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7:38 p.m. - 2004-08-03
Surrender
You know what it's like when you've tried for a long time to make something work and finally accept that it never will? Had one of those little epiphanies today dear diary. I've been talking about the place that I've worked in twice, that I didn't want to go back to. My supervisor said he wanted me to go back there today, because everything has changed. We met downstairs about an hour and a half after I usually start my work day.

We were supposed to meet the liaison 15 minutes later upstairs. He handed me the agreements first and asked me to read through them. I said I didn't want to go back into the same conditions again and that I didn't want to do an entry level contract, especially not for the length of time noted. It's not that I think I'm above doing that work - after all I empty out several stinky litter boxes a day and I changed poopy diapers for about a fifteen years while my guys were growing up, but after a decade in the industry and the type of work I've done and the age I'm at, I just don't want to feel like I'm going back to square one again. I've paid my dues many times over. At the same time work is work and I should just be grateful for a job right? Especially after the year I had last year. However, when you send in a resume and it seems to show you going backward instead of at least staying the same if not progressing, what does that say to potential employers? Ten years from now I do not want to be in the same rut, but that's how it feels my supervisor is viewing me. "Not too bright but she's a real little trooper - can go through a mound of filing in no time". Yuh huh. The proof of the pudding is in the tasting and the proof of the way someone places value on you is in where they think you fit in a work situation.

When I said my piece, my supervisor said "but this is different - entry level work but learning a new technology - maybe I'd even become good enough that I could supervise a couple of other people someday". Really? Oh gosh, after just recruiting, training and supervising over 60 FTE office staff, 80 field staff and 500 polling day staff for the third election in seven years each of those people doing significantly more complex tasks, boy that's really umm a vote of confidence, isn't it. Besides, if that was a technology that I thought was useful fine, but what I'm being told I'm going to learn to do sounds just like learning to use a fax machine. Sure one dials a different number each time and sends different documents with a different amount of pages, but so what? How does that make you more employable. For new skill sets to matter they have to be meaningful and in demand by employers. Anyway I agreed to try the "new" conditions out. "Trust me" Right - I think I've heard that one before.

Got upstairs and the receptionist called up to the liaison's office - go right up! Got upstairs and found her office empty. Looked around until a male in the library said that the liaison was away from the office and he would deal with us. Fine, things happen. He pointed to the same table I had last time and reluctantly said he guessed I could use that space - 3' by 4' - to do my work. Still no phone, no place to store anything, and right in the middle of an open area where I can't breathe without having an audience. Well were's this fabulous technology? Oh well didn't you know? It's not set up yet and besides there's all these documents to sort and file first - cartloads of them. Right - different all right. Well ok one thing is different - the people who caused the mess then and for this paperwork are both assigned to other work now. That is good I guess, but why weren't they made to clean up their mess?

Yes I know dear diary I need the work because I have bills to pay - my mantra du jour, breathe in, breathe out grasshopper. Next up, turns out the male is, according to the library co-ordinator, the brother of the liaison. It was obvious after watching him for a while, that even though he was working on the records he was having difficulty even finding basic information. No big deal, everyone has to learn sometime right?

Then the person who would be teaching the use of "the brand new technology" came in after the liaison returned and the three of them went into a huddle at the back of the library. It was obvious that there was a relationship between the teacher and the brother and it is hard not to assume that there never was any intention of having me take the lead on that work. I was told about the training after all the decisions had been made without me and invited to watch.

I suspect that might have been because I had been sitting at my table, trying to sort an impossibly large pile of paperwork on that tiny space, my headphones on real loud, trying not to let the tears leak onto my face. Yup 10:30 in the am at work in a wide open library with all sorts of people walking by and I can't even stop myself from crying. Mad, betrayed, hurt I couldn't even say which. Have I ever mentioned that I will do anything so as not to cry in front of anyone? My ex used to inflict severe punishment for showing sadness and I stil get really afraid when I cry. But there I was.

Couldn't stop either by lunch time. Went into the kitchen to grab some water and found people I knew there, so I turned around and left - I'm not crying in front of them. I hate this! So out I went, tears leaking out of the corners of my eyes every so often. Decided that if I climbed up the escarpment of Center Street hill they'd stop. And they did. When I reached the crest of the hill they did - mostly because my choices were either breathe or cry. I was calmer by the time I got back into the building an hour later. The co-worker who had told me about the brother came by to ask how I was doing, because she knew I was upset. I told her I didn't think I'd be staying, but that I hadn't decided yet. Managed to get through the afternoon with some dignity, mostly because I was working in the stacks, but the leaking started again as soon as I got on the train. Hasn't stopped yet.

My friend the astrologer was absolutely right - again. I'm trying to recall something good he said but I have a bit of a block there at the moment. I think I give up.

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