00:15 - 13.04.06
mothering
I've had a "mother-in-law" day. Definition: same as parent of adult child in trouble, but doubled because it is their significant others coming to you for advice/succour/mediation. After some consideration I decided the solution should be the same, but doubled. In otherwords, bite your tongue, bite it hard. Do not under any circumstances open your mouth. Well at least not much.
One daughter in law called another to organize what she thought was a favour. The other daughter in law didn't have the same perception of the situation. Not a big deal talk it out. However, that's tough to do when feelings are already hurt. Now I only heard one side of the story and I wasn't about to call the other participant and ask for their account. I'm their mother-in-law - not mother - remember. Now unfortunately neither of their mothers are in their lives - not accessible for reasons that are very sad. I appreciate being held as the surrogate, but therein lies major trouble down the road. Right now I have only three daughters-in-law to deal with and this is a one off situation. What happens if, and when, there are six and it is a several person scrap or worse yet one of those take sides "or you're the enemy" things. Setting myself up for way too much grief down the road to take the referee position. One on one about things only relating to one individual - that maybe, on a case by case basis. I suppose Matriarch has a nice ring to it, but that sword cuts both ways. I don't want that kind of power. Some days I have enough trouble making certain my actions are squeaky clean. Although I didn't involve myself directly, I did opine to the one daughter who did call that it sounded as though there had been a "failure to communicate". I also pointed out that using the words "in my culture.." really wasn't going to wash since both are from non-dominant ones. Respect should be equally afforded to all participants regardless of origin,right? "Power over" statements like that, stemming from a perceived moral imperative, just doesn't compute. Each comes from a very different background and two almost polar opposite childhoods. They likely weren't even talking to each other in the same paradigm, let alone the same room. Sometimes no facial cues or body language short circuit the subtler nuances of the message too. I think the intent was loving and meant to be a reaching out, but the other daughter is under a lot of stress and change. Someone else asking to be included in the picture or in that scheduling right now might just be the last straw in the whole of her balancing act tipping over. Been there myself, especially as a single parent.
Sometimes someone else's big favour becomes an overwhelming burden. Say for example someone gives you a car at a "steal of a deal". Well that is very knid, but in our city that means licence and registration and insurance payments within a very short period of time. If one's budget is already screaming "uncle" how do you deal with it? Do you take food out of your children's mouth and miss your mortgage payments in order to meet the legal requirements or risk the fines that come from not doing it because you can't? Adds up to the same thing in the end. Then add in the fact that one must have a provincial inspection of the vehicle for road worthiness at one's own expense plus be able to have anything that requires repair or replacement done before one can even turn on the ignition. Finally there are the actual operating costs. Gas in this producing province is now costing over a dollar a litre - or four bucks a gallon, y'all. The original intention of the person providing you with the gift was obviously more than kind. But what, for example, happens if that also occurs just as you lose your job and it is a slow economy. All of a sudden it has gone from inconvenient to a situation that could put you behind the eight ball for a decade as you dig yourself out of each one of those holes. Some people who are living on the streets now - even in this very wealthy city - will tell you stories very similar abot their descent into extreme poverty. The circumstances are always unique but the result is the same. What irritates me sometimes are the "working in the office" people who demean or actually assault those down on their luck. If they found themselves in the same circumstances - how well would they actually fare. Most would probably do worse. One of the support agencies here actually developed a boardgame - sort of like monopoly or careers - that provided players with an idea of how people find themselves in the circumstances that no rational person would choose. They tried taking it into the offices of corporations and law makers to share the experience with them vicariously. Apparently it was not well received. Hard to talk about "them" as somehow lesser than you when you find you can't fix the game in your own favour isn't it?
Anyway today was mostly working on election finances - "we lost a bunch of invoices". No problem there except that I still haven't located the all the boxes where the different files are kept. It seems a little bit was lost from a wide range of categories. At the end of the event and our shut down phase we are required by the Treasury Board Regulations to send in all originals of all our paperwork. Fine. It only takes one event to learn that one always keeps copies of everything. Why? Because the one thing you don't copy is the one thing that will be lost somewhere in transit. What was nice this time was that at least the conversation started out as "We lost..." rather than "You failed to send in...". It's just in the delivery you see. There is no doubt that given the thousands of pages of documentation I am required to submit each election (government paperwork remember) that there is a reasonable chance that I'll miss a piece of paper somewhere. However, whole files of stuff is different. I can empathize with the financial staff at headquarters where they have to deal with my paperwork times 308 electoral districts, plus tardy invoicing from suppliers and service providers. Apparently in the fax room it can look as though one would need hip waders to get to the other side if the paper was water instead. I don't mind working with headquarters staff as part of their team. I like the nurturer/supporter role after all. What I resent is being left as the fall guy when things go awry. My motto when the boys were small was "don't cry over spilt milk - wipe it up, then get another cup". Ditto for work.
Received several calls from elsewhere today too. Several for my son. The one that was most uplifting was from the agency that is sending him out on assignments right now. Apparently the references given for him were "excellent". After years of the verbal abuse and bullying he received in school hearing nothing but praise from his current peers and supervisors is really rebuilding his sense of self worth. It was never him that was the problem but he was too young to realize that at the time. I always have the feeling that the person who feels it is important to cut down the people around them is trying to hide their own inadequacies or wrong-doing by directing everyone's negative attention to someone who won't or can't fight back. I wonder why as a society we always seem to let them get away with that. Don't we have any guts or sense of fairness left? I know enlightenment comes from lighting one candle at a time. Start with one's own face in the mirror I guess.
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