11:09 AM - 05.02.05
Arcana
Yesterday was just too long dear diary. Arrived at work a bit early and took up where I left off. Looked up about 2 hours later to see my tech from the election peeking over my partition. He'd just been speaking with my co-worker, who he said was feeling a bit frustrated with me. Could he have the information that I had with respect to a certain class of documents. The implication was that I'd been witholding the material from my co-worker for the past several weeks. I pointed out that I had just begun indexing a portion of that information beginning Tuesday afternoon of this week and all of Wednesday, except for the time spent in the weekly meeting and fighting with computer gremlins. 72 pages worth of data capture in a day and a half. I don't think that is too bad a tally for the time invested - about 12 hours - averaging six pages of information per hour - no pictures or double spacing added. I couldn't produce it before then, because I didn't have it. I was following the priorities set out by my supervisor and the liaison as well and, in fact, had only been given permission to index the data in question, after completing the tasks already assigned, at last week's weekly meeting. Talk about feeling as though I'd been set up to fail. I expressed frustration to my tech about being badgered about it, when I had explained that fact each time in detail when asked. Neither my co-worker nor my supervisor were willing to accept that. I think I do a good job, but I can't produce information out of thin air either.
While we were talking, I also expressed my frustration about being told how to carry out the next step of the task by people who don't have any knowledge of what has been collected or the work entailed to produce the information requested. My tech said it had become his decision how to proceed. I just said that was fine, as long as I was accorded the courtesy to be consulted first with respect to how my work was defined. He didn't seem to have a problem with that after our discussion. Oi - just like dealing with Ottawa. Anyone who claims private business is more efficient or effective than government has never worked inside most corporations. My tech said he would be the one doing the comparative analysis of my work against the existing information and he would let me know what he found in a while. It was obvious he was frustrated too. Mentioned that he was carving time for this out of his already overburdened schedule. I'm sorry about that, but the people he needs to discuss that with, are the ones making the decisions without reference to reality.
Next up the co-worker was at my station almost as soon as I had sat down from talking with the tech. On Wednesday he had had to come to me to get data he should have researched and had ready for our meeting based on a commitment made the week before. All he had to do was go see one of the scientists and request a printout of a spreadsheet. It had slipped his mind, I guess. After that meeting two weeks ago, I had asked the scientist for the same information so I could be certain I had cross referenced in my work, since it was going to be used as a key search tool for certain classes of documents. I hadn't been given any direction to do so, but I knew down the road I'd be asked why I hadn't done the cross referencing. Preventive maintenance of my spreadsheet was what I was thinking, so I was able to provide it to my coworker when he asked. Yesterday it appeared that he hadn't gotten the other spreadsheet of key indicators for another class of documents that had been discussed at this weeks meeting. He was supposed to produce a report about that by week's end and hadn't asked the scientist for that either. Did I have that information or could I pull it from the data capture I was doing. He handed me three pages each with about 75 lines of records he had to find cross references for. He said the two people who had that information for him were both off today. Uh huh. Another two hours lost to other people's failures to plan. Pulled out what I could and handed it back to him with the web address of the regulatory body that manages that information for those pieces I didn't have any data. Same response as before. It wasn't acceptable to him and those weren't the numbers he wanted. Petulant is the only word to describe his behaviour at that point. Since it is exactly what came from the original documents from that regulatory body it is what is required, but I honestly don't believe he understands that. I wonder why he believes it is my responsibility to do his work and also his right to complain when it isn't provided to him spoon fed.
I can't help but wonder what he and my supervisor are thinking. I had joked with my supervisor on Wednesday that it seemed he was trying to get rid of me when we talked last about some of these issues. He paused and then said he needed my input today without responding to me in any other way. I think that says a lot right there. I wonder if it is their perception that I'm there to do the work that they will then claim as theirs, while making it appear that I am not doing my job and am not co-operating into the bargain. Probably just paranoia, but that's how it feels.
Glad my tech would hear me out. Given that he worked with me during the election, I think he witnessed enough of my work ethic to realize I am neither lazy nor obstructive nor a loose cannon nor a loner. None of those reflect my attitude, but it feels like I keep being limned that way to this client. Given the amount of extra time and effort I have put in nights and weekends to help my supervisor look good when he reports to our clients I don't understand why he would turn around and deliberately try to portray me that way either. Again it's proabably just paranoia.
I did send him some additional research I have last night from the past couple of years that affects the assignment we have right now. Really good investigative media stories about certain criminal behaviour in our industry. I guess maybe my answer about why he is behaving in such an odd way might come when I see how he presents that later. Don't know.
Just before 11 my co-worker came by to ask if I'd heard from our supervisor yet. No - how come? Well he had said he was planning to come by before lunch to talk to me about the questions I had raised on Wednesday by email. Now I had already had an email from him that morning responding to the email I had sent the night before offering to work today to make up for the lost sick day if the schedule he and the liaison had set was going to be compromised. He had just said no - no weekend work for now, but hadn't indicated anything else.
