11:26 p.m. - 2003-12-30
Be careful what you wish for
-23 C/ -10 F at the bus stop this morning. We do have a full eight hours of daylight now (up from 7.5 at the solstice), but that isn't seen until two hours after my commute. Transit vehicles are still pretty empty, but no one would object to someone sitting close on the train. With the amount of outerwear we each have on, there is still a safe distance between bodies but the combined warmth generated by "close" contact is welcome.
I felt somewhat odd at work today. Continued problems with the ventilation system mean that it is so hot that all of us in the records center felt like we were going to pass out from the heat even though we wore less heavy clothing to work. The lack of air circulation also meant one of my co-workers was struggling with nosebleeds because of the dryness indoors combined with the effect of the very cold air outside that serves to cryogenically damage the membranes in the sinuses. At least the building managers didn't shut out the lights right at 4:30 pm so we couldn't see where we were going.
About an hour before lunch, I began to feel a lot of frustration and anger. It was odd in that it wasn't attached to anything going on in the office at the time. I even felt somewhat disconnected from the "real" world as if I was in deep meditation. Something I don't attempt consciously at work. I got home and found there was a voicemail from one of my sisters. The tension in her voice told me there was some more bad news coming. Sure enough she had called to let me know that my great-Aunt had passed away just before noon today. She is the Mom of the cousin who died two weeks ago. Was I picking up on one of my cousins reactions or their children? One of the boys is a young teen and the feeling of "it's not fair" and "I don't want to deal with this" are what I would expect that a young teen very attached to his grandmother and aunt would feel. Don't know.
My Uncle had said my great aunt, in her 80's, was due for some surgery that was risky. I'm guessing that was the cause. My mom's cousin who died was the heartspring of her mom's life and I'm certain it affected her emotional and mental well being greatly. My sister and I talked for quite a while. Nothing profound, just trying to find some comfort somewhere. For us it triggers memories of one Christmas some years ago. My Mom's Mom died just a few days before Christmas, then my Uncle became critically ill in January and we didn't know if he would survive for more than six weeks. Those calls in the middle of the night several times a week asking my Mom to come to the hospital in case he died were very hard to take. Then at Easter my Dad's Dad died. Just one after another and I don't think one really recovers for a long time after. During that time I was a passenger in two car accidents that left the vehicles looking like accordians. The one where a criminal speeding to avoid capture by the police left a print of my body in the framework of the Rambler we were travelling in. In the other, my girlfriend had just gotten her driver's licence and was practicing driving on gravelled country roads in her parent's brand new Renault. On a steep incline, she lost control of the car, it hit a culvert and rolled several times. It is true, dear diary, that time seems to slow down to infinity in such cases. I hadn't been wearing a seat belt and found myself sitting on the roof of the car - now on the bottom in a pile of shattered glass. The backseat, where I had been sitting looked like an accordian. We walked until we came to a farmhouse where we were looked after. After all that in a three month period, I didn't get into a vehicle that had an "r" in it - you know, car, truck busses were ok - for several years without having flashbacks. I was very grateful to whoever was looking out for me upstairs, but I didn't want to use up all my chances before I reached my 30's. That's one of the reasons I still don't have a driver's licence too - I don't trust anyone else on the road. I want my own road, come to think of it, in a way I have travelled my own very different road in life. I guess I got my wish didn't I.
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