9:52 PM - 12.12.04
Dynamics
My aboriginal friend called a couple of days ago. She's in jail. She stole to feed her addictions and we both agreed that where she was was a good place for her right now. The restrictions on her freedom give her the opportunity - if she really wants it - to try and break free from the hold the drugs have on her. It also protects her from the danger that comes from dealing with the suppliers. There have been murders in this city for unpaid debts of $30. It doesn't take much to fall afoul of the drug dealers. Not that prison is much safer, but the structure, as my friend tells it, provides a sense of direction and security she can't find on the "outside". She knows the rules and the consequences of her actions in there.
Removed from her birth family when she was about a year old, because of violence in the home, she was sent from foster placement to foster placement in between attempts to reunite her with her own family. She always had to be removed for her own safety. There are some very good foster families out there, but there are also a lot that are just in it for the money or power it brings. Sometimes the abuse in foster homes is as bad as in the original family and much more dangerous since it is rare for anyone in authority to believe a child's story - at least not until it is too late. In Canada 75% of children in the system end up on the street by the time they are 14 because "it is better than what they were experiencing in the system". In a country where there are six months of winter and where the cold can be deadly, that is quite a statement isn't it? My friend started running away from her placements when she was about 10. She was in group homes and reform school after that. She still breaks down when she tells some of the stories about that time when the abuse was racheted up even more. The scars all over her body speak of life threatening injuries that were inflicted on her and that were self induced. The drugs offer an escape from the memories, the despair and the anger that comes when she considers how little her worth was deemed by our society - not even enough so she had enough to eat, let alone a safe place to live. Now at the other end of her life, society is finally willing to pay about $80,000 per year to keep her in jail. I think if the anti-abortionists really did care about the "sanctity of life" they would insist that all children be valued from birth to adulthood, ensuring that their basic needs for health, education, safety and personal integrity were consistently met regardless of their race, faith, or family income. Hmmmmm, the silence is deafening.
I imagine there are a lot of people who would write her off as incorrigible and it is a struggle at times not to agree. There are times when I've had to avoid any contact with her, because anything I offered would have been seen as a validation for the behaviours she was engaging in - enabling or co-dependent I think are the buzzwords. So why even try? Well, as I've mentioned before dear diary, when my sons' father was getting more tied up and violent because of his addictions, it was this friend - and only this friend - who was there for me. She not only listened to what I had to say about the abuse, she also understood what it meant and how it felt. She'd been that route many times. Her advice in dealing with my ex's behaviour likely saved mine and the boys lives more than once. Those seven lives are a gift she provided to me and my family. I know that she has helped numerous other women dealing with similar situations, because she would often call and ask for an opinion or an idea of a resource that might help in a given circumstance. She just can't seem to find a way to do the same thing for herself. I believe she thinks she just isn't worth it. Why? Because those services she provided were to those people who were already written off by the larger community. She has served and protected our society in ways that are numerous, but will likely never be acknowledged. In every faith system I have studied the counsel is to never give up - to always hope that that one lost lamb can be brought back, that the door is never closed. Certainly when I think of the parables and who Jesus talked and walked with it was evident he chose by his behaviour to underline that teaching. So is Christmas about conspicuous consumption - a term that once meant tuberculosis, in the days of our grandparents, by the way - and exclusion based on faith, race, wealth or any other identifiable feature? I mean come on He even dined with the taxmen and He healed the child of the Centurion - the invader and oppressor of his own country. He forgave the pentinent thief while they shared their last breaths of life. End of rant.
The birthday party today? The boys all turned up, some with spouse or children. Things went relatively well. Extended family gatherings can be tricky with the "Core" family grouping expanding as more people are added to the mix. I've watched that happen among me and my sibs. Now I'm watching it from the perspective of a parent. Those slight differences in values and expectations that each ne person brings to the mix can really spice things up or it can heat things up - sometimes both at the same time. From thinking of my experiences with my sibs and me, I think that the least said or done when differences arise the better for the most part. Nothing major at this point in time - just seasonal jitters brought on by too much to do with too little time or money to accomplish everything - but a bit of a lesson anyway.
The boys' Dad? Well no one could track him down after my youngest spoke with him last night, so a voicemail was left. He didn't return home last night according to the son who lives with him. He finally called my youngest at about 4:30 pm today "to reschedule" because he had gotten busy with other things and just "forgot". Lucky we didn't scramble to accommodate his wishes as we had in the past, isn't it dear diary. I'd still be trying to workout a party time that worked for everyone.
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