01:27 - 06.09.05
clouds
I've added a totem to the sidebar of this entry, dear diary. You see, in most peoples' lives there are anniversary dates. I don't mean things like birthdays or weddings necessarily, although they do constitute a subset. I mean those dates that carry such a strong emotional charge - good or bad - that every year, year after year, the subconscious re-lives the event. That eidetic image burned in one's mind. The "negative" from which a photo taken by a camera is developed. That theory really gained credence for me when I worked with a survivor of torture for a few years. When that image remains in the subconscious one may not even be aware that one is re-living that event again, by recreating the circumstances in some way. Often, if one accepts that "what is repressed manifests", then one's behaviour around the anniversary date of a trauma will mirror the responses one had at that time. There are some incidents that are so seared in one's psyche that if the current conditions don't support the unconscious feelings or behaviour, then the mind will seek out a similar set of circumstances so that it can try and gain mastery of what devastated someone exactly one, ten or even twenty years previous. So, for example, if a death of a spouse or child occurred a year ago, one might find another loss occurs around the anniversary date. Maybe a big fight with a long time friend. Maybe losing one's cool and quitting the job they've had for decades. Very destructive energies at a time when all one wants is comforting and a sense of balance returning to one's life. Until one can remember and address the trauma from previous incidents the pattern tends to repeat itself in infinite variations over and over each subsequent year.
This is the time of year that a number of life altering events occurred over the course of my life - both good and bad. The photo of the rabbit and the wolf remind me that one can never be certain of an outcome until the incident is over. "It's not over until the fat lady sings". Remember my story of how my marriage officially ended one day - that was on September 21, 1993. I hadn't expected to survive that marriage and I must admit it was months before I came out of the shock of still being in a body instead of being freed to be spirit. Not that I'm complaining mind because I desperately wanted to live to see my sons grow in to men, but when one has given up any expectation of a future, then it is hard to interact with others or engage in normal activities that require any sort of planning. For the longest time I felt as though I was floating in some strange sort of dimension belonging neither to the "real" world or the "spirit" world either. But that wolf at my door that year did become a pile of bones just as it seemed I was about to die.
Of course, being that I have an Aquarius sun 
with a ruling planet that has the reputation of acting like a lightning bolt, Uranus 
most major changes in my experience have occurred that way. Are there truly people who plan and then carry out their changes slowly over time? The one thing I learned to accept in early adulthood was that anything I thought was a sure thing was likely never going to happen. It was as though the almighty liked the idea of practical jokes so much that they just waited until I had my mind or heart set on something before changing the whole playing field to a game of snakes and ladders. Alice in Wonderland is a story that resonates and has played out itself throughout my life. No wonder I love quantum theory. Mr Carroll (aka Charles Dodgson) was a mathematics professor at Oxford who appeared to use his ability at story telling to explore the theories both mathematical and philosophical of Gottfried Leibnitz. Those theories and puzzles would one day influence the development of Einstein's Relativity Theory, which would open the door to the work of Niels Bohr and Werner Heisenberg. All those gentlemen used strings of numbers to explain the inner workings of the quantum field; I think the totem I've chosen sums it up rather elegantly. A picture is worth a thousand words - or numbers. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
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