00:33 - 16.08.05
Meeting of Minds
Well one last boot - I hope - from Mr Mercury this morning. The alarm clock did go off, 20 minutes late. I think Fred, the ghost, must follow me home sometimes. I watched "Ghost" again on Sunday and I think Sam might be a better choice - more task oriented you know. I didn't walk out the door until 20+ minutes after my usual time, but still made it downtown before 7:30. Met one of the regulars from that bus - haven't seen him for a while. Nice quiet guy who never says anything - could it be because of all us females chattering - but who imparts a sense of protection. It feels safe where he is around. He's much younger than the rest of us, but there are always young people who are "old souls". Some of my guys fall in that category.
Spent the morning writing reports and preparing for the telemeeting with our Texas counterpart just after lunch. The one walking partner dropped by for a quick visit and that left me quite unsettled. Her first comment was that her father was in palliative care and she was thinking of "just going out with him when he dies" Oh yes, that other aspect of Mercury retrograde - going back over old wounds or history. As you may have noticed, dear diary, my posts were filled with such the past three weeks because mercury was moving backward through my natal eighth house dredging up all sorts of repressed material. Eighth house is for transformation, change,inheritance and death - oh yeah and sex too, but I don't recall anyone mentioning any such thing this last go round. Anyway I suspect she must have been experiencing similar activity in her subconscious and astrological chart too. Facing old demons. With luck maybe they can be transformed into something positive, now that they've been acknowledged. Or not. Like me, she said he really doesn't want anything to do with other people right now. Sometimes the animal kingdom has lessons for us if we choose to accept the source, you know. When animals are wounded they go some place quiet on their own and "lick their wounds". Clean out all the old poison and allow rest and isolation for a while to support the process of healing.
One thing she said made me a bit cranky, but I think it is just something piggybacking on comments I've received by email from some of the people I am trying to clear out of my life. You know, those psychobabble things that pass as insight to another person's inner thoughts and feelings. A couple of people sent me one repeatedly about the colours one chooses to wear being indicative of their personality and state of mind. Well fine, but first, I love the colours of yellow, red and orange - on other people. For me they make me look as though I have a severe case of jaundice. My skin colour appears sallow and I look really sick. Not quite the look I have in mind for myself. I also usually wear black, because it is slimming and doesn't show dirt. Both important to me. It also always seems to be in style. Being that my budget has no line item for clothes, that is a good thing too. The emails being sent claim that people who wear black are those most desperately in need of help. Right, I am - send cash! Tens and twenties will do, thank you very much. (Ghost - Oda Mae Brown/Whoopi Goldberg)Otherwise get out of my life. Goes back to that old theme of what makes one person happy, can cause absolute misery for someone else. I don't like social functions, large groups of people or a lot af idle gossip/chit chat. Give me a good book or a chance at deep meditation if you want a happy me. I hate restaurants and driving around closed up in a vehicle, but I love open spaces and things like hiking in the mountains. Quiet solitary pursuits. Guess I should have followed my first instincts as a child and become a nun - Buddhist of course. Oh right, no such places in Canada when I was growing up. Besides I wouldn't give up the joy of having my sons. I finally sent one of the people a note back with their email quoting Freud. I thought it was appropriate in a macabre sort of way. He once said - another eighth house reflection - "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". Don't know if the message was received in full or not, but at least those emails stopped.
The walking partner has a tendency to try and sneak things and or people in to one's life - for your own good. She commented, after asking me if I wanted to join her for a form of Reiki healing, that one of the things that it was important to do was to be able to ask for and accept help, pointing to me as she said this. Kind of ended the discussion about the healer in a hurry. Again, from watching our animal teachers, I suspect that the frantic running around a lot of people do from one "master", religion or philosophy of life to another is not the best way to work through inner trauma - unless one wants to end up with a leader like "Scar" in the Lion King. Um, I think there's a Whoopi Goldberg influence builidng here - she was the voice of the lead hyena, very funny too. I think I like the idea of just sitting and licking those wounds all by my self. The only help I want right now? I repeat for those "friends" who think I need to change the way I live - Send money, the roof needs fixing and the cats need homes. I gently reminded my walking buddy that, as I had told her earlier, my birthday resolution was to only allow people into my my life who made me feel good about myself and accepted me the way I am now. Makeover mavens need not apply. I think it was also Freud who said that people who focus on "fixing" other people usually are doing so to avoid doing the inner work and change they desperately need themselves.
The telemeeting after lunch went well from my perspective. Our contact was in the Fort Worth office and she was bemoaning the fact it was raining - she hadn't dresed for it. I mentioned that when I went out for lunch here it was trying to rain - humidity 100% - but that the smoke from the forest fires in British Columbia was soaking it up, resulting in thick fog almost right down to ground level. It was actually rather curious, because when one looked up it appeared there were these soft wooly grey blankets just hanging up out of reach in the sky. Very pretty, but I bet one would have found themselves very wet and cold if they succeeded in actually pulling one out of the sky.
The meeting had been called to discuss some of the problems that I was discovering as I coded the records, both with the taxonomy and the documents themselves. We were scheduled to talk for an hour and I had provided about 30 pages of screenshots for illustration. Two hours later, we were still working through them when our counterpart had to leave for another appointment - could we schedule more time this week and could I provide more screen shots. At the beginning of the meeting, I had tried to reference the weekly reports that I know are now available in the shared drive, so some of our other Texas counterparts can see them as they wish. Apparently my supervisor hadn't provided access to those to this person, even though a lot of the commentary would have a lot of relevance to her areas of endeavour. Again there is something curious about the way information is being withheld or only partially revealed and some further comments by my supervisor and the second in command to try to reframe observations I made as I was going though each shot left me somewhat unnerved. I don't know what the game is, or why, but it is really starting to bother me. The counterpart's request for additional screenshots seemed to upset my supervisor and her second in command too. After we signed off, the second in command came to my workstation and said she had been directed to now have a weekly meeting with me by our supervisor "so we can keep on top of things" - when would I think would be convenient for me. Well firstly, everything I said in the meeting was information I have presented ad nauseum in my weekly reports, in the spreadsheets and word documents I have passed on and in running discussions we have had among different members of the group by email. Secondly why does my convenience matter. It should be flattering I guess, but as a consultant, one usually accommodates the needs of the client not the other way around. I love the way I am treated here - sometimes it almost seems as though it is thought I am important somehow, but quite honestly it is also very disorienting. I keep waiting for the punchline. Probably just that last Mercury thang, eh?
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