12:16 AM - 15.01.05
Intuition
I was thrown for a bit of a loop by an e-mail I received yesterday. It was from a website called "Bloggernity" inviting me to list my blog in their directory. I know that for a lot of bloggers the intent, in part, is to build a readership, but that was never really a thought for me until it was brought up in news articles about the phenomenon. Who'd a thunk. They said they had retrieved my email address from this site although the arrangement I have is to have anything that is sent to me rerouted by the Diaryland providers to my personal account. That doesn't happen very often, so I wasn't aware that anyone other than a couple of friends/ecorrespondents even visited me on your pages, dear diary. Maybe I'll email Diarylands' technical staff to see if they know what this group is about.
Good news - Steve Earle is coming to perform in our city in February and the tickets are even something I can afford. Can I get up enough nerve to go to a concert on my own? Other women do, so I suppose I should just get with the program - right? Here I am talking about taking off for Europe and parts East on my own without so much as a by your leave and I'm still hesitating over this step. Odd how the mind works isn't it? I guess it's one of those coded in the genes/culture things. I have family and friends who travel footloose and fancy free on a whim so that is ok, but I don't know anyone who just goes to a mass gathering of local citizens on their own so I don't. I thought I had completely eradicated that "herd instinct" from my persona a long time ago, but it ain't so is it? Guess I'd better tend to that. One of the books I ordered online on the advice of a good efriend with my gift certificate was "The Liquid Light of Sex". It sounds as though it is a "Passages" - transformational therapy tome, but coming from the perspective of an astrologer/Eastern mystic. That works double for me and maybe I can get some ideas for that next level of inner work to move forward from where I am now.
"Where I am now". Ah yes. I mentioned many posts ago that I was clearing toxic people/relationships from my life, because I've been feeling the approach of a major shift in my "reality" astrologically and intuitively thinking. In some ways the tsunami is symbolic of that for me and it may be one that fits for a lot of others for the ame reson. The gift is that I can see the wave coming from a long way off. That means that although I have no control over certain things being washed out of my reality forever, I do have some opportunity to think of where I want to be when that part is done. First order of business is to find "higher ground". What symbolizes that for me and how do I find it?
Well one of the areas in my life that is obviously toxic for me is the way my living is earned. I want to be a contributing member of our society and I do that in many ways - both paid and unwaged. I love a lot of the actual work I do but I loath the settings and circumstances I find myself in in order to achieve the results I get. Are there ways to salvage the work without having to remain immersed in the toxic wastes of corporate and bureaucratic structure? What about that overwhelming urge to write that I have and the topics I feel most passionate about. What about the need to study in more depth some of the spiritual and environmental issues that draw me to them and demand awareness beyond what I now am capable of providing. What about the work I want to do through the taining I've had with Elections Canada. The call from them before Christmas was on behalf of an international agency that wanted people to work on the Iraqi election - something I want to do very much. My response was cautious because I had just starte this new assignment and three months of no income was still weighing heavily on my mind. I couldn't justify walking away from several months of employment for a full time short time (three weeks) assignment with the voting. Maybe I should have said yes instead of maybe. I don't know.
Following intuitive urges is always a bit challenging because one tends to confuse wishful thinking with inner promptings. For example, when my supervisor first mentioned this current client as a project back in April I knew for certain I needed to work there. Then the election came and my superviosr deemed that other people had more qualifications for the assignment than I did. Obviously another level of fate was in operation because they kept being removed so space was made for me to be there. Ditto for my Elections tech - I knew he needed to be connected to my supervisor so they could work together but I had no understanding of the "whys". My tech asked me directly about that when he first started with the data management company and asked if that meant he needed to ask me how to proceed once the one connection was made. Nope. My only responsibility was to make it so that the connection occurred - what the two of them made of it between themselves after that was their decision.
Even though I've been at this assignment/placement for a month now I still am not clear about the "whys" for my presence. Doesn't matter - usually it is so I will be in a position to learn something ne that is critical to have to apply in another situation - sometimes many years down the road. I'm very comfortable with that because I have seen it operate in my life over and over again. The paradox is that ever since I heard about the Iraqi election I also "knew" it was meant that I be involved somehow. But how does one be in two physical realities at the same time. Yes I know about the Dalai Lama parallel dimension experience the other afternoon but that was with a very special being of a different order. How does it translate or transfer for this situation? The energy that is between me, my supervisor and my tech is still an issue too, there is something that tells me there is a reason for the three of us to be in the same time and place together for a purpose that is outside ourselves, but how does that work? I know "Be still and listen to that still, small voice within". I think that came from the Book of Numbers in the Bible, but it's been a while. I'll have to go look it up.
Work today? Same drill as yesterday. Other than when I retrieved more data from the file room or when I needed to look after physical needs I had my headphones on full blast keying away. The laptop crashed and burned just before lunch so I asked one of the staff techs for help. There was something inhibiting the proper operation of the power source and it had lost its charge. Ditto in the late afternoon so I asked the other tech for help since the first one wasn't around. He found the source of the problem but I will need to ask my supervisor for help to fix it since it is the data mangement's machine. The headphones thing today was making some of the permanent staff uneasy for some reason. I know for a lot of people someone sitting and working oblivious to what is going on around them is very disorienting. It doesn't fit the normal social interaction pattern in offices. They weren't offended as my coworker seemed to be just curious. At one point several of them clustered close to the workstation and tried to see if they could distract me from what I was doing with various antics. One of the "skills" I have from past interaction with six children of my own and countless hours in classrooms is to know when I have to deal with acting out behaviour and when it is better to ignore it. Today was the latter.
Anyway the kittens are being very naughty and acting out too, right now. In this case the mama needs to go feed and cosset her charges - then there's the dishes - I do not want to wake up and face them in the morning. So a demain, dear diary.
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