10:05 AM - 21.08.04
Balance
I did something really odd for me. It feels bad and liberating at the same time, but most people likely wouldn`t even be fussed about it. You see being the oldest of five children I was always taught to share and be helpful. Those are good things right? Yes they are - especially when those choices are what generated attention and approval from the adults in one`s life. Sets a pattern of behaviour that extends on in one`s life.
Problem is if one doesn`t learn to discern when other people outside that inner circle of your life are taking advantage of those traits, then one becomes an easy target for people who exploit or think that everyone one owes them. There have been periods in my life that it seemed that was all that was in my social circle. That was especially so when I was an at home mom volunteering in the community. I became very successful at advocating effectively for things that mattered to me. It drew a lot of really interesting individuals into my life that I would never had the opportunity to meet and learn from otherwise. However, it also drew even more people into my life that were um, scavangers, parasites, what have you. Those who saw a chance to get things for themselves by exploiting their association with the volunteer work that the first group of people and I were involved in.
It took a long time for me to realize that was the only reason some people were there. There was the woman who stole from the playschool funds, the wanna be politicians, the wanna be power brokers, the schmoozers who thought the name of the group on their resume would get them a better job even when they contributed nothing and the worst were the one who just wanted the image of the group to hide behind while they carried out agendas that had nothing to do with building our community or improving the quality of life activities that were the focus of our efforts.
It has taken even longer for me to learn how to say no or to stop that behaviour. At first I tried to negotiate or compromise so everyone would take something of value away from their experiences - I didn`t realize that some of the people wanted nothing other than to take all or to destroy the group or activity if that wasn`t possible. I found, over time that the only way to deal with such people was to make it very apparent what the person, or people involved were truly after. That one is very difficult because after one figures it out oneself one has to let the scene play out, as it were, so everyone else could perceive the same thing.
What I hadn`t learned up until my ex left was how to protect and remove people like that from my life. When the ex left there was an inrush of vultures just waiting to exploit the perceived "void" left in my life. Very few people actually knew how bad my marriage was nor how relieved I was that he was gone. Their usual ploy of "I`m doing this because I want to help or because I love you" was neutralized because they were appeling to emeotional wounds that didn`t exist for me. The behaviour became so transparent that I found my only reaction to such people was outrage that they would try to exploit my sons and my vulnerability for their own profit or gain. There were two church groups who tried to force themselves into my home "to save us from a life of single parenthood and crime" interesting linkage don`t you think. All any of them wanted was bragging rights that their congregation was bigger than that congregation. I think they missed the part in the Bible where it says (paraphrased) wherever two of you are gathered in my name, there am I. Crowds are necessary for football games and parades, baby, not for worship. Bigger does not mean better or righter either.
There were the people who felt that the lack of an adult male in the home meant they could take over and exert control, men who saw themselves as selfless heroes for rescuing my sons and me from myself and women who felt they would transform my obviously flawed self into a femme fatale who could get a man. I didn`t see my situation that way and I wasn`t about to let them impose their projections or stereotypes about "how the world should work" onto me and my family. I`d already done the happy housewife gig and it sucked. Why would I go back to that to make someone else`s fantasies real at the expense of my needs or my children`s welfare. You see the price for making their visions reality was always the sublimation of our welfare in one way or another.
The third big group of parasites were the one who were certain that my desperation to find a way to support my sons and I would make me vulnerable to all the get rich quick schemes that put lots of cash in their pockets while putting us even deeper in the hole. Because I`d spent a lot of time helping other single moms long before my marriage broke down I recognized those ones before their shadows hit the door. There were the men who lived off women who went on welfare "until they could get on their feet" when their marriage broke down. Those bottom feeders trolled the subsidized housing units moving from one shattered female to another - none of the women realizing it wasn`t them it was him who was the problem. There were the "let me show you how to make a million dollars selling this .......". You pay me 80% of what you earn and I`ll let you keep the rest. Then there were the ones who just wanted you to pay them so you could say you worked for them. Uh huh.
Anyway what I did the other day that I hadn`t learned to do before was to say No! to someone and put it in writing. They wanted me to work for them without compensation, "because we care about you and we`re worried about your mental health". My mental health would be at greater risk if I allowed myself to be sucked into that one again wouldn`t it dear diary. In the past I`ve always dealt with that type of approach by someone by avoiding them or just putting them off. That training of always being kind and trying not to hurt someone`s feelings is sometimes a vulnerability too. I`ve finally realized that I have equal right to my feelings being respected and my needs met along with the right to be assertive, or bitchy about it if that is the only thing the other people can understand.
There is a solar/lunar eclipse pairing coming up in October that echoes events that happened in my life in 1986 (Lunar - Taurus) and 1996 (Solar - Libra). In both of those years my whole circle of friends and acquaintances changed dramatically without conscious choice and I started in two new phases of my life that were entirely unknown to me before and which were major adventures in learning. I`ve been withdrawing from a lot of the people I used to hang out with for a few years now. I`ve promised myself that by my nest birthday the only people who will be in my life, other than work mates where I can`t control hiring, are those who make me feel good about who I am and those who actually share my interests as they are. This time when that circle of people changes, I will be deciding who the "keepers" are. Saying no to some people directly is new to me but I think I can manage it although it was something I was taught was bad when I was small. I deserve to be happy in my personal relationships. Right dear diary?
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