From past experience I know he often finds himself kept late at other work sites or in meetings, so often when he says he will drop by he has to reschedule. I'm fine with that and understand why he wouldn't commit to a particular schedule he might not be able to honour, because I have the same problem during elections. Sometimes my staff become frustrated when I can't see them exactly when we've scheduled, but if the computers crater or I have to deal with an angry member of the public, a strung out candidate or head office's "emergencies" (failure to plan) then I have to reset my priorities so I can get the fires out that would cripple my team's ability to do their jobs. Hierarchy of needs on a sliding scale. Get rid of the landmines before you try tilling the soil to plant, don't you know. And yes there may only be a few days that are optimal sowing certain seeds, but having one's ox blown up, eliminating the opportunity to plant at all, has to be considered.
Normally when my supervisor arrives doesn't matter, but I had scheduled a lunch date with the friend I used to ride into work with and had even booked a table at the Spaghetti Factory - her choice - to be certain we could manage a good visit without losing office time. I called and left a voicemail letting him know I had something planned over the next couple of hours - could he get back to me if he needed me to break my lunchtime commitment and reschedule with my friend. He didn't respond - likely because he wasn't back to his desk in that time - so I just proceeded with what I had planned. My friend and I haven't chatted since late September or early October. I knew from discussions with her son, who is my number 3 son's buddy, that things had not been going well for her. I just wanted to check to see if she was ok. You know the "do you want help picking up the pieces or would a shoulder to cry on be helpful" kind of thing. She seemed glad of the shoulder, but appeared to have as much under control as was reasonable. She had just been to see a counsellor with some of the issues and was processing the outcome when we started chatting. She asked for my stories so she could calm a bit, I think, and then she talked while I listened - and ate. It was decided between the two of us that I would start catching a ride into work with her starting next week. Gives us both venting time.
When I first went to see the lawyer about my divorce she was the one who came and got me - I think - after that session. I can't recall how long that meeting had lasted, but the lawyer asked about all the details of what had been happening as a result of the boys' dad's behaviour. It was the first time I had talked about a lot of it with anyone. I went into shock after and really couldn't figure out where I was or why I was there. It was very strange to experience. I think I would have managed to get home on my own anyway, but it was likely just as well that I didn't have to find out in real terms. She was also the person I vented to when that incident of refusing to date or buddy up with my supervisor five years ago nearly got me fired. It happened over exactly the same period of time as the divorce problems. She wrote a letter to the Human Resources Head stating that I had been expressing my concerns to her about his behaviour for over six months prior, based on our venting/commuting conversations. The HR head's response had been to ask if I had ever worn a wire to capture any of that. Since most of his approaches were non-verbal and when he was certain there were no witnesses, that wouldn't have been useful even if I had known how to do it or had the inclination to wear one.
When we were talking yesterday, most of what I told her was about the recurrence of the circumstances at the last assignment I had and what was going on with the creep at this assignment. Just before I had left to meet her, I had been in the file room putting some of the documents I'd completed indexing back on the shelves. My tech and I had just finished talking about his conclusions based on the analysis of some of the data in my spreadsheet and he had just walked out of the room. The jerk came up behind me as I was putting things back on the top shelf and stood so he was less than an inch behind me. I tried moving closer to the shelf, but he just moved right behind me again. If my tech hadn't caught sight of him and stepped back into the workroom I'm not certain how I would have handled it. As it was the jerk scuttled out of there as soon as he heard my tech's voice. One of these days I'm not going to be so lucky and I must admit it is making me very uncomfortable. I told my friend about the pressure at work to be social and a "team player", but asked how I was supposed to do that when I don't even feel safe when I have to go to the washroom any more. What if he follows me in there one of these times. I added that what was going on was re-triggering all the distress from that other period of time the divorce/work place stuff was all happening at the same instant. Hadn't planned the lunch to deal with any of that, but it was synchronous enough to at least give me some comfort even though things are playing out at work right now in a very negative way. I know there is at least one peron who will hear what I have to say without dismissing my concerns.
Went back to work after lunch and finished off the indexing sans a visit from my supervisor. The only problem being that the formatting on my spreadsheet went wonky again. The same tech as last time came back to look at it again and determined there was some damage to the keyboard that seemed to be the source of the problem. He promised to try and find another one for me. Another half hour lost. Is Mercury retrograde yet? One of the staff came by and asked why I wasn't socializing with the rest of them. I just responded that I had a really tight deadline and also that I don't feel lonely or isolated because I get so much interaction with others during elections and at home with my family and friends, that I don't need any other stimulation. Maybe I should tell the staff here about the creep, but usually all that does is bring a storm of blame and retribution down on the woman's head. "You must have asked for it", "Can't be true he's not like that", "He doesn't mean anything by it", or the classic "well what do you expect - you're single/divorced". Right. Usually when a female leaves a job without giving a good explanation that is the source of the problem. In most cases, the price to pay from the corporation and the co-workers in question is much higher than just cutting one's losses. I've never even heard "we're sorry it happened" or "we'll try to do better at protecting female workers from that kind of harassment" let alone "well at least let us reimburse you for the lost wages". Never any enquiries to the state of one's health or emotional well being either - both of which usually take a major kicking especially if you try to ask for fair treatment. Nope, most women just move on and the perpetrators know that they don't have much to worry about.
Time to go clean house again I guess. Lucky I have so many kittens willing to provide the challenge of a messy house with the added bonus of lots of cuddling in between. God works in mysterious and totally arcane ways sometimes - right dear diary?
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