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11:57 p.m. - 2004-01-17
Basic Needs
Did a bit of surfing through some of my e-zines today. The most interesting sites had to do with environmental action groups. One of the biggest issues is access to clean water, or any water, in some countries. I don't understand how any government - which by definition is supposed to be a steward of a community's essential resources - can "privatize" that resource. Yes, charge for the facilities to deliver it to where their citizens can have access and, even better, ensure that it is clean, but to deny any access at all, unless cash is paid upfront is as loathsome as issuing an oxygen tank to each person, legislating that they may only breathe that allotment and that they must pay in advance for refills. The Earth Justice site is offering a really talent packed CD as a fund raiser. Earth_Justice I like the site because it is well researched and the set up seems very similar to Amnesty International. They promote the use of non-violent, but persistent means to expose abusers of the environment while offering practical help for those who want to be effectively pro-active either locally or globally. The second site is an international coalition called Peoples World Water Forum which appears to be more about generating active discussion about how and why this resource should be cared for. A lot of solid research appears to have been done and is readily available to read and assess. Water Hmmmm. Uranus is just moving into Pisces for a 7 year stint. Couldn't be better timing, I think.

My sons arrived back home after their evening of "bonding" at the bar. However, according to their accounts, their Dad was up to his old tricks - only now they are the targets, this incident being only one of several lately. When we would go anywhere in public he would always find some way to totally humiliate me, usually by creating some kind of scene or drama. Think of a two year old throwing a temper tantrum, whether directed at you or just to be the center of attention, wherever they are. It got to the point where I refused to go anywhere in public with him. I think that was what he intended anyway.

For important events - you know like a family wedding - he would ensure that something I had prepared to wear or something I had spent hours on preparing for him or the boys would be damaged at the last minute. Given that there was no money available for our clothes in the first place - most of what the boys and I had was second hand, recycled if you please, because we "didn't deserve anything new" - that left me scrambling to pull together something that would at least be presentable. When we invariably arrived late, it was my fault, of course, even though he would lock himself in the bathroom, another barrier to the rest of us getting ready, until it was past time to leave anyway. Of course, over time I learned to tell him that a function was an hour earlier than it really was and I kept back ups for clothing whenever there was enough to do so.

The other trick he would pull was to not tell me about a family or friends' function, for example a camping weekend, until he arrived home late after work on Friday telling me I had half an hour to prepare six little boys and all the supplies for it. When I arrived, showing very high levels of stress or if I refused to go, then again I was either acting uppity or denying my guys the pleasure of an outing. The one thing I can say about him was he was endlessly creative about the way he would set me up to fail.

I felt defenseless against his constant assaults - he seemed to be able to twist any reaction I showed to reflect on me negatively. I was being selfish, hysterical, unco-operative - whatever. After a while, I learned to show no emotion or even awareness that there was an issue. If there is no "boundary", then there is no way to violate it is there? The cost to my health of that kind of emotional suppression was high. The good thing though, was that I developed one of the best poker faces going, when our volunteer groups faced politicians or opponents to some of our projects. All the shouting and verbal abuse we got for asking for schools and parks for our children didn't seem to phase me one bit. Scared the politicians especially, I think they thought I must have an ace up my sleeve that would cause them harm in public. Never did mind you, I always said what I meant and meant what I said. Nothing was hidden, I always did my research before I spoke out.

Anyway, it appears from what little the boys would tell me, that their Dad chose to humiliate number five son at the sports bar - which is owned by one of his "buddies" - ruining the whole purpose of the evening, which was to celebrate his birthday. Accused him of being a "drama queen" for reacting with hurt. From comments made he seems to have caused a shouting match about it between himself and a couple of the boys who were trying to defend their brother. The only good thing, if there is such a result possible, is that the boys are starting to understand why I did things the way I did and why the marriage ended. My oldest son asked if it was ok if he asked outside witnesses to verify what went on where my ex and his Mom's team harrassment of different family members was concerned, since that is also starting to crop up again. I have no problem with that. I told him I wouldn't talk about the past with him, because then it is just one word against another and that is just another way to cause a lot of division and pain among him and his brothers. The boys had to see, and experience, first hand the behaviour of their Dad as adults, before they could understand the impact it has on a person. To have to cope with those continuous undermining actions every day was unbearable and they really didn't understand, until now, how much it ate away at me.

It's times like this that I remember how lucky I am to have escaped that and I think about how much better off I have been the past decade. Working and raising the boys on my own has been incredibly challenging at times and the corporate world is not a pretty place, but at least I haven't had to fear the next crisis or round of chaos the ex was constantly creating. I've been able to at least feel emotionally safe in my own home. Lately, I have wondered if I wouldn't be happier in a relationship again, but I don't have to think hard to remember that is no answer to meeting one's emotional needs. I'm better off on my own, I think.

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