04:26 - 19.11.05
Play and Learn
Another day and another 50 cents in my pocket. Actually I shouldn't complain should I? At least I have a job - or two. Paid ones that is. It was odd today. I felt really weepy starting first thing in the morning and I don't know why. The thoughts spinning around in my head were all about the problems with work that had arisen the past couple of weeks. The scenario from the one company 5 years ago where I had to threaten wrongful dismissal in order to keep my job and the subsequent harrassment that happened in it's many threatening forms, kept intruding on my thoughts too. It was just such a strong sense of hopelessness. I thought I had done with and put that other job experience out of my mind. Apparently though it still resides in my heart. Looking back astrologically, that pot was stirred back up last year at about this time when that one person used his access to power to try a similar rout. And the one company I worked with next, where the same thing raised it's head, were all Pluto inspired manifestations, or infestations rather.
Just put my headphones on and kept that data entry going. The one coworker who I switched places with about five months ago rode the elevators with me down to the main plaza at lunch. She asked if the supervisor had mentioned anything about an extension to my contract yet. When I said no, she showed a great deal of stress as she noted that she had asked several times, but had still not got a response. Like me, she has to work and not for pocket money either. The work for us is the difference between having money for basics like food and shelter. Saving and investing money aren't even on the radar, thank you kindly. She said she was going to start putting out resumes and I allowed I had begun that process too. I think the behaviour of the perfumed co-worker had maybe triggered her stress this morning. You see, that one spent the entire morning shifting things around in their shared work area. She went through the fired coworkers' stuff, making continuous negative comments about her - again loudly enough that even I heard them with my headphones on. Kept calling our supervisor over to look at what she had done to "improve" things. Maybe it the universe's way of showing me what went on after the one really bad incident I dealt with that 5 years ago. I hope my coworkers' reactions to the bully who went after me were the same as mine and the coworker who is also looking for other work now. Just disgust.
When I'd taken my timesheets to my supervisor to be signed she asked how I was feeling, if my flu was any better. I allowed that the stress from the incident at the warehouse had contributed to the intensity of the problem. That "can't stomach it" response, I guess. Although I don't agree with the people who insist every illness or negative event in one's life is brought on by either psychosomatic or past life behaviour, I do agree that emotional and psychological distress can negatively affect immune response levels making it much more likely that one will fall ill. You see, all those wonderful antibodies we produce every second of the day transform into emoticons and somatocons to help our immune systems deal with the fallout of the feelings being hurt. Well everyone else has theories and mine are just as likely to have some validity, aren't they. I think so. I think therefore I am. Mind is the builder. Mind over matter. It doesn't matter. Oops got caught on one of those trains of thought and Elvis has left the building. All aboard. Hmmm. See the mind has it's own little playgrounds too. Nothing wrong with that.
Went for a walk at noon with my walking partner. The last time we were out it was still summer and it was the day before she left to compete in the marathon in Hawaii. She said she "married Maui", before she returned showing me a beautiful rose gold ring set with a blush pearl. Well if one is going to make a lifetime commitment to something Maui might actually be a great choice. Right? She talked about her emotional struggles what with her father dying in September and her work on spiritual goals trying to helping her stay balanced and focussed. She seems alright and closure may be the greatest gift she receives from the hard work she's done. That's something worth committing to too. She asked about work, so I told her about the events of the past couple of months, both with the day job and the elections work. She said it really upset her to see me shaking like that when I spoke about it, but I don't think that she was seeing that correctly. We were outside walking into a cold wind and one laden with pollutants. I was having a great deal of difficulty breathing, but that was the asthma kicking in. Rapid walking and the cold, particulate laden air being way too much for the body to handle while telling about stressful things too. Inflammation of the bronchioles. Can't breathe, choked up. Whatever.
Her comment was that she was learning not to care what other peole did and I agree, that's another reason I wear headphones. Keeps my attention focussed on what is important to my life. However, when other people force their way through those boundaries I have put in place, I do need to at least reset them or they won't be respected. For people who are set on violating others, the success of transgressing those healthy boundaries once is usually followed by pushing in even further and more violently. At least that is how it feels to me right now. Where once I wouldn't have pushed back, I just don't have the patience to be boundaryless anymore. That strategy works too because there is no satisfaction in no resistance, but it usually takes a long time for someone who is abusive to realize that they aren't getting the pleasure they seek from someone else's pain before they go away. Maybe that doll thing triggered some old emotional damage too. The one thing that surprised me was that even though the depiction that greeted me in the waste basket that morning after Hallowe'en was set up so it could be interpreted as a rape, I never articulated that in any message I sent about it or spoke of. It was apparent from other people's responses to just the simple description of the physical set up of the two figures - and I did ask a psychologist I used to volunteer with what message the person who did the deed might have intended - that most of them read it that way. That was the reason for the extreme responses they reflected back to me, I guess, and I became the screen for their projections about the incident. Hmmmmm, hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing it out to me dear diary. Guess I'd better go muse on that for a while.
My walking partner asked me about my future with this company and I allowed I had no idea what the final outcome might be and that I was trying really hard just to focus on the work without attachments to outcomes. That's why I carry the photo of the Dalai Lama with me all the time. Breathe in, breathe out, Grasshopper. She asked me if my old supervisor was helping me out, I think with the assumption that I was still being assigned through his agency. I explained again about the last two contracts I had worked with him where he had seemed to throw me to the wolves per se and acknowledged how hurtful that was after working with him for five years. That's why I walked away and signed up with this new agency. I acknowledged I would feel safer all the same, if he was in the picture and that I really miss his counsel. I know that makes no sense whatsoever, but emotional attachments to our own illusions are much stronger than reality sometimes. That's the theme of the entire canon of the Harry Potter series.
Interesting to see how JK Rowling deals with that theme in her last book, since she has hinted strongly that that is where the resolution of the curse of Lord Voldemort will be resolved. Think of the sequence where Harry and Dumbledore are talking about the prophecy that either Harry or Voldemort must die, if the other is to live. Dumbledore asks Harry if the circumstances would change if the prophecy had never been heard by anyone. Prophecy/worry - two sides to the same coin. One is a delineation of an event, the other is the emotional reaction to a probability making it more likely that it will manifest. Ahhhh. That mental playground is really entertaining tonight, sorry for digressing again dear diary. Maybe I should invest in the Dalai Lama's last book and find myself a more helpful guru than the one's I've accepted in my daily life. Or maybe I should just pay more attention to that still small voice within. It seems to be getting stronger by the day and I am finding that following it's insight with "right actions" is becoming a powerful tool to navigate these choppy waters of feelings. Anyway, that playground is just too tempting to resist and is promising to become some very interesting dreams. Need to go make room for those to manifest too dear diary. Good night and good morning.
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