00:55 - 14.11.05
the bardo
I didn't go to sleep at all last night. Just sat up in front of the computer in a half meditation, half I'm not sure what. Often, in the past when something big was about to break, that would happen but it often came with feelings of dread or sorrow. Last night there was no feeling that I could detect, just a stillness. In a lot of esoteric material across all faith systems, there is a common theme that "what one puts one's attention to is what manifests" in one's world at times like that - that pregnant void between one cycle and the next. I didn't focus on any thing, just waited to see if images would arise. They didn't.
When I came out of that space at around sunrise, my mind cycled around trying to fill in the blanks. I did try calling a few people later on just to reconnect and make certain there were no breaks in those ties or awareness. None of that either. So I guess the best thing is to try and heed that ancient counsel from sages throughout the faiths and ages. Just "let go and let God". We'll see in time.
Today all that ambition to get the house cleaned up came to naught, of course. I was still moving in another dimension of space/time this morning trying to rebalance and wake up to ordinary reality mostly. Sort of the Carlos Castenada or Michael Harner descriptions, but not really. Could be with Mercury going retrograde and Uranus - my ruling planet and "bolt out of the blue" maven - going direct that it was the only place that the mind could go, that made any "sense". I think I'm still caught up in there somehow. Strange landscapes with visions rising that have no descriptors in our prosy English language. It would be a good time to read William Blake's poetry I think. It's a good thing I don't use drugs or alcohol or I think that the mind would not be able to cope with what it is experiencing.
Things that broke through that reality were the cats and a friend's phone call. You see my youngest finally has called the Humane society, asking them to come and take the youngest cats. We just can't keep up with the crowding and the constant care and cleaning required. The sad thing is that the whole of the cat family seems to be aware of the imminent change and they are trying to find ways of hiding the little ones from their fates. Ms Kitty in particular is grieving and it is hurtful to see. If I could do otherwise I would, but I have tried every avenue I know without success. I keep telling myself that these babies need their own home, with owners that adore them and them alone, and they do. The fear, of course, is that some of the cats won't find their true placement and will be put down. Don't know anyway around it. I think I must have been part of the family in an Egyptian temple at some past life, because the veneration and love of the cats is very strong. As I've mentioned before too, their affection and intuitiveness about what is happening in my life has sometimes seemed like the only source of solace I have had, so there is an emotional need and attachment that comes into play too. That sense of loyalty to one's co-travellers.
The friend's call was similar. We haven't spoken for about a year. We knew each other through volunteer and election work mostly, as well as our children's shared schooling. She was struggling today with the imminent death of one of her friends from our community. A type of cancer that is pretty much a death sentence still, usually in a very short time from diagnosis. She was struggling with the "unfairness", although we both acknowledged that that is a mental construct that has no basis in reality. The friend in question is another person I knew through volunteer activities, but one who I lost touch with years ago. She had a baby with a serious physical disability and dropped out of the picture while she was raising him. He's in college now, so she obviouly did a great job with the challenges set before her. The friend calling said that she just couldn't understand why someone who had tried so hard to deal with each challenge and difficulty with good grace and courage would find this waiting for her at the end of that very long road of struggle. Why wasn't she being rewarded for her keeping the faith and doing her best? One of those imponderable mysteries, I guess.
We talked a bit about our own children too. Her younger ones are going through that "I'm an adult now and you're stupid" phase. I laughed and reminded her about the dreaded fourteenth - or thereabouts - year of one's childrens' lives. That "if you can survive this, you can survive anything" year of conflict and/or chaos that often comes with that first youthful realization and individuation of adulthood. The "you can't make me stage of the terrible two's and eight year old's stand off" writ large and amplified by that mouth that only teens can get away with and still live to tell the tale. The repeat of that stage between about 18-22 is more muted, but probably more frustrating because that last round of wild oats and self sabotage can have such life long consequences - things we know from our own mistakes in judgement and experience. I regaled her with tales of what happens after that age when one's children start settling down and creating their own families. That dawning realization that their parents were not only not stupid, but maybe even have a lot of good ideas and knowledge to share - or not. I told her my sister's story about the day she called our mom, just after a particularly bad day with her three sons. She spent about two hours apologizing for every single misdeed and mistep she had taken as a teen that drove my mom wild at the time. I think she may have confessed things that my mom would never have found out otherwise, but which time and distance can make things, that would have otherwise horrified any parent at the time, seem almost funny in retrospect. Hopefully I'll find that sense of humour should my sons choose the "Mom confessional" too. Anyway, time to go pull the laundry out of the washer so I have clean clothes for tomorrow. We'll see what those two errant planets bring as they do their major course adjustments tomorrow.
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