17:37 - 25.07.05
Breathe In Breathe Out
Missed a couple of days and I'm very sorry dear diary. Asthma kicked in. I spent most of the weekend feeling like someone kicked me in the chest - hard to breathe or to move. I've been trying to get the house cleared out, both with respect to the cats and the "spray" smell the neighbours have complained about. My oldest son came over on Saturday. We spent about six hours just going through one small section of the basement. My "archives" from when I was an at-home-mom, as well as a volunteer. My oldest and youngest helped me sift through it all, trying to salvage critical documents while turfing most of the rest. They seemed to be quite fascinated by some of the material they came across. I don't think they had any idea how much volunteer work I did nor the range of issues I addressed. Mixed in with that was all their own school work and trophies, so it was a bit of a treasure hunt in a way. My oldest had sometimes wondered, I think, why I hadn't spent more time looking after some of his medical problems. We found the session notes from some of the hospital visits. I think that laid a few ghosts to rest for him. My youngest found the sheet of paper we had used as a family to list, then choose his name for him, when he was born. All his brothers, as well as his Dad and me, had contributed our ideas - about a dozen names. Apparently he would have liked all but one of them, so that's not bad odds, is it. Also found a binder full of my writing from high school that entertained the boys as well. The papers were all marked you see. Title of the first paper was "Ancient Greek Drama and It's Influence on Shakespeare". I guess I thought I knew something back then. I know better now.
I've emailed several pet places again without any response, but my Dad's neighbour's son in southern Alberta wants most of the adult males as mousers for his farm and his neighbours'. If any of the pet stores respond I'm hoping we can find homes for the kittens too. Leaves just the older females to worry about. Number two and three sons are going to be by tomorrow to take out the rest of the material downstairs and then maybe we will be able to relax a bit. I need to go get supper made though - haven't eaten yet today.
To continue..... This morning I was surprised to see one of the males I often chat with standing at my bus stop. You see he usually catches the bus two stops prior to mine. He said he had arrived at his own stop early and decided to walk a bit. Ok. Asked how things were going for him. He said he and his wife now had another grandchild - sort of. One of those relationships that broke down after the birth of the child I think. It was obvious that he felt that they weren't getting to see the new grandbaby as often as they would like. Funny how common parenting issues can create bonds among neighbours right? A year ago my oldest and his partner adopted out because they have been struggling for years trying to survive with the two children they have now. In his partner's culture that practice is common and the definition of "family" is considerably more elastic as a result. They told me and the rest of the family after the decision had been made. It wasn't because they didn't trust us it was because it was extremely painful for them and more interference would have just made it worse. All I was thinking at the time was that maybe we could have helped keep the family unit intact in some way. Truth be known that materially I was struggling to survive too so the reality was driven by income not what was in the best interest of my son and his partner. Sent him into quite a depression at that and me too if you recall those entries about a year ago. I really admire the two of them for putting the best interest of their children above everything else but I can't help resenting the fact that our society only values families based on how much money they have. And yes I can hear all those comments about "don't they know about birth control". Yes we do, as I've explained before my last three sons were conceived each on a different type of birth control and two of my co-volunteers - one whose husband is a gynecologist - conceived their fifth child after having tubal ligations. That permanent solution, right? Some children are just meant to be. One would think that in those cases it would be best to allow them the gift of staying in the family they were born in to. Poverty isn't a dysfunction, it is an economic deficiency. Each of my son and myself have carried two jobs trying to support our own children, no one can say we are lazy or unskilled. For those who feel otherwise, walk a mile in our shoes and see how well you cope. Any way the discussion with the one co-traveller this morning helped a bit as the anniversary date of my son's decision arose. The social network we are embedded in does not support family unity and often works against it. In my co-traveller's case it isn't even about the incomes of the families since they were more than sufficient to support the new baby. Even though one never wishes harm on other families, it helps not to feel so isolated in those parenting problems where one is helpless to resolve the issues in a way that is less painful. I think we both were glad of the chance to contemplate those imponderables on the train. Another wave of bombings overseas means there are very empty trains here as a result. Guess there are other personal tragedies playing out in many families and ours aren't as intractible as we think. Things happen a certain way for a reason. Right?
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