12:55 a.m. - 2003-11-25
Moon River
It was really blustery during the morning walk from the train to the office. So when I walked into the library, I just assumed I felt overheated because of the rapid change in atmospheric conditions. Went about my business changing boots for shoes, stripping off coat, mitts and scarf, getting that first cup of coffee and settling at my desk. Then I realized that it wasn't just the change in venues that caused the torrid sensations. Went and checked the thermostat - it was set at 15 C/ 60 F. Ok, so as one of my friends from about six contracts ago used to call it, I decided I was having one of those "tropical moments" that women of a certain age are wont to have. The thought of slipping into the washroom and discretely removing my pantyhose for the day - bless full length skirts - crossed my mind. Then I recalled that I had had to try six different pair of recycled pantyhose on that morning, trying to find one that didn't have runs below the knees. I was afraid if I took the pair I had on off, they might completely disintegrate, leaving me with the prospect of going home bare of legs - nuh uh. I hate tight budgets.
Anyway, everyone else started arriving about half an hour later. It seems it wasn't just me, both the women and the men were complaining. I guess if the thermostat is moved too far it turns off and the furnace or whatever kicks in. It was about 10 am before things were bearable again. Mondays - what would they be without challenges. Work was pretty steady, I filed paperwork for nearly three hours then just sat with my headphones on, working on the data that didn't fit in any existing records. It's a bit cowardly in a way, but I really don't want to get drawn in to whatever politics are going on this time. That little homily I wrote yesterday, dear diary, wasn't aimed at you. I was trying to remind myself not to pre-judge anyone. What happened last year should be left in the past. Approaching the situation with "new eyes" might reveal something I missed last time. I do know that one of the women who was difficult last time is trying very hard to be friendly with me. Last time, the "Queen of Mean" and her had been at loggerheads for at least four months before I arrived on the scene. I think that coloured her perception about everything about the project,including me. The "Queen of Mean" took great pleasure in yanking her chain every chance she got and would brag about her behaviour after the fact. It could be there was a lot more that happened that I wasn't aware she was doing either, that drove the behaviour of my liaison then as well. I don't know. I do know I don't want to do anything to reactivate those dynamics, but I don't know what the built in triggers are. Retreat and containment of contact are about my only sure strategies.
Went to see my chiropractor at lunch. We talk so much during the work (well at least I chatter a lot) that I'm hardly aware of what he's doing most of the time. I really admire the skill he shows in dealing with patients. Having worked in a hospital, I'm well aware that most people dump their emotional and psychological wounds on the staff too. It can be overwhelming no matter what level you are in the organization. There's a good reason most doctors have a shorter lifespan than most. They get worn down with other people's pain constantly flowing over and around them. My chiropractor seems to manage that with amazing grace. Grant you, the psychologist I respect so much also had that ability to peel away his ego so he could hear whatever someone had to say. He never showed any strain - until he ended up having a triple by-pass a few years back. Anyway, I think the work in Central America, his vigorous involvement in sports, and the time he invests in his profession's development as well as in his family give my chiropractor enough outlets to balance some of that stress off. He's a good man.
I forgot to eat today until about 4 pm. Looked at what I brought for munching and decided the train ride would probably be better without stuff sloshing around in my tummy. I wasn't really hungry anyway. Walked in the door and made supper after I pried the kittens off my skirt. They've decided it is the enemy - it takes me outside and away from them. Nice to know they care, but those claws are a little too sharp. The go right through the fabric. That's ok though, I stole their bed (the ironing board) out from under them for a while tonight in return. So of course their response was to all clamber onto my bed. I'm beginning to think that I should remove all the books and paperwork from the other half so they can have that. When my ex first left, I used to have such frightening nightmares about him coming back while I was sleeping, that I often couldn't stay in the room, much less the bed. For those nights I could manage it, I needed something that would take my mind off the fear. Didn't sleep much for several years. After a while though it just became habit. What was really cool was how my studying would evolve - especially around alternative or complementary medicine and spiritual practices. I would read until I fell asleep, dream about what I'd read, wake up to research questions that came up in the dreams, then fall back asleep continuing the cycle all night sometimes. It was and is way cool. It feels like when one swims. Sometimes under water enjoying the unique world of the lake or ocean then surfacing, sucking in another lungful or two of air then diving down again - only this was swimming in the subconscious instead of water. Moon in Pisces - what can I say.
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