11:25 p.m. - 2004-02-02
Learning Curves
More birthdays of cool Aquarius' - Phil Collins, Rosa Parks, and Graham Nash.
There were some instructive articles in one of the e-zines I read today. It appears that Saudi Arabia is attempting to build a wall between itself and it's neighbour to the south - Yemen. There are threats of military action by Yemeni's if the Saudis proceed. It's always difficult to second guess the value of such concrete divisions (pun intended) between communities. There have been extended civil wars among the tribes that make up the population of Yemen. Kidnapping is a regular occurrence for the same reason that guerillas in South America do it - it funds their activities. But also, there is a huge pool of oil/ gas that straddles the disputed political boundaries that is also a an area of conflict between the two countries. There is also the issue of illegal immigrants that pour into Saudi Arabia with the hope of a better life for their families. Are the borders too difficult to patrol without a physical barrier? Hard to say, but what is obvious is that there really doesn't need to be another match lit in that already volatile region.
Better was the story about Lebanon returning all the funds that the last regime in Iraq deposited in their banks before the last Gulf War. More worrisome for Iraqis is the fact that Syria is disputing the amount of money it received from the last Iraqi regime - reducing the estimate by about 90%. The Syrian government doesn't appear to be disposed to return any of it. MiddleWays
In a lot of ways the citizens of Iraq are like the survivors of domestic violence. Survivors of domestic violence are extremely vulnerable to the type of people or organizations that look for those who can't defend themselves. An abusive spouse will have gone out of their way to ensure their partner has no support networks to turn to and will often try to portray their victims as authors of their own misfortune. They beat their spouse because they "asked for it". The abuser has usually also ensured that the survivor has minimal material resources so that they can create a life separate from them. Active destruction of property is quite common, as is removal of any access to financial entitlements. Psychologically, the abuser uses the circumstances they created with intent that were mentioned above to "prove" that no one else will ever care about the survivor or accept them as a human being. Isolation and deprivation of basic needs, built onto the constant fear inflicted on them.
Often there are whole segments of their community who emerge from the woodwork to tell survivors how they should conduct their affairs once they have been able to escape the abuser: churches, social workers, educators, family, the media, and politicians. Most of these groups will never acknowledge that they will never have to deal with the consequences or fallout of following that advice themselves - armchair quarterbacks. When things go awry - because the advice doesn't fit the resources or needs of the survivor - the survivor is blamed even though the damage was a result of following the advice of the "experts" to begin with. Too many of the "experts" have no comprehension of the Cycle of Violence or how it affects every aspect of a survivors'responses to the outside world for years after. Think of Rosa Parks when she asserted her right to personal autonomy. Think of the consequences that came from that single action. Who paid the price for her courage to claim her place as a human being.
Think of how traumatized someone is after a break-in or a car accident, even if there is no injury - single incidents with no real further threat of recurrence. Now think of someone who lives with that burglar in their home and/or the drunk driver, constantly being forced to re-enact those traumas in varying scenarios for years - that is what the trauma of domestic violence is like. Although well intended (well sometimes), the "advice" causes additional harm, both because it requires resources that the survivor doesn't have and also because it is based of the advisors' view of what is best for them, rather than what is best for the survivor.
After a long period of battering or bullying, it is likely that the survivor doesn't even have the coping mechanisms to deal with all the additional new pressure/information from outside sources - they've had to unlearn those to survive the abuser to begin with. The outside "experts" feel no different than the abuser themselves to the survivor, and often the "experts" insistence on compliance with the witholding of emotional support or physical resources they control as an incentive, is substantively no different than the behaviour of the abuser.
The best care for someone who has left a violent relationship is first to give them the time, space, and respect necessary to heal from the damage that has been inflicted. For them to learn to re-enter society, requires that their ability to have and assert their own sense of autonomy is rebuilt. They have to unlearn all the survival techniques that allowed them to cope with the abuse they received, because those same techniques applied in "regular" social situations can appear to be dysfunctional. Think how frightening that alone would be to you - to give up the one behaviour or cluster of behaviours that helped your family thrive in your community - like working for a living, for example. Refugees from areas of the world have similar coping mechanisms that simply can't be used in our societies, but they see them as the only reason they survived long enough to escape the civil wars that they were fleeing. It creates a tremendous conflict in them when they find themselves in unfamiliar or threatening (to them) circumstances. The first response will always be to revert to what saved their lives in the first place, yet to be accepted as part of the new community means, in their experience and their thoughts, risking their lives. Trust is not something that even comes into their thoughts because it is the most dangerous human interaction there is to them.
Instructive articles in that e-zine. Hmmmmmmm.
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