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3:18 p.m. - 2003-12-31
Relationships
Well dear diary, it's the end of another calendar year. Time for reflection. I spent the day at work with my headphones on, sifting through the data in front of me, but my mind was thinking of endings. Completion. Closure. Since there have been two deaths so close together in my family in the past two weeks, endings were on my mind anyway. But you know, in some ways death is a lot easier to handle than other endings. Yes it hurts, sometimes unbearably, but at least you know there is no chance of that relationship ever coming back into your life. Hard as it is, there is no way to go but to move forward in time. I've always found the ending of relationships with living people much more difficult. Sometimes you don't even know why they've ended or changed so radically that the effect is the same as a death without the closure.

For example, just after the boys' Dad left, I found that public statements in the press and by our esteemed elected officials about children of single parents and especially teen boys, were causing as much pain for my sons as their father's departure. I wrote the editor of our newspaper and I also wrote our Premier (Canadian for Governor) because the statements of his little cadre of minions were also starting to cause public opinion to have an impact on how my sons were perceived and treated, for something that they not only did not cause, but also grieved deeply. That letter reads a bit like a victim impact statement, but my feelings haven't changed at all; maybe they've even become stronger. So here are my thoughts on endings today, dear diary, as written for our fearless provincial leaders a while ago. The letter talks about one specific instance, but there are many other endings of relationships as well that would fit the feelings that are experienced by such losses. I'll muse about happier things when I've worked through the grieving I'm dealing with now, starting with this exercise.

"Dear Mr. Premier,

I am the mother of six children and I wish to register my observations regarding the abortion issue.

When I was married, 22 years ago, I was attending university. It seemed appropriate, at that time, to withdraw and put my spouse through post-secondary training - the better to create a healthy family setting for the children we planned.

Three children and one mortgage later, my husband graduated and the boom in Calgary went bust. There was no money for me to complete my training and, after doing some basic math, it became apparent that my re-entering the workforce would actually cost us money. So I decided that while lack of a second income made life difficult, staying home to raise my children was more than enough of a benefit to make up for the lack of material wealth. At that time, 16 years ago, my oldest child entered ECS (kindergarten) and I began volunteering and volunteering, and volunteering. I spent days in the schools my children attended, nights and weekends working on community projects and issues, and wrote papers and sat on City, Provincial, Federal and international initiatives. I truly believed that my contributions in raising a healthy family and building a healthy, functional society mattered.

In the interim, three more children were born, and I can attest personally to the fact that 3 forms of birth control - IUDs, the pill, and diaphragms are not foolproof. In addition, two of my co-volunteers each conceived and bore their fifth children AFTER having tubal ligations - one is the child of a very prominent Calgary gynaecologist. Go Figure. Giving up a child for adoption conceived within a marriage never even crossed my mind and, for myself, I would not choose abortion.

Nearly 15 years ago, my husband's father committed suicide. His family life had been extremely dysfunctional and this incident pushed him back into those behaviour patterns. Drug and alcohol abuse became growing problems and finally have overwhelmed him. He does not, and will not, acknowledge that he has a problem that only he can address. I see his choice as passive suicide and, at this point in time, the best that I can hope, after trying to stand by him all these years, is that he doesn't take anyone else with him when he dies.

Two years ago he abandoned this family. My children have been grieving the loss of their father as intensely as any children whose lives have been devastated by the death of a parent and a way of life. In some ways it is even harder, because the physical being is still there, carrying on another life without them. They sometimes feel it is their fault.

So, what has this got to do with abortion? Reasonable question. Over half of all Alberta children will be part of lone parent families for some portion of their childhood. 75% of these families will try to cope with living below the poverty line. My story has no value, except it is also the story of so many other Alberta families. Contrary to the beliefs expressed in the media by many politicians, business leaders, and assorted moralists - lone parenthood is rarely a chosen lifestyle. It is brought on by unforseen stressors which can destroy one or both partners. Neither my children nor I have changed - just our physical circumstances. We have no access to resources, because we have no money. The maintenance enforcement program, despite all your good efforts recently, does not work - there are too many flaws in the actual process. I cannot find a job that pays a reasonable and fair wage. I am hearing that student financing is in even greater disarray than maintenance enforcement from both workers hired to facilitate it and applicants who wish to access it. I'm not interested in accessing supports for independence (welfare) because my husband can afford to pay his share but won't and neither court orders or maintenance enforcement seem to matter(to him).

So what about my childrens' welfare in the interim? Well, if you look at your own caucus members' sanctimonious pronouncements, they don't matter. Stockwell Day, two days after my spouse walked out, stated on CBC that single MOTHERS raise criminal SONS. My teenage sons were watching this broadcast with me. They were already grieving the loss and then had to hear themselves vilified BECAUSE of that loss. Some of them were devastated because they believed that Mr. Day held his very important position by merit and education. I pointed out that he was, in fact, just elected and brought his own willful ignorance with him. I reminded them that many Canadian children were without fathers after World Wars I and II and, for the most part, became very valuable contributing members of society - not criminals. The difference was, of course, that their communities, both with and through their politicians, ensured that their needs were met and the families were emotionally, psychologically, and spitiually supported during their transition. Perhaps you and Mr. Day should read the Province of Ontario's study of single parent families. It demonstrated that when the same resources were made available to them as to middle and upper income families, the children of lone parent families thrived. The barriers to inclusion in society created by poverty are the problem. Nearly 20% of all Alberta children live in poverty - think about it!

So, at this point in time, as the mother of six children whom I dearly love and would not give up under any circumstance, I would counsel young women considering child-bearing not to do it and, if abortion is necessary - so be it. You see, I believed all that propaganda about valuing families, children, and the contributions of mothers and homemakers, but I would not condemn anyone to experience what I and my children have, the past few years.

You say that you listen and that you care, but I think women have realized that you don't HEAR. So about 9,000 a year are voting with their bodies and those of their unformed children. Can't you hear their cries either?"

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