only measure I had that felt objective was how and which clothes fit me at any given time and how much energy I could muster at any given moment. I couldn't even gauge weight any other way. The reflection I got back, based on the size of the new dress and the photographer's comments, was that I had made some steady progress in my attempt to get back to my original size and shape. When I was feeling really frustrated and impatient with myself last year, trying to push the body to do things it obviously couldn't, I kept reminding myself that I could force the weight loss and reshaping of the figure but only if I was willing to risk the absolute weight loss solution. You know, the cremation and ashes route. The one thing that a fairly athletic past as a young adult and the training and work experience I had of a medical nature gave me was a pretty accurate knowledge of how far I could push the body before it cratered completely on me.
I was thinking too, of a couple of news specials that had been run recently either on air or in print through the Canadian media. Both were about women, like me, who had had medical problems that meant their physical presence changed radically while the means to regain that image was blocked by poor health, fatigue and a very weak and fragile body. One woman had been a marathoner and triathlete but was brain-injured in a car accident. She was told to forget her former athletic life by attending medical personnel. She said that depressed her so badly that she wanted to die. She decided that she would simply start training again and do the best she could with what was left to her. Several years later she is now competing in regular events again, but she still uses her walker during the events. She laughed as she acknowledged that she always comes in dead last these days, but noted that she is only competing against herself now. Each event she feels she has suceeded as long as she can do a little better than her last milestone. Ditto for the woman from North America who just competed in the world belly dance competition in Egypt. She had been athletic too until severe damage to one knee removed that lifestyle from her options too. She took up belly dancing as one of the few replacement appealing activities she could do without re-injuring herself. Two years later her body is quite a bit rounder and softer (flabby if you will) than her earlier photos, but her dance technique was good enough to earn her honors in the competition. It isn't from lack of trying that her silhouette isn't what it once was. In fact she is likely putting in even more effort than when she was very athletic and whole-bodied. Even so she and the other woman are still judged as lacking or lazy or less able by a lot of our society, because they still don't fit that fashion industry stereotype that seems to be the only standard a lot of society has for "assessing" competence, ability and beauty. Shallow aren't we. Those two women have probably shown more grit and stamina and self determination than most of the rest of society will ever muster and which most wouldn't even try to attain. As one who has worked in physical rehabilitation, I do appreciate how hard they have had to to work to get where they are now. Can't touch them - most of us. I wonder when our North American culture is ever going to grow out of it's early adolescence and act like fully fetched up adults. Not any time soon, if the commentary on the Devil Wears Prada movie is anything to go by. Not that I've actually seen the movie or read the book but I guess I'm allowed to be shallow and uninformed once in a while too.
Arrived at the next interview and buzzed into the powder room to change shoes and wash off some of the sweat/dust from the second journey of the afternoon. Checked in at reception and made it up to the correct floor - 5 minutes late. Fortunately for me, the interview of the previous applicant went over by 8 minutes. The good thing was that I had no time to get nervous or start second guessing myself even before I got into the session. Two interviewers - one from human resources and the woman who would be my supervisor if hired. My interview went almost double what was anticipated and I was asked to provide my references at the end of it. Good sign I guess. It was one of those behavioural assessment interviews. The past behaviour predicts future actions. Bleagh. Well yes, but think again about the stories of the two ladies above. Sometimes people change radically. Sometimes a previous job may have not allowed an applicant to show or use excellent skills or attributes they have. No assessment is ever thoroughly fair, but I guess it is difficult to know what will best meet the needs of the organization. Sometimes after hiring and training some of my election staff I feel like doing a Hail Mary just for added support, too.
Because that interview ran so late it meant that I was leaving downtown during rush hour - during Stampede to boot. It was still really hot and muggy and fellow travellers showed that nearly comatose, slightly crabby demeanor that goes with that kind of weather. I was busy thinking through and de-stressing from the last interview, so I fit right in. Got halfway home on the train and decided to call my youngest. He was just getting off work. Arranged to meet him at the grocery store, since I was afraid that if I went home I wouldn't find the energy to turn around and go back out for shopping even though the cupboard, and the pocket book, were both quite bare. Remember I had started out the day feeling really sick. Got our shopping completed, arrived home and got the groceries away by 7 pm. As I mentioned last night in my abbreviated post, I spent the balance of the evening wrestling with this computer trying to get it to work - it's virused somehow but all my anti-virus and other filters just aren't completely removing whatever is causing the problem. Try again this evening I guess.
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