2:42 PM - 17.10.04
Intuition
I meant to spend the day sending out resumes. Never managed it. I'm not sure why, but the sense of despair that filled the hours was just too overwhelming. It was one of those days where you question every choice and decision you've ever made, wondering how you could have been so wrong. Was I so wrong? Don't know. The problem is partly that one expects things to be fair and balanced. That old Protestant ethic thing you know - work hard and do the right thing and you will be rewarded. Right. As an adult I know that's not true at all, but it's so deeply embedded in the psyche from the programming when I was defenseless as a child in church, that it is nearly impossible to erase from my subconscious.
The other part of the angst is from yesterday. It seemed I could hear the brother of the liaison talking and writing about me all day yesterday. I can't imagine that I warrant that much energy invested by him, but he was obsessive compulsive about anything he undertook, even the minutia. Maybe more questioning of my departure occurred than was mentioned to my supervisor, although in the industry I work in consultants presence or absence is rarely noted. On the evening when he yelled at me what really triggered an escalation in the brother's anger was the notes I showed him that I had taken when he called from the hospital. His comment was that he had his own notes independent of mine - you know. It sounded like a threat, but it was just one of many things said that felt that way. Truth was he always was asking me for my notes whenever there was a need to refer back to any previous days' work. Whenever data needed to be provided to the sister it was always me having to set up the spreadsheets, filling in the data. He would later make them esthetic then submit them through his account, but that doesn't mean he added any substance to them at all.
When my supervisor called me on Thursday, he noted that the liaison said that she would have liked to work it out so that I would reconcile with the company, but there are too many things that happened in that last week for me to feel safe returning. The upshot was that the contract that was never signed between the two companies was cancelled, but my supervisor did acknowledge remembering that the liaison had said in September that she intended to shorten the length of the term so that she could bring the staff from the company taken over mid-October. She reiterated that comment at their meeting last week, so I still believe that it was intended that I leave with the onus of the cancellation being placed on me rather than the real reasons. Again the behaviour is almost identical to that I dealt with in the first contract. October must hold some significance for her that way, I think.
My supervisor said that he still had not firmed up any other contracts, so basically I'm on my own again. That's the point where I think I started questioning my choices. I have been sending out resumes in the past month, but only for those jobs that I really want. I guess I should have been less picky, but I thought I had a bit more time to work with. I was also hoping that my supervisor would have something in place, so I could stay on working with him. Not to be I guess. I have found a few things that would work for me so I guess I'll get busy with that tomorrow. I just couldn't find enough self-confidence today to even try writing cover letters let alone rewrite the resume to address the requirements in each of those ads.
I did resume my exercise routine today though - stairs and belly dance. I'll add the yoga in a day or two. I had let the dancing slip a bit, but it felt good to be moving again. The cats love to watch - well yes they are crazy, but look who they have for an owner. The only other time they will all sit still is when my youngest and I are reading together - they love story time too. Maybe I'll start incorporating the zils with the dance and see what that does for them. Right now they like to slip in when I'm doing the stretches to lick the sweat off my face. I guess they need the extra salt.
With my chiropractor out of the country I am going to have to be careful how far I push things though. He does have a partner who would see me if I need it but, as you've probably noticed, I have real issues around being touched. My chiropractor is one of very few males who I feel safe enough around to allow him to touch me. The fact that he can relieve pain so effectively has a lot to do with it I think. A picture of him flashed through my mind early Saturday and I guessed he was likely in London doing his touring in the 12 hours they were to be there. Maybe he was at the Globe Theater or the British Museum looking at the Egyptian room or the Domesday book. Something that would really appeal to me. Don't know.
The other flashes of people yesterday came from my supervisor - I could see him doing a lot of writing too - something I don't believe he really enjoys all that much. He does it well, but it is very lawyerish - colourless and dry, but very precise. The other flash was of the liaison that I worked with in 2001 when my supervisor first came in to the company. That one came out of nowhere and seemed to involve both work and leisure activities. Some sort of planning for the next phase of a project he has been working on. A break in the barriers about to be realized I think - Cancers are due for that I think. The other part seemed to be where he was out dancing somewhere - maybe he has a new partner. Don't know and I also don't know why I was tuned in to all that either. Ghost ears maybe. The story of my ghosts. I was too dispirited (pun intended) today to work on it it so a demain dear diary.
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