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8:36 PM - 03.02.05
Neptune and At Sea
Just try to wrestle the words to the page said the sage, when he suggested, along with a couple of other people, that I begin to create you, dear diary. He said it didn't matter if it made any sense to anyone else - just to get the thoughts down was enough. Most days I can do a little better than that, but tonight might be one of those - "what is she smoking" entries. Bear with me dear diary.

I didn't go in to work today. Stomach problems and angina kept me up most of the night. The angina? Major stress response to the co-worker and the guy who keeps badgering me at work. Too much of what is happening is similar to what happened at the last assignment. That echoed what happened before at that one place over five years ago,where I emailed my supervisor's manager and noted a relationship as co-worker with him was all that was acceptable to me and anything else was unwanted attention. At that time, the violence of their response to that request made me feel as though my whole understanding of "reality" had broken apart. The only thing that kept me sane then was the workshop I had just attended, given by Matthew Fox. I hung on for dear life to every concept that had been offered just a few days before that fateful e-mail.

Now I feel as though I'm being double teamed by the co-worker and the harasser. They certainly are buddied up most days. When previous behaviour patterns recur in one's life, it is sometimes a message that you still need to finish the lesson. Problem is I don't even know how to go about that and it is making me crazy. I've also reached that level where it doesn't feel as though there is anyone I can trust or anyone to turn to. Last two times, I finally just relied on myself and withdrew from anyone else. It worked for what I needed to happen, but it was very painful. The repercussions also last a long time after. This recurrence is just too soon after the events of last October and it is like that wave thing in physics - the doppler effect and convergence both. I know "shake it off", but I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to do that.

One of the things I've always been able to do in past circumstances is to bring things back into perspective by contemplating the bigger picture. You know, the one where you know you don't have anywhere near the problems that other people deal with on a daily basis. Let's see - the tsunami, the genocide in places as diverse as the Sudan, Myanmar and Tibet. The families that daily have to cope with the violent loss of one of their own members. There are about five different stories about that in the local press right now. The people who daily struggle with injuries or illnesses that make just getting out of bed a major victory. Get a grip, Iago. (Aladdin, if you didn't catch the reference).

The other factor seems to be courtesy of Mr Neptune. It feels as though someone has put all my experiences from that past 20 years in one of those snow globes. You know, the ones that have some pretty winter scene in them. Turn that globe upside down, then back again and the glitter on the bottom appears to be falling snowflakes. If those were memories instead then I'd rather "let all those sleeping dogs lie". All floating freely and swirling around at random in amongst each other, is what the inside of my head feels like. It's one of those times that Newtonian physics actually is more appealing than quantum, since the first is linear and non-repeatable, while the other is permeated by the postulate that only the presence of time keeps everything from happening at once and in multiple configurations. That "What the Bleep do we Know" world view but in nightmare instead of posi-colour. Oh well.

On really bad days, especially while my marriage was imploding, I used to go back to that first near death experience. Because it seemed I could see the future events in my life, it meant I could find the thread that led to the end of that life. I would "look back" on the event that was causing so much trauma to witness it from that end. Often the solution I needed appeared as I watched the "slow motion replay" of what I was in the midst of at that time. The past couple of years that has become more difficult to do, because I think my choices have changed the end of the story somehow. Going to my future "death bed scene" now reveals several possible endings - choose your own adventure - and it is too nebulous to sort through. Maybe the crux of the issue is that now is the crossroads and I have to make the choices without knowing the end of the story. Kind of like writing that mid-term exam. No matter how much one studies, a good teacher always manages to throw in at least one zinger of a question that tests one's ability to apply the lessons taught in completely different circumstances under pressure. No familiar points of reference for comfort or guidance. Oi.

So just bits of flotsam and jetsam from the spiritual intersecting the mundane for finishing off this essay. On Monday, I think it was about mid-afternoon and yet all of a sudden I was wrapped in this rush of warm pink light (not right but I can't explain it any other way) shot through with golden threads. It felt like my soul was being hugged or that I was inside the middle of the most beautiful sunrise ever. I could feel my fingers flying across the keyboard and I was aware of the activity in the office, but none of it was "real". Only lasted for as long as I didn't realize it was out of the ordinary. Next up, this past week the face of one of the politicians I used to work with keeps showing itself in my mind. When we worked together, a decade or two ago that always meant he was working on something our committees were trying to accomplish - the building of our schools, our park - and I would hear from him shortly afterward. When he joined the provincial government, something changed his personality completely. The relationship ended completely when I wrote to ask him to account for the way he was voting on critical issues to do with families and quality of life. That happens with lots of relationships over time, but I couldn't even recognize him as the person I thought I knew. The other is the dichotomy between knowing in the ESP sense some things without question right now and yet, in other situations, feeling a blankness when I try to see further in time. That blankness is also absolute.

Try to check things astrologically or by vision quest? My friend the astrologer didn't give details but even he allowed that things were going to get much better after the turn of 2004 to 2005. Well the daily scopes say that things will go really well this month. Chance to take on a leadership role, acknowledgement by peers that I really did know what I was doing, a healthy increase in income, and even romance. Well I don't think there is a male out there with the patience and perceptiveness necessary to get through to me right now. I'm too scared of the repeating patterns at work to even be able to make any connections with people - male or female - in a social sense. Any thing else is beyond my comprehension. The money and leadership roles? Sure bring them on. Right now all I feel though is that I'm failing in every task I try to do. How does that compute? Peer recognition - yes at the wrong side of a weapon seems the likeliest scenario. Neptune is not a nice place right now.

Confused yet, dear diary? If not please explain it to me. It may be my midterm exam, but I have no idea how to make any of this make any sense. As in other instances, when I started feeling better today I did the only thing that helps me with stress - started cleaning house. Think I'll go do some more. Goodnight dear diary.

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