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01:07 - 21.10.05
Temperature Rising
Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling well, but life seemed to be much sharper around the edges today. It must have been apparent in both my face and my voice this morning, because I heard a lot of concern being expressed about how I was feeling. Like death warmed over, thank you very much. If I had been scheduled for work in the waarehouse I doubt I would have made it, so having the downtown part of the assignment was a good thing today.

Part of the issue was the residual reaction from news from different sources yesterday. Doesn't seem to matter how hard I work at things, it isn't good enough. I couldn't have speeded up the process to get the loan to renovate my home, nor can I get the construction workers any quicker than I have. It's a builder's market out there with the boom in housing going on. I consider myself lucky to have been able to book the major outside repairs before the end of the year. At least that was the last word from my brother-in-law.

Yesterday, one of the neighbours had demanded the bin for garbage be moved because it wasn't esthetic. True enough, but neither is a house with it's roof and exterior crumbling and I have taken on major debt trying to address that - cut me some slack. Did they talk to me about the bin or ask for a timeframe? No they just called the company leasing the bin to me and demanded it be removed immediately. Good neighbours. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, should I, except that I don't think it was the chronically bad neighbour who did the anonymous call. Even yesterday he was asking if he could put his oversize items for trash in that bin so he can clear out his yard. I explained to him, once again, that I had no objection to that and I didn't need to be paid either as long as there was space in the unit after all the old building material from my home was accounted for.

The neighbour across the back ran an illegal curbing (fixing up old cars for resale) business on the side and has ever since he moved into that house a couple of decades ago. He is insistent that the alley be esthetic so as to not discomfit his customers. Despite the smell and the noise as he fired up his sanding and grinding equipment late into the night - the 3 am express coming through - I have never reported him to the bylaw or Revenue Canada people feeling that as long as he keeps to himself, that really is none of my business. However when his business starts to cause harm to my home, because he won't allow me the same courtesy - a little space for imperfection - then that changes things. I was trying to remind myself that the Mars retrograde is to blame being in Taurus and all - my house of the home environment with a side of dissonance in neighbours and siblings. Just breathe in, breathe out Grasshopper. Things will ease up by mid December and then work out by April. Whatever.

At work I got the sensation, as I have ever since the beginning, that it doesn't matter so much what I do as long as I am present. The reason is that there is no supervison or concern with what I do. Now a good part of that is that I am very task oriented and don't need babysitting, nor do I need much guidance with the assignment given. I believe that the scope of what I've been able to accomplish goes well beyond what was originally expected from the contract. This week I expected, from comments from the second in command, to spend at least half the week at the warehouse. However, this week there seemed to have been some sort of need to have me physically in place in the downtown office. I don't know that I can convey the feeling that was underlying that perception. Maybe it is because I am so used to an atmosphere where the demand for productivity was ceaseless, that I can't feel comfortable doing other than that every day. This week it didn't seem that anything was expected from me. When I touched base with the second in command Tuesday afternoon she just asked if I could find enough things to keep busy with in the office until Friday. Maybe she and my supervisor just wanted an extra body present downtown because of the loss of staff and my supervisor's absence. Backup of a sort I guess. Fine by me of course, just a little unnerving given past experience.

My batteries for the diskman ran out around 10:30, but I just left the headphones on so I could focus on what I was doing. The tasks weren't very demanding mentally, so I was doing a meditation. "What would the Dalai Lama do?" Always seems to bring me back to core values. Makes me focus on what is important instead of responding to negative behaviour in the external part of my life. I guess what brought that home was that not having the music as a filter. As a result, the conversations among the others working nearby became an issue. Reminded me of the other reason I keep those headphones in place. The perfumed coworker and the ally spent most of their time cutting down a series of people they knew both in and out of the office. I've always thought that I have enough faults of my own that I don't have to talk about anyone else's in public. Maybe it is because I have you to vent to that I don't trespass in a public way either. Don't know. When she wasn't doing that, the perfumed coworker was on the telephone registering complaints about various people in her nonwork life to whoever was on the other end. I wasn't trying to listen, but they are pretty loud. I kept wondering what would happen if they just minded their own business and simply focussed on getting their own ducks in a row. At one point, the perfumed coworker complained that someone she knew, from their visits to this floor to pick up information, was deep in conversation in the elevator with a coworker and wouldn't acknowledge and include her in the exchange. She has no respect for other people's right to set boundaries and maintain those. It's a bit like sitting on the train and expecting to be included in the conversation of two friends who just happen to sitting on the same bench as you. Interjecting is just considered rude without being invited to contribute. See just venting.

A number of the nicer coworkers came by from time to time to just check in. Did I see the information about the company Christmas Party? No, usually those are couple oriented and usually they are not open to consultants, but I checked anyway. If a group of the non-attached women on this floor were going, I might decide to go this time. Don't know, not enough details yet. One of the coworkers just wanted to hear what the warehouse work was like - was I taking good care of her boxes. The one coworker who noticed my astrology purchases a few days ago had asked if I would take a look at her chart. Normally I don't, but I want to have a peek at hers anyway. Very unique life experiences and a person who is obviously struggling to understand and make the best use of those for her own personal growth. I prefer working with people who are reflective and centered on walking their own path. Minding their own business so to speak, but always building a better community by their choices. Thinking of the whole as well as how the self fits in and plays out it's role.

Picked up more batteries at noon, after I had visited my chiropractor. Wasn't scheduled in, but I thought my problem with my not being able to keep my balance might be improved if I went to see him. Besides that, my knee was locking up again because my back was really hurting. Whine with cheese - I know. It was from that tossing and turning type of sleep last night that not even those slinky new PJs my sister included in her clothing donation to me, could ease. You know the leopard skin print shift slit up to the hips and the white terry cloth housecoat. Ok so maybe that doesn't entertain you dear diary, but the cats liked them. The terry fabric is great for kneading those claws you know and the leopard print seemed to make them think I was growing to look more like them - well maybe. Cat woman versus cat lady - it's all in the perception isn't it? Anyway I digress.

Continued on with my meditation with the Dalai Lama in a way, after I had restored music to my surroundings. Because I was feeling particularly overwhelmed by the events over the summer - that's what being sick does to you, lowers your emotional defenses - I decided I needed to listen to something that made me feel safe and cosseted. Ended up choosing the Commodores with Lionel Ritchie. Hard to find songs of theirs that don't take me back to that safe place deep inside my psyche. Part of it is that voice of course. Part of it is the history of that music in my own life. Part of it has to do with the fact that my mom is very strong in the energy around me right now. Near her birth time, coming up mid November, her ability to communicate always start to get stronger now. Their music was one of her favorites and our family always thinks of her when "Three Times a Lady" comes on - it was always her song. Tear up, even as I write. Mr Ritchie's concert here, many years ago, was the last time my family attended one together, so there is that emotional connection to personal roots as well. I remember him singing "Truly" and coming to realize that the whole of the crowd in the Saddledome was completely mesmerized until the very last bar he sang. The one that really reached me today was "Crazy in Love", yet I don't know why it was so. Even though the title sounds like a love song, it is more about letting go and letting God, I guess. Maybe that was the Dalai Lama's message too, eh? At one time, earlier in the day, I thought I heard him give that laugh he has and then it was as though he was reminding me of that one Zen phrase "Walk On". So dear diary time to walk on in to sleep. "Sleep knits up the raveled sleave of care" MacBeth Act II Scene 2 Shakespeare.

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