23:58 - 07.11.05
fatigue
The trip into work was probably the most interesting part of today dear diary. It was quieter than it has been, but even though we are the first stop on the train route,I ended up standing while the young woman I often talk to sat. That was my choice. I needed to stand so as not to fall aleep. I had been up until after 3 in the am, writing to the safety contact where I have my current assignment just to forward to her the email instructions I had received in September about how to report a security incident. I know I'm obsessing a bit, but it really bothers me that one gets into more trouble for doing things properly than not. When I had ridden the train in to work with the young woman on Friday, I had commented that I'd wished I had never reported the security breach at work. She just reminded me that I was being paid by the company to look out for their best interests, rather than for the people who are just drawing wages like me. That was even before the meeting where I was taken to task and that comment is partly what kept me from walking out then and there. Too bad that the history of such things is that one looks after the company's best interests, but it is at the expense of one's own well being. Maybe this time will be different, but I don't think I'll hold my breath. I do things the way I do so I can look at myself in the mirror without feeling shame. I guess that should be enough. Right dear diary?
That was the theme of our discussion this morning on the train. Making the right choices to maintain one's own integrity. It must have pleased the one gentleman who was sitting beside where I was standing in the aisle. He squished his seatmate into the corner and invited me to sit next to him. That was very kind, but those seats often aren't "big enough for the two of us" let alone three. I did feel flattered though, because those Asian grandfathers tend to be pretty stern looking and I don't think it is that easy to impress them.
At work,put the weekly report together, finishing just in time to print it off for the weekly meeting with the second in command. No mention made of last week - just stories about her experiments with bartending. I added a couple of points for clarification about workflow into the "Action Items" section, so that the misconceptions/representations brought up last week in our Friday meeting were acknowledged and the correct information available. I provided dates of that recoding of records already assessed that had to be redone because of changes to either the taxonomy or the corporate mindset and why it had rolled out that way. Basically the answer was that I couldn't complete the work I was being cited as being negligent and resistant doing, because I hadn't been given the information I needed from the supervisors to proceed. There is a process for global changes, but I had never been apprised of the steps necessary in this software - for security reasons I'm sure. I could have done it record by record I suppose - several hundreds of them - but would likely have heard about how long I was taking to complete the work. That information is all verifiable through looking at the email trail relating to the information as well as the "dates of changes" built in to the software. There is still some of that to complete - maybe 20% - but I can only finish so much work at a time.
The week's schedule was also discussed because of Remembrance Day falling on the Friday. Technically this company closes down, but not really. The holiday isn't deemed statutory, so there is no compulsion for any company to observe it. It is an act of voluntary respect here. I would prefer to take it off, but the second in command was clear that my choice was either to work and take the time as regular wages or to bank the hours for time off later. No overtime though. There again if there isn't allowances made for me to complete the extra work being added to my original contract by allowing more hours for me, then why am I being censured for not getting it done. Catch-22 by Kurt Vonnegut and all that. I'm not certain I'm making complete sense here dear diary, but the situation I'm dealing with obviates against clarity.
My youngest had borrowed my headphones on the weekend and had forgotten to replace them this morning. Meant I didn't even have any music to buffer the thoughts swirling about in my head. Sometimes this diary takes the place of what JK Rowling would call the "penseive", filtering the thoughts and keeping memories clean. Other times it is the music that acts as the healer/cleanser. No point wasting time going over what can't be changed, is there. In one way I suppose that was ok. Several of my co-workers have asked me a few time to come to the Christmas party about a month from now. Again as a consultant, it is very unusual to be included at all yet I don't even have to pay to attend and I could bring a "guest" if I wanted. The company itself is very thoughtful about inclusion and that is incredibly rare. So I talked a bit with a few of the staff who are wanting to see me be involved and keyed in all the data that I had gathered last week at the warehouse. I didn't really think I was that rattled by the events then, but it was obvious from the quality of the notes I took, that I was distracted and upset. Just not the same level of detail as I usually manage. Oh well, I'm human I guess. Went out at lunch and picked up another set of headphones all the same. I had been wanting to find some of those gloves that have the finger tops exposed so I can wear them at the warehouse. Remember, I've mentioned that my fingers have sometimes turned blue there - and that was on warm days. Picked up a hip hop CD and a remastered Peter Frampton as well, both on sale. That guitar work was far out, man. Took me back to some of the rock concerts I attended years ago. The guitar and drum solos were often the highlight of the whole event - remember? Dark, warm, pulsing and vibrating. Like a heartbeat that music. Rocking one's soul.
When I arrived home the contractor was just finishing up for the day. He had arrived just before noon and had finished framing the fence, after getting all the posts cemented in. The wood for closing in the frames was carefully laid out for the next day's tasks. Careful craftsmanship instead of assembly line slapdash. The contractor was apologetic about me having to pay more because of the extra time, but given my equivalent work in the industry I work in I still think a little extra investment of time and money up front at the beginning saves one a bucket of troubles/money later. "Pay me now, or pay me later". One craftsman to another.
So I leave you with stories to bemuse and amuse you if you will dear diary. Good night.
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