20:56 - 05.02.06
processors
First weekend off in over six or seven months. Lucky I didn't know I would be working 12 to 16 hours days nearly non-stop from then to now, at that time. I likely would have run screaming from the nightmare. Yesterday was odd. Slept a lot of course. A call from the one candidate's rep about settling up some financial paperwork. He was very kind when I explained why I wasn't available to see him this weekend. I just need sleep and some downtime - then I'll be better I promise. I spent several hours pulling the relevant information from your posts, dear diary, to create my Official Report of Proceedings for the election. Not the multiple choice "lets stack the statistics" one head office forces us to fill out, but the real one. Between September and mid-January that fills 73 pages of Roman type, size 11 font, no pictures, no double spacing and nothing but paragraph breaks as filler. I still have to edit the manuscript from the break-in in early December and add in the additional days up to closing out. Some of that hasn't even occurred yet, so of course I can't write about it. That was one of the most galling questions of the "survey says" paperwork. Did your closing out service providers do a good job. Good question - I won't know until they actually do that for me.
The editing was useful, in that it allowed a certain amount of debriefing to occur. However it also dredged up some pretty strong emotional reponses to some of the abuse I received at the hands of some of the political hacks, a few bureaucrats and some of the less educated members of the public. As one of my staff said "What happened to basic good manners". At a guess I would say some people never had them. We aren't talking about children or New Canadians either, who might be assumed to be the issue. These were fully fetched up, middle-aged church going and supposedly god-fearing citizens who obviously never heard the "do unto others" part of the gospel. I had my photo of the Dalai Lama sitting in my top drawer in my desk - the one that the gentle man from the Tibetan store had given to me last June - and I kept trying to remind myself about the teaching of "loving kindness" as a daily practice. I must admit somedays it just engendered guilt, as I knew I hadn't succeeded in reaching that goal when working with some of the worst offenders. They are probably the ones that need that response the most too. Guess I have a bit of a way to go yet. Sigh.
One nice surprise this weekend was that a couple of readers filled out my Diaryland g'day survey. I'd even forgotten about setting that up some time last year. It is amazing how different the answers were from each of the respondents now and from the ones before. What is equally interesting is how similar in thought process or attitude some part of each survey respondent was to my own, each in a different way, and how very different too. I liked the dream sequence related in one and the self analysis in the other. It would be cool to meet the other diaryland people who interact with one over time. Maybe that can be a contest prize one time. "meet your compadres".
The rest of my time this weekend has been split between catching up on correspondence with my e-friends and processing some of the stress making iincidents/issuess that happened during the electoral preparation and execution period. My finance officer emailed and invited me to join her to watch her daughter's acting debut at the university sometime around Valentine's Day. Her hubby is working the night shift and can't go, so she was hoping she could find someone to go with her instead. I haven't been to see a live play in a very long time - the last one was at Stage West and was a really enjoyable rendition of Sister Act - loved the music, as well as the comedy. I have no idea what the theme or story line of this play is, but I'm certain I'll enjoy it all the same just watching budding new talent try their wings. Talked with one sister. My sibs are a bit annoyed with me because I couldn't see them over the period of the election - including Christmas Day - as you recall, but then again I wasn't able to see sons or grandbabies either. Also talked with my oldest about that, since he wants to brings his two children over for a visit. I really want to reestablish those ties because my grandchildren are a hoot, but I had to beg off for this weekend. I need the time for my mental, physical and spiritual health or I won't be any good for anybody.
For the processing part of the time I just played either free cell or mah jong on the computer and let my thoughts wander where they may. A lot of housecleaning work went on after the editing of the journal of course. Going over and through all those challenges, wishing I had done this better or approached a person or situation from another point of view. Hind sight is perfect, of course. Immersed as I was in so many different demands I guess that I should try to give myself a break for at least trying to do my best, even when the results weren't what I'd hoped. After all I cut my staff and the other participants a fair amount of slack based on some of the details I captured, so I guess I'm entitled to some myself. Too bad feeedback from Ottawa and certain other people won't provide me with the same courtesy. Just tired - just shake it off too. It's their poison to deal with not mine. Or as one staffer said one day, "don't apologize for doing your job and don't apologize when you haven't done anything wrong". Some days though when you are the target of someone's blast of misdirected rage, it is hard not to try and soften the gale by doing a mea culpa. Sometimes that works wonders and is all that the other person needs to get over themselves. Hard balancing act that - loving kindness, not backing down or apologizing for the real world, added in with those mea culpas. Last night I started the mental work at about 11 pm and stayed at the computer until 5 in the am. There was a lot of stuff to go through, but it was more restful than trying to sleep while the mind races around "trying to knit up that ravelered sleve of care" (MacBeth) and "Our doubts are traitors, And make us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt. "Measure for Measure", Act 1 scene 4, both of course by my good literary friend William Shakespeare. Slept for four hours and began editing again but with a much calmer frame of mind to think with. And so it goes and "so I go to sleep to dream..."(Hamlet)
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