8:27 PM - 24.12.04
Amen
"And so this is Christmas..." sang John Lennon and Yoko Ono as my youngest and I wandered down the aisles of the grocery store a few days ago. There had been a series of "contemporary" "carols" before that that had made me wince - current and not so current music idols. My son remarked, as this one came on, that he liked the "old classics" better too. But - who was that singing it? Ouch. When I told him, he said, "Oh yeah I thought so" and then asked who the singer was of the next selection. He liked that one too. "Ummm - Elvis, son, Elvis Presley. He sang a lot of gospel music and his early work is among my favorite of that genre." "Oh right".
That came to mind as I was on the train trip home today. I had been feeling mightily sorry for myself earlier on. I actually enjoy working Christmas Eve because even the meanest co-workers usually lighten up a bit and give you a glimpse of what they could be like, if they chose to make the effort. Today wasn't quite like that though. The receptionist who has been hostile with me since the day I started cranked it up a bit more. Since the last project meeting, she now stops talking with whoever is in the room and just stares at me every time we cross paths. It seems to me that certain of the other staff are now uncomfortable around me and I can't help but think it is coming from her. Other than time outs to get coffee or to tend to physical necessities, all I do is work on the data - by myself with my headphones on.
Same thing today, but with a new twist. I was at the coffee station at my regular break, when she came by and asked everyone but me if they wanted pizza ordered in for them at lunch so that there could be a bit of an end of the Eve work social. She made a point of acting as though I wasn't in the room, looking at every point around me. I didn't even bother reacting. Don't like socials much, as you know, and I had hoped to leave earlier than scheduled by working through lunch anyway. It wasn't the action that bothered me, it was the intent to wound and isolate someone - me - in a very public way that did. I just wandered out of the coffee station as though I was thinking of other things and hadn't noticed anything. When everyone still on the floor disappeared into the boardroom just after noon, I finished what I was doing, packed everything away and headed out the door as I had planned to begin with.
Poker face. Learned it years ago, partly because when I was volunteering, it was one of the ways politicians would opt for punitive action against you when they didn't want to hear what you were presenting on behalf of a community group. For example, I was named for a community service award twice. The politician who handed out those awards, as representative of that level of government, refused to present it to me along with others who were also being recognized for their service. Of course, I did cost him at least a couple of juicy kickbacks in the process of representing my volunteer committee, so I guess he felt it was the least he could do in retaliation. When I finally did receive the plaque that was part of the award - I was called into the kitchen of the facility where the second ceremony was being held after he had left - it was damaged.
It was a favorite ploy of the boys' Dad and his Mom as well. Single one out by isolating or "centering out" someone in a very public gathering - you know like a wedding or a family gathering. Only defense was to appear not to have noticed the behaviour. That doesn't mean over acting the other way either. Just quietly holding one's face calm and continuing on with whatever was going on before. "Oh, did you say something?"
The other "poor me" came from the fact that I still have not received any money from Employment Insurance nor any confirmation on if, or when, it might be paid. My credit card has been maxed out from paying daily expenses - like food and bills - for the past two and a half months of no paid work. A tree, but no other shopping for gifts or treats. In some ways I have really felt freed by that - no resources - no pressure. Can't get blood from a stone, right? It does eat at you though when everyone you talk with chatters about their finds and forays for family and friends, their progress with preparations for Christmas, and enthuses about their exotic get aways for the next week or two. In the industry I'm in, the pay for most employees is pretty good and most are married to people in similar positions. I don't begrudge them in the pleasure they take in their access to abundance, but I'd like the same for my family. They are no less deserving. In fact, given what they have had to deal with as children, I think my guys deserve a break or two. A trip somewhere fun or to receive something nice just because they deserve it. Not to be, I guess. Right now the big pressure is just to find enough money to catch up on the bills. That would be good enough, I guess.
Then, as I was walking toward the bus, I kept seeing the regulars in the downtown core - the homeless, now counting in at about 2,600 - half of which are children. Why am I whining, and why am I not doing more to help? I make certain I purchase one of the pre-packed food packages our local grocery store offers at least once a month for the food bank. When I have any spare change in my pockets, I give it to one of the street vendors for their - the homeless community's - magazine. I know that helps them plead their case and explain what and why their lives have taken the turns they have. Sounds obvious, but unless there are words or discussion about a group made public, it is as though they don't exist - and to think I was upset about the receptionist. Seems pretty trivial when someone ignores you who doesn't deserve the time of day anyway, compared to a whole society acting as though you are invisible. Guess I'm pretty lucky after all. According to the Maslow scale, I have all the essentials for life - food, shelter and clothing. I also have family and friends, and you dear diary. I have a well functioning mind and a sort of healthy body - at least it's improving slowly, if not as quickly as I'd like. I have music and books.
Next, on the bus, a young teen climbed aboard with a woman who might have been his Mom. He was carrying a foamy and pillow covered with sheets. He had a black garbage bag clutched in the other hand. In it were all of his earthly possessions I think. A few ragged clothes and maybe some toiletries. There was a tension and a sadness between the woman and the boy. Had he run away? From her or to her? Was it a friend's child or the friend of one of her children? Was it just a youngster she had felt needed her tonight. I don't know, but it reminded me what was important about Christmas. Guess you had that figured out a while ago, didn't you dear diary?
So what is it that makes this time of year meaningful? Family and friends, if you are exceptionally blessed. If alone? The Story of the day, the music, the sounds, the smells - the peace that comes in that stillness of your soul when that realization sinks in and settles in your bones - as the saint once said. And amen.
�
�
