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1:14 AM - 12.12.04
Perception
I met one of the other long-time single moms from my community on the train a couple of mornings ago. We were just catching up on news of each others' families. Our children are all now either older teens or young adults. We both just started new jobs after fairly long stretches of unemployment and were commiserating with each other about the strain of trying to just get back on our feet financially. I nodded and noted that I was grateful to be working again, but it would be a while before I was in the clear. My credit card is just about maxed out, but at least I had one to fall back on. I commented that I was really grateful my guys were older now and could understand why birthday and Christmas gifts would be delayed and minimal. When they were younger they were always troopers about it, but it's hard to be in school and constantly around activities that do nothing but emphasize the material excesses of the season.

It's easy for other people to say that that's not what the celebration is about and so the gifting isn't important, but it's like putting a child in the middle of a candy store and telling them that they can only watch while every one else is free to have access to their choice of treats. Not only that, they are supposed to be happy for everyone else's good fortune and also to be thankful that they were granted the privilege of even being in the store to begin with. Sure.

The other mom nodded and allowed that she hated Christmas. Her comment was a bit of a jolt, because she is deeply immersed in the activities of her church and seems to enjoy it. She continued that line of discussion with similar thoughts expressed out loud to what I had been thinking. Merry X-mass - mass marketing and mass hysteria - baby.

Christmas often feels like just another punishment these days, unless one can pass the material "means" test the permits inclusion. The Spirit part of the season is lost for most. I went home after doing my errands and watched White Christmas and the original How the Grinch Stole Christmas movie just trying to reconnect and rekindle that aspect of the season. I thought I was doing okay because having older children means less pressure, but I had one of those meltdown moments today. It is my youngest son's 17th birthday today. We had called all his brothers and arranged to have a joint celebration for him and number one son tomorrow - on Sunday - when most of the family is free to come. I asked that everyone come during the afternoon so that no one has to roll out of bed too early and so that no one has to drive home late in what can be dangerous driving conditions this time of year. There were white out conditions this morning, for example. All the arrangements were scheduled around that time. I called my one son who lives with his Dad three days ago, when everything was firmed up with number one son, with respect to timing. No problem.

This afternoon the boys' Dad called my youngest and said he wanted to take him out for his birthday. Good thing - many years he didn't. Next up he told my youngest he would pick him up at noon on Sunday and bring him home around 6 pm. He had found out when I had planned the gathering of the boys. It seemed to me he also tried to create as much miscommunication and chaos as he could by calling one of the other boys and telling them a different time for the party - Sunday evening. It is a pattern of behaviour he engaged in constantly during the time we were married and every opportunity he could find for several years after. When he couldn't avoid being on time and having me present at a function, he would create a scene at whatever gathering it was that was always totally humiliating. It's one of the reasons I still find going to parties and social gatherings so difficult. All those ghosts - and yes I know it isn't rational, thank you very much.

Anyway, I heard about the "Plan" shortly after my youngest got off the phone. My son really hadn't realized that it conflicted with what had already been arranged until I reacted - a lot more strongly than I would normally. I think at that point, my nerves just finally had been jangled one too many times. No work, no money, no way to speed up the government process for either schooling or Employment Insurance. A new assignment that has already morphed several times and where there are a lot of undercurrents that I can't interpret. That one more thing was just enough to send me into a storm of tears. I hate that. The problem with the boy's Dad is that he knows all my buttons and when and how to most effectively attack. For the past few years there has been no opportunity for him to insinuate himself into my life and I guess I had let go of the defenses I had built in order to cope with what used to be constant ambushes.

Pulled myself together and apologized to my youngest for my bad behaviour, then set about repairing the damage the boys' Dad seemed to be trying to create. I think I'm alright now. Like my friend on the bus, I will be very glad when this month is over.

Once I had dealt with that I did a couple of things to help burn off some of the angst. Called my sister's sister in law to get an update about her progress with finding work and finding her feet back in Canada. All her news was good and she reported a lot of progress in her own research. She has a couple of meetings set up around volunteer and paid work. A lot of her clients have purchased gift certificates for their friends for her astrological charts so she's starting to be able to breathe a bit financially. I told her about the What the Bleep conference in California in February Workshop and the retreat in Sedona in May. They had had one conference in Bath England last September with some of the mystics and scientists I most enjoy reading and I regretted not having a way to attend. Don't think this one will be possible either, but at least I can be there in spirit - right? She had wanted to find a group who did meditation chanting. I had found a contact for her, so I hope that gets her into a group of people who can make her feel at home and welcome in this city. The other stress buster was cleaning more of the house. Got one and a half closets swabbed out and washed curtains, blankets and the serious winter gear. I hadn't really worried about that stuff until now, but my instincts are saying that we are due for a major storm shortly. The last means of finding the zen again was just looking at news today. I guess our University's engineering students are going to compete for the first time in the solar powered car race that has been a major event in the US. This year the race will start in Austin, Texas and end on July 27 right here in Calgary. They'll just miss the Calgary Stampede, but they'll also have decent driving conditions guaranteed being mid-summer - maybe. That's it for tonight though - have to put back all the stuff I cleaned up today before company arrives. Good night dear diary.

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