1:59 AM - 10.10.04
Breathing
I`ve slept for three days solid with only breaks for looking after cats and sons. The house is a mess but I feel too overwhelmed yet to try to get much of that done. I guess even I didn`t realize how run down I`d gotten.
Ms Kitty`s little Snowball went AWOL this evening and a sense of panic set in for a while. It`s dumb what can make you feel overwhelmed but I guess I`ve been running on empty for too long. No reserves of calm left really. The two boys still at home were helping looking in every unlikely place after we had tried all the reasonable ones. Finally I reached up into the shelf half way up the closet and there she was sound asleep. She obviously wondering what all the fuss was about. We think Ms Kitty must have hidden her there because she never showed any signs of distress or worry - just an amused sniff at us every so often as we searched.
One of the writers for one of the e-zines I get commented that finding three orphan kittens was enough of an incentive to get his wife to move on to a farm in order to keep them even though she had been unwilling before. I`d love to be able to move out of town and have a little place of my own nearer the mountains. Out of the city. Still need to buy a lottery tiket I guess and keep praying that something will finally work out.
Panic still about the work situation is what is really running me down I think - that and not hearing anything from my supervisor. The worker from the election who is now a potential walking partner suggested that maybe they just want me to coll down enough so that I can go back in a week, but I doubt it. Besides I DO NOT want to go back there. The Pluto lesson has been absorbed - people who put you in the way of harm or cause harm are never going to change. The abuse won`t stop and experience says it will only increase over time. Not any more for me thanks. Some people just can`t be redeemed I think.
The walking partner was talking about other things we could do together and that is fine. I`m not one though who can cope with a smothering relationship and that is what this is starting to feel like. I don`t spend hours on the phone talking and that seems to be something she needs. The questions she is asking are becoming too personal too. When I said I would not go to a ballroom dance class with her because I have no desire to dance with men who I know nothing about she asked me if I was gay. What is wrong with people, these days? I`ve made it clear to her that I survived a very bad marriage and am really gun shy about men but it must be obvious to people that one doesn`t have six babies unless one enjoys the physical side of a relationship with a male. Why do people assume that if one isn`t climbing into bed with a male it means that there must be a partner of the same gender. Doesn`t anyone in this world think beyond their gonads. Sewers for brains - that`s what a lot of people seem to have these days.
Right now books and music are much more appealing than other people`s company. I just can`t deal with the stupidity and shallowness right now. At least if things get stupid in a book you can close it or give it away to someone who might find something of use in it. Same person was giving me a hard time because I noted I get enough social stimulation from the people I correspond with on-line. The reason being that they are people I started chatting with around special interests I have. Ones that are rarely found in the population I`m usually forced to deal with. Why would I go elsewhere when I can feel content with the discussions I have that way. "Well they`re probably all perverts and murderers" So who asked the question about my sexual preferences after very few conversations? It certainly wasn`t any of my online friends. I pointed out it was Ann Landers who once commented that small-minded people talk about others, more educated people talk about things and wise people talk about ideas (and values) those are the people that I want in my life. Ok enough of the ranting. Waste of time isn`t it and I shouldn`t be so thin skinned. Breathe through your heels Grasshopper. Wish I understood how to do that.
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