5:33 p.m. - 2004-08-09
Nightmares
I woke up this morning to disco on the radio. How could they? Stood up and realized that I wasn't going to be going into worktoday. Why? Well not only was the room spinning, but my tummy was letting me know that getting on a bus was going to bring retribution - upchuck r us. Couldn't even make it to the radio to shut the darn thing off. About half an hour later I was able to get to the phone so I could call in sick then fell back to sleep until the early afternoon.
Where did that come from? Well at the grocery store yesterday I started to feel ill while waiting at the checkout. They were playing disco too - what's up with that? - and I hadn't eaten yet so I thought it was just my body letting me know how it felt about being in among all that food when it was being deprived. Two strikes.
Some of our adult cats haven't taken too kindly to the new kittens either and they have been making their feelings known by spraying - really stinky that is. Spent the day cleaning that mess up so it could have something to do with that as well. Don't know.
Could be partly psychological too I guess. After I had written my report and sent it off to my supervisor, I realized that a lot of what I was discussing pointed to some deception of some sort. Nothing new, but this time there are several threads of lies and I can't tell what is going on. Makes me sick to my stomach too, because it is too easy to be co-opted or compromised when you don't know who is doing what. The one thing I can't handle is someone lying to me. Whenever I've realized that that has been going on my first response has always been to terminate the relationship immediately with no further contact ever. Why? Because if someone or some organization can't even tell you the truth there is no relationship, there is only an illusion. Given there has been too much of that in the past few months because of the election and international affairs I've already reached overload.
At one point while I was writing that report, I thought I could hear a gavel being smacked on a wooden table and I heard the words "sold to the highest bidder". There was an internal response of a great struggle to break free and run somewhere in my being. Not physical but it was quite painful and I could hear a scream of protest somewhere within. It was as though a decision had been made somewhere that meant I was to be given away to the highest bidder against my will. Didn't help that I'd picked up an earworm at the grocery store that kept playing over and over either. Insensitive by Jann Arden. It's a good song but a hurting one too. Could also be though that being sick has brought on nightmares - waking ones at that. Sometimes when one is ill everything seems to be visible only through negativity. Right now I can't tell which is driving which. Guess I'd better go back to bed.
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