11:18 a.m. - 2003-12-13
Cat Tails
Dilemmas. Lately, on the morning bus commute to the train station, there's been this one fellow who has become somewhat friendly. No problem, I talk to a lot of people of both genders and all ages just as a way to pass the time or to round out my knowledge of the world. This fellow hasn't spoken but he's always waiting to catch my eye. Lately he waits, too, for me to pass him and then he stands up and follows. One fellow doing the same at work. Hmmmmmm. Question? Do I even want to consider the relationship thing again - don't know.
There have been a few close calls in the past few years, but most of them have involved married men or ones closer to my sons'age and that's against my moral code. Thank goodness fate has always stepped in when things seemed to be about to heat up. Not that there aren't regrets there, but reality dictates otherwise. Truth is I do feel lonely sometimes, but then I quickly remember the loneliest time in my life was the last few years of my marriage. Invisible prison with what seemed no way out. Relationships don't necessarily fill up that void in oneself. Sometimes one has to dig much deeper within. The fellow on the bus is also of another culture - very handsome but what are the rules of engagement in his mind, how am I supposed to figure that one out. On the other hand at least I can be assured that I won't be expected to fit the normal expectations that someone from my own culture would have - I might even be allowed to be myself. On the other hand I could just buy myself a good book or two. That might work better.
Anyway, work yesterday. Forgot to pack my diskman in my bag so no music at the jobsite. Bad news to start out the day. The other contract and I went out at lunch but we chose to wander through Chinatown so that my co-worker could search for a gift for a friend she has in Mexico. Apprently teapots are very hard to come by there, as is tea itself. Strange thought for a tea granny like myself. So not only does my co-worker speak Welsh, she also speaks Spanish - something of a theme in my life growing there - maybe I should try to learn more than the little bit of pidgeon espanol I know now hmmmmm?
I told her I didn't like what I was seeing with respect to the treatment she was receiving from the library manager. Especially now when the manager is bad-mouthing her to just about everyone else - you can see the change in some people's behaviour toward her as a result. Makes the atmosphere increasingly toxic for the person being targetted. I didn't repeat any of the things being said about her, because it would be hurtful and would make any resolution even harder, but some are troubling because the comments being made are quite vicious. It might also make her own behaviour become more defensive which would appear to validate the accusations being levelled her way. I told her I thought the manager was very threatened by some aspect of the work she was being asked to do - something there is putting her in attack mode as a form of self protection. I tried, but didn't quite succeed, in not engaging in speculation about what that might be - counter-productive - but I'm only human too. We discussed how to deal with it. She allowed that it was really beginning to bother her and that she had almost responded in kind the afternoon before. She said that it helped to know she wasn't just imagining things and that it wasn't just her observations of the situation. The consensus was just for her not to respond to the provocation. It's tough to achieve but sometimes pretending that one hasn't noticed anything unkind or amiss occurring, is enough to stop the effects of the behaviour. Hope that works.
When I first started back at this company, I reckoned I could avoid the dirty internal politics for three weeks if I kept my nose to the grindstone and my head down. Now it appears that my contract might go to the middle of next month or more depending on circumstances beyond my control. I think I'll just have to break the time down into chunks - now to Christmas, then Christmas to mid-January - so that I can keep that resolution. By the end of the day the other contract and the manager were talking about Christmas type activities as if they were old friends. Finding common unthreatening ground to share. We'll see.
Last night was a perfect antidote for the day. Sons, grandbabies, a daughter-in-law and cats. The new game system and the Star Wars game got a vigorous workout. Discussion centered around some of the more arcane facets of the SW philosophy of life. The original Star Wars movie came out when my oldest was 2 1/2. He loved it with a passion. Learned all the words to some scenes of the movie and would play with anything that was related. I recall one of my teacher friends being so impressed with the fact that he could throw together a 250 piece puzzle of Star Wars pictures without any help at that age. That's always been my oldest son's strength though. If something interests him he can learn anything associated with it on his own - even things that are supposed to be way beyond his expected skill level. Last night his son was swinging my youngest son's light sabre around with vigour. Crowing with approval, he was, because it was the green of Yoda's weapon. He was Yoda he said and wanted to be just like him when he grew up. Not a bad ambition if it keeps him on the straight and narrow. Second generation of mystic warriors coming up. The cats? Well, after the crowd dispersed they had a great time foraging for lost bits of pizza topping while staring bemused at my youngest's fibre optics UFO lamp slowly casting its rainbow light around a darkened living room. Work issues faded to black, as peace enveloped me.
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