23:23 - 01.05.05
Protection
I have been having a lot of dreams lately about males who are long gone from my life. They are almost disturbing, because the message I get doesn't match the quality of the relationship at all. For example, I dreamt of my ex protecting me. Like that ever happened. So what does it mean? That the lessons I learned from having to survive on my own with the boys are now protecting me in my day to day life? Well I already know that. Ditto with the appearance of my last supervisor and one male I did a lot of volunteer work with years ago. Protectors - in my dreams, only. In all three relationships, I felt like I was doing all the difficult work both in the physical world and in the emotional realm - the caretaker/nurturer - and the males were reaping the benefits. Usually adding insult to injury, they would go out of their way to make me feel as though they were doing me a favour by "allowing me to be part of their life/project". Whatever. It's probably just the fever from the pneumonia talking - right?
I still feel really awful and weak, but I think I need to go in to work tomorrow anyway if at all possible. Perception is an issue, and I don't want to be seen as lacking commitment to the project. My doctors appointment isn't until mid afternoon so I hope I can tough it out until then. Besides that I just can't afford any more unpaid time.
Number three son and his girlfriend came visiting yesterday. With my youngest in tow, they ran all the errands I needed to get completed but just couldn't manage. I'm just getting some elections paperwork completed that is at the critical stage and then I'm going to bed. The big effort for me this afternoon was to watch the movie "Ray" that number five son sent with number three son when he came visiting yesterday. Good movie, Great music, and a very interesting story in to the bargain.
It's hard for my sons and their friends to understand the background that Mr Robinson had to cope with, with civil rights having moved so much further ahead than the '40's and 50's, but the one scene about the segregated dance floor in Georgia really brought me up short. I'd forgotten. It's odd, but I have a biography about Robert Kennedy that was published not long after he was assassinated on June 6, 1968. At that time I was deeply influenced by his positions on a number of political and social issues and I've never forgotten his words. The past month or so the book seems to keep appearing where ever I go in the house. I thought it was just Fred the ghost from work playing games with me, but maybe not. Equal rights are the easiest form of freedom to withhold based on perceived injury, or "emergencies" or because one is "asking for it". Maybe there needs to be a reminder of what it is like, when even the right to walk down the street unmolested isn't guaranteed. In Calgary we still have one night every year when women have their "Take Back the Night" march to protest the fact that it is still not safe for us to go to some places in the city - including train platforms - at night.
There are a lot of civil liberties issues bubbling jut below the surface in this province right now. Most seem to be driven by extremes in religious views - many religions all competing for dominance. There is a determined effort by those groups to ignore the Charter of Rights - both provincial and federal - which state that each person has the right to have and practice their own faith. The implicit promise is that one will not be subjected to persecution or assault based on that faith to which one adheres - freedom from imposition of another person's beliefs. Oh yes those dreams about protection from past exploiters. I think I need some aspirin.
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