00:07 - 02.06.05
Retro fit
I was standing at the ATM in downtown's largest mall at lunch waiting to withdraw a little cash. I had a craving for what has to be the best won ton soup in Calgary. In the past it has always helped me fight off respiratory viruses. I'd forgotten about it for a while when a very turbulent series of events sent me in a tailspin for a year or two. I was people watching while waiting for my turn. As the person in front of me stepped up to the keypad, I caught a glimpse of my former supervisor from the past four years walking toward me. He appeared to be talking to someone on the other side of him. My reaction was automatic. Tucked my chin down and looked at the debit card in my hand. Didn't even want to make eye contact. That confused me a bit. I hadn't done anything wrong while working with him and I had only left when his treatment of me as a coworker became consistently unbearable. Today I just didn't want to be forced into the social pattern of acting as though everything was alright. Quite honestly, his meanness still really hurts, because it was unwarranted and it seemed as though the sequences of activity by him and the co-worker were planned out well in advance, as though they were on an opposing football team from me or something similar. Fortunately, he either didn't see me or chose to continue walking past with whoever he was visiting with. The other reason I didn't want to make contact is because I am afraid of that one coworker and I want absolutely no contact at all. I couldn't see who he was talking to and was fearful that might be who it was. Just after they passed by the evacuation/safety alarm for the mal went off, the public announcement accompanying it completely incomprehensible. Quickly did the withdrawl from the ATM. I grabbed my soup from The Pink Pearl in Banker's Hall then headed back to work past the fire trucks, grateful I had some other place to go to work.
Today had been really quiet in our department, because the records team was helping staff on other floors clear out their dead files. That was a bonus because the records I am analyzing right now are fascinating. No distractions, mostly. One of the supervisors I respect came by in the morning to chew over some strategies after I emailed her screenshots of some strange stuff relating to her area of responsibility. Later I wandered over to see her, when I had pulled off some statistical data she wanted to support her approach to our supervisor about it. Next up was some strange material that was the responsibilty of one of the other supervisors I enjoy interacting with - the nouveau belly dance convert. Same drill, more information provided and she will get back to me with some ideas for handling it after she works through the information and talks with her "clients". The third supervisor I like had just returned from holidays with a friend in Utah. She just came by to ask how I was feeling and to catch up a bit. She said she had had a great time in Provo. The weather was pleasant, but very wet. She had enjoyed her field trip into one of the canyons nearby. Apparently one of the actors whose movies I really enjoy has a ranch in the area and she had been able to take in some of the amenities he had created nearby. I hadn't realized that's where he lived, because I choose not to pry into personal details of people who I admire who are public figures. They deserve their privacy, but that doesn't mean I'm not curious sometimes. Next my supervisor stopped by and we talked a bit about things African - her direct experiences and my research both for work and for some of the volunteer human rights activities I undertook when I was an at home mom. Last up was a visit from the health and safety specialist. He dropped by after lunch just see how I was holding up. There is still some problem with air quality and it is stressing my body a bit - hence the chicken/won ton soup - so I do have periods where I feel like I'm going to pass out, but they are becoming shorter and less frequent. I just thanked him for his concern and noted that each day gets a little better. Have I mentioned how much I like working at this company?
Having seen my old supervisor for the first time since about early February triggered a lot of emotional reaction that I hadn't processed from the last assignment. I think those interactions at this company today really helped me work through some of the distress. There are times I really miss working with my previous supervisor when the in office politics get ugly and when Fred, the ghost, is acting up. That was when I relied on my supervisor to intervene and that was what kept me going in to work when I really didn't feel safe. Problem, of course, was I was beginning to feel unsafe because of his responses and treatment of me, in conjunction with the coworker he had brought in to work "with" me. I still don't understand what that was all about or why the deliberate meanness of the two. I went back and read some of the posts I had done in January and early February before writing to you tonight, trying to get some perspective, but it still doesn't make any sense to me. It was kind of synchronous seeing him today, because little vignettes from that last assignment had been bubbling though my consciousness during the period I was really sick with the pneumonia as though they somehow had impact now. Maybe, since the worst of that time began when Jupiter was just about to turn retrograde and transiting Chiron was doing it's return to my natal Chiron, it means that that period of time is now being set right - whatever that means. The reason I say that is now Jupiter is just about to go direct and Chiron is about to go retrograde, passing back across that conjunction with my natal Chiron. All of that will play out until the end of August. Maybe I'll feel better about what happened after that. Or not. Today I decided just to focus on being grateful for having this new assignment with a new supervisor who seems to appreciate me both as a person and a worker, as well as some peers in this department who also value me even when I do have to give them information that inccreases their workload. Background music for those thoughts today? Tracy Chapman, Mary Blige, Lionel Richie, Eric Burdon, Eminem and the groups Tea Party and Great Depression. Hmmmm.
